A butterfly that is about to spread her wings.

That moment...when you finally realize that time doesn't stand still. The seasons come and go, and life may remain similar for years and years, but the people you grow to love with all of your heart, are growing older.
The person who taught you how to read and took the time for you to grow to love books, and the one who hummed a hymn every second of each day even if she was in the worst of moods. That person who gave you that knowing smile, that she knew you were up to something. That person who you go to in the middle of the night, who tucked you back into bed with a prayer and a kiss and didnt leave until your fast asleep. That wonderful person who was your best friend in life, who got you through most of the challenges of middle and high school. Who listened to every single story, and lesson, and problem you could ever go through, and actually listen. That person who bathed you and dressed you, and made sure you got tucked into clean sheets, every night and were warm and fed and loved. The one who was always around, even if you didn't know it. The one with stories, and happy memories, and the person who is the true meaning of love.


That person... is my grandma.


It's so hard to realize that through my whole life, even though I've really tried to prepare myself for it, and knew it was coming... it's just so hard to let her go.
It's so hard to keep living knowing that my best friend isn't going to be there anymore. My hero in every nightmare my mom or dad put me through as a child, and the one who gave me everything she had, and took so little in return. She is my hero....and always will be.


I pray God take her up to heaven, and let her flourish with everything shes lost with age. Let her pain stop and let the smile come back, that smile I remember as a little girl.
Grandma...you are absolutely everything to me...but when you know that being up in heaven is better than life here on earth for her...I realize that if I truly love her...I need to let her go.

I pray God helps me let her go, and be at peace with knowing she will finally be with our savior Jesus!

Help me through this Lord...please help me. 

Anything.

Anything would be better, than feeling how I feel right now. 

Today.

There's no hiding it. This feeling, it's so raw, it cuts into me, releasing the hurt and antagonizing feeling that I'm trapped, that I'm suffocating mentally. I can't feel my heart...I know it's in there...but these days, like today, completely make me feel like a nothing of a person. I don't feel love being released or accepted. I don't feel happy.
I sat in church today, and tried so hard to feel his presence. To feel like he hears me, to feel his love surround me, like normal. Though I know he's here, I feel like I'm in a dark place, and I see nothing. I'm scared, that's an understatement...I am terrified of days like these. Where I feel like I've wasted such a long time, staying in a place where I'm not happy. I'm not proud of myself, I don't want to be with anybody, hear anybody, I don't feel anyone could understand me at this point. I don't even understand me. I can only hope and pray that God is listening, he is right by my side, holding me up, telling me to not be afraid, to trust in him. I can do this...I can move forward with my life...I can forgive myself...I can make myself happy....with his help. I don't have to be angry with myself that I haven't started college. I don't have to question my relationship..and wonder if he's truly who I want to be with...I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANY OF THAT....because he has me here for a reason. He wouldn't have me here if it wasn't in his will. I am scared....but with God....I know he won't leave me like this. because...




He is with me.



Always.

Let her free.

Some days, I just want that breath of fresh air. To run in a field and finally take that deep breath that right now I feel would make me feel a hundred times better. I want to feel the grass in-between my toes, lay down and watch the puffy clouds pass by. I really hope that's what heaven is like, just the knowing you have so much space, and freedom, and to watch something so lovely just pass you by. I know I could spend eternity doing that, as well as having the people you love near by. To watch the trees sway, and too smell the flowers through the air, the scent of freshly cut grass, the sun shining down but the wind blowing slightly so the temperature is just right. I want to run until I can't run anymore, bare feet... in a dress... with my hair blowing everywhere.

Sounds so simple, at least in the summer, but it's not. There's never that perfect place I can feel who I am. I feel so suffocated in my mind, and in my soul. There's so much stress, and anger, and hurt clouding my being right now.

Having grandma and grandpa's house was just like that. If only I could have somewhere like that again, maybe I could feel whole again. I could figure everything out, and think clearly. Maybe I wouldn't feel so depressed and worn out, If I could just breathe....

Patience is key, I suppose....

Four years.

When I think of you, my throat tightens. My heart freezes, and it takes a minute for me to remember that I still deserve to breathe. That I still deserve to hold my other baby girl, and have her so beautiful and lovely in my arms.
When I think of you, the tears come from a place that I like to keep hidden, and it hurts so deep inside.
I love you, and I don't remember you enough, because the pain of letting you go so easily is not easy for me to remember. My life will always be incomplete without you, my heart will always be broken.

Permanently.

But I feel as though I deserve it. I know how highly loved you are in heaven, and how Jesus smiles at you when you dance from his throne, and when you giggle, and how incredibly smart you must be.


I want you to know that I love you more than all the stars in the sky, all the sand on the beaches, all the air on the earth, every atom that takes up this world. I love you so much, and my heart cries out for you every time I breathe.

You WERE worth it, you DID mean something. I was just too young to care, to young to think, to hurt to love who I was, and If I didn't love myself, I didn't know how I was going to love you. I was so utterly wrong, so stupid, and selfish and ignorant, and blind to know what was right.


Whatever you are, girl or boy, I know you are beautiful, I know you are perfect in every single way that God made you. Please forgive me, I want to deserve to still be called your mother. I wish for you to see my hurt, to see how broken I am, I don't care how bad it makes me feel, for you to see how much I wish you were here with me, your dad, and your sister. You have a permanent place in my heart, and someday soon, Grandma and Grandpa will be there to see you. To love you like they did me. I hope they give you every ounce of love like you deserve. I will always think of you, I will always be your mother... you will forever be in my heart.

depression.

I don't get how it happens. Why do we get depression? I always knew my mom had it, and I always thought it was something that could be fixed by doing something that made you feel better.
I never ever thought it was this uncontrollable sadness, over anything! All the stuff you worry most about, just surrounds your thinking in an instant, you feel like nothing is worth it, nothing is going to get better, and that life isn't worth living.
     Like today, I was talking with this older couple at work about her brother who just died, he had congestive heart failure and got really sick and died at 76. My heart just dropped. My grandpa is 86 and has that, and does so much, one day it's just going to kill him. So as I got home, it just hit me how much losing grandma and grandpa is going to hurt. I know they are in so much pain, that knowing they wouldn't feel that anymore would make their souls happy, but losing the people who raised me, loved me, and cared about me more than my own parents, is tragic. It's horrible. No one understands because when you lose your grandparents, it's something that happens. Losing my grandparents, is like losing my parents. I don't have many people there, not many who put your life in front of their own, not many who would drop everything and come help you in an instant. I feel so lost, and broken inside. I need them so much, I need them like I need a mom and dad. I have so many flashbacks of growing up at grandma and grandpa's. The happiness, the love, the freedom, the care and comfort. Will I ever feel that again? Can I ever provide that for my own daughter? Grandma and Grandpa's is like my safe place, when I'm hurt, tired, in pain, or need someone to talk to, that's where I go. It's like a reset button to my soul, a place I can sit, refresh my heart, and go on with life. Where do I go when their not there? When will I ever feel loved like they loved me?


Depression sucks. It's horrible, and it makes you feel like nothing is good, when everything may very well be okay. My life is good. I love my life, I love the possibility of my future, and what it all holds.

But.

when depression clouds my brain.... nothing is ever good enough.

Right now.

Kaylin is all toddler right now.

She brings in her potty cup from her potty chair and not even knowing if it has anything in it she sets it on my bed, and as I finally notice what it is after staring at it out of the corner of my eye. I scream, and she laughs.I tell her to take it back in the bathroom, and she yells "no no no no!" and in the midst of my yelling a freaking out, I realize that all of this..is getting me nowhere. I automatically grab the potty cup and put it back in place in the bathroom...walk over and sit on my bed. "Kaylin...look at me" she is squirming and yelling "NO!" I pick up her hands and say " That's fine, I will wait right here until you look at me" and she tossing and turning with her head in the sheets. I finally see her peak up at me, her beautiful eyes pleading. "Kaylin, you can not take your potty cup out here, it's full of germs and we could get sick. All you need to do is dump it in the potty and put it back." of course she's asking "Why mommy..why..why why why?" and all I can think to say is.."Because I said so, and what mommy says..goes".

My thing is here, that before I lose it...I want to take more times to just take a breath, and talk to her. Of course she didn't know not to take it and set it on our bed, of course she didn't know. When I was young I would have been spanked for that. All I can say is...I need to remember, that yelling gets us absolutly nowhere. I know that's what i had to grow up with, but that's not who I have to be.

It seems like lately everything is "why" with her..." Why this, and why that". Most of the time she asks, it's hard because I don't really know how to explain the answer. Sometimes I make things up, sometimes I just tell her the truth, knowing she won't understand it. I know being a mom, doesn't mean you have to get everything right. All I can say is I'm learning, I'm trying to be all I can be for her, because she deserves it. I once had class with someone who said that we parent like our parents.

I don't believe that. I even took offense to it when she said it. If you try very hard, catch yourself, and learn about the things they did, and what you feel they didn't do the right way, then you can make yourself into who you need to be for your kids. I am my own...and I won't get everything right, and yes I may make some of the same choices as they did, but it doesn't make me like them. For I will show love with everything I do, and that's something that they couldn't do for me.

Every day I learn something new, and I am so blessed to have what I have.  

Dreamer.

She's a dreamer, a believer, a heart pulled through wreckage receiver.
She holds back her pain, she holds back her voice.
She chooses her path, not always making the right choice.
Torn down, built up, she's stronger than she thinks.
new mind, new soul, a change as fast as she blinks.
She's bold, she's brave, she has the courage, she has the time.
There's excuses, there's hope, there's a whole new mountain to climb.
There's faith she doesn't see, there's love she's never known.
Her soul belongs to him, her mind to her own.
She has the heart of a drifter, but the pace of a stone,
she's looking for a place that she can call  her home.
She has so much to live for, but so much she does not see.
Though perfection surrounds her mind, a perfection she'll never be.
A wars been waged, a sea of hurt,
her trust's been broken and kicked in the dirt.
She's a lover, she's a fighter, she's a dreamer on her own,
She's tries, with goodbyes, her faith is set in stone.
Don't dismiss her, cause you'll miss her,
she running out of time.
She's ready, and she's willing,
her honesty will shine.
So let her dream, and let her go,
let her find a piece of her own.
Let her love and let her try,
let her live and let her die.
She's ready for a new path, a new direction, a new life.
So let it be, you will see
she'll be ready to be your wife.  

To run or to hide

I feel the familiarity of all this. In highschool I couldn't stand Darrin, he was trying to be a father figure, but there was no love in his words. I don't know what is worse, the fact she has never cared about her kids feelings and only her own, or having the tension in the house just because he's here. I feel the heaviness of his hatred, just like I can feel people's feelings. He has no love for any of us, I'm sure if mom didn't have any kids, he would have married her in a heart beat. I'm ready to get out of here, she is nothing like me, minus all of the migranes,depression, and back pain, we couldn't be any more different. I love her, because she is my mother, but I don't love her for being my mom. It hurts me so much for her to say that she helped me learn to read, or that she tucked me in at night, or provided for me, or even loved me or showed me love. If she did, I remember none of it. I remember crawling into bed with grandma and grandpa, I remember them making sure my hair was cut, my clothes fit and were clean, i had a clean bed to lay in, they held me when I didn't make the professional dance class, and celebrated when we were able to go to north carolina with the kids who kept their grades up. They helped me explore and learn, and love. They made sure I got to enjoy extracurricular activities, have friends over, and they celebrated every birthday with my favorite dinner and a cake. It was them I remember, they loved me to make sure I was happy. Their house was always my safe haven, never at my moms. I remember one time i stayed with mom because of dad's orders and i ended up going to school with cat pee on my sweatshirt that I had never noticed. I remember looking forward to lunch time because their was nothing in the fridge for breakfast. I remember begging my dad to let me go on a trip that everyone was going on, but he had refused both times. I remember the fights and abuse that went on in our home, and how my eyes begged for social services to see that the "clean" house she was looking at was because I had stayed home from school all day to clean it and it was a last minute fight to make sure it was just right for her. Truth is..I wanted her to see how messed up everything was...but she never did. I wanted to show her the bruses on my legs from my dad, I wanted her to hear my stomach growling because of the lack of food in it. I wanted her to see how mom wasn't like this normally, and she was usually up stairs in her bedroom sleeping. She never did though... and its been so hard to forgive her for all of that. Now she's a lot better, but the bruises on my heart will always remain. My heart is forever broken from trying to grow up without parents to look up too. I just have to move out, and make sure I don't make the same mistakes with my children. I have to get passed the hurt, so I can have my own happiness. I have to get out of her house.

My addiction.

I was addicted once. Where going to his home was something I'd fight myself over, emotionally. I'd fight my mind to the death, tell myself it was the last time, and a few weeks later I'd catch myself slipping out of my bedroom window...blocking out the consequences with my music. Just one more time. I'd say to myself. One more time will help me get over him, one more time will make me all better. I was sick though, I did it because after it was over..the numbness would flood my heart. Then the following day would come, and I hated myself even more. It was like I blocked out the reasons, and went with what would make me feel better. That's all I wanted, to feel better. I Know sometimes I don't know what I feel. I catch glimpses of love that is so over whelming, I have blocked out so much life, now that it comes times to actually live it..my memory is tarnished forever. I do love...but I can't feel anymore. I can't be happy. I have known for so long. Why? Why can't I feel anything? I love so much...I love my daughter...I love Andrew...but I don't love myself. Weddings, birthdays, holidays...it's like I'm an empty shell. Standing there with a smile on my face... I feel nothing. So I live my life... losing every memory as they go. What will it take to feel something?...Anything?

The other day I turned on the radio..to christian music, and automatically my heart is flooded with emotion...with love...with guidance. So many times people have asked me why I believe in God...how I can believe in something that they say has the world in chaos? Because...through God...I can feel again. I can feel happy..I can feel my life is worth living. That the sunshine feels good on my shoulders. That Kaylins smile..and laughter is worth so much...that happiness is there. I finally see the love through the holidays..I can smile..and actually feel it. I lost so much of my life, and sometimes my memory takes me back to those times...often. God reminds me..he is with me. Two days ago...I turned on the radio...and went to the mirror, and my cross glistened in the light... just a glimpse. But it reminded me that God is here..he will always be here, and when I feel the emptyness..when I feel like a shell of a person...I remember who makes me whole everyday. And that's all I need.

real friend?

Real friends....please tell me what a real friend is, because it's hard to even name one. Am I even a real friend? I know I cancel out on people sometimes, I know I don't always wanna do the fun thing, or go out, or party, or laugh at stupid things. My best friend, is my boyfriend, and my daughter. Why? Because they are the only real people in my life. The only people who say the truth, who love me on my bad days, and for who I am and what I love to do. I have to give up sooner or later on her...It still hurts, just enough for it to bother me when she fails out on me. Or when I see she's online, but doesn't respond to my message until days later. The only person she is hurting..is herself. I can not do this anymore.


Kayleigh,
I don't want this to be difficult. Cause it's not really. Not anymore anyway. Back in the day, when things would get canceled, it hurt me a lot. When I wasn't invited to things, when I got left out of your life, yea..it hurt a whole lot. This past year I have grown to find out who I am. I'm still me, I'm still Amanda, or Manda, or Mandi, I still love to have fun, I love people, and still trust people. I forgive easily, and don't stay mad long. I trust way to easily, and wear my heart on my shoulder. It's not me who's not tried, or who's not trying. It's you. You know that...I know that... and you know...it's finally okay with me. It was fine a few months ago, before kaylins birthday, I wasn't going to invite you. Not because I hate you or have anything against you, but because you let us ..let go of eachother. When you wrote that thing...I was like ..maybe she's finally realized that she needs me. Cause no matter what Kayleigh..I'll always want you in my life. I'll always need that spot that you left, but i realize that I don't need it. People walk in..and people walk out, in my life, that's normal. I am happy though. I have friends..I have a guy who loves me for me, who is the friend that is there, I have an amazing daughter...who is more than enough for me. All of those years in highschool..I was so lost. I didn't know me, I hated who I thought I was, I hated my life because it wasn't what "normal" was. As a get older, I realize that none of that matters. Life is what we make of it, and I have time, and the motivation to create it. What I mean is..it's okay for you to move on. It's okay to leave me in your past, you made an impact on my life, you made me come to terms with myself. I guess you could say " I faced my demons" ...Now I'm on the right track, and I'm okay. I don't hurt anymore. I don't depend on anyone but Andrew and myself. I love my life..I love the possibilities, I love what God has given me. I hope you do too, I hope you find whatever it is that keeps you going. That makes you come to terms with your life. Not just a man...but the sole purpose for what you want to live for. I love you...I will always and forever keep your memories with me. You helped me grow and learn so much, There is not enough thanks in the world to thank you for all that you've done for me. I wish you the best, and who knows..maybe some day our lives will cross paths again...and our friendship can find it's way, but for now...I'll be fine with being a memory.

today.

So just for the record..I feel very good today. At first I didn't, my back still hurts, but it's tolerable. I had a migrane..but with the help of some powerful meds, and a day off from being mom and having priorities for a moment..it was nice, and it was what I very much needed. My body has let me down so much, it's nice to finally have a moment where I can be the mommy I want to be when she got home from daycare. I fed her a healthy meal, i gave her a bath(without screaming), brushed her teeth, and shes laying on the couch watching tangled. I also did the dishes, cleaned all the bedding, made her bed, folded all the clothes, and i may even fix andrew dinner when he gets home...why can't i be like this every day? Maybe if I didn't also have a full time job, it may be like this more often...but can I just say thank you God for making this day good..and making me feel this good about being mom/wife/ and actually appreciating my life. :)

Thank you. It was very much needed.

chapter?

I woke up that morning, and before my mind was fully awake, I felt fine. No sooner had I sat up, memories of last night flooded my body. My body convulsed and tears seeped out of my eyes. Warm tears that I felt had never stopped, my eyes felt so tired, I felt tired, but today was a big day, and I had to get ready for school. I managed to get to the mirror, the image of a girl I didn't want to see. Her eyes were dead, as dead as her soul felt. I picked up my foundation and dabbed at the skin under my eye lid, but no matter how much I applied, the darkness under them still remained. You have to do this I eyed myself in the mirror, feeling an explosion in my chest I dropped my head to the sink. After a few minutes of what seemed like endless tears, I pulled my head up, and started to apply the rest of my make-up, knowing it would be useless to put on any eye liner, I pulled up half of my hair into a pony tail and brushed the remaining. I pulled my straightener through it a few times, I knew he would be there, so I had to look like I was okay, no matter how much it was killing me to do so. As fast as I could I grabbed my ear phones and my mp3 player along with my books and headed out of my room. I wanted to avoid everyone I could so I quickly put the buds in my ears and headed towards the front door. "Are you okay" my mom stood at the top of the stairs, but I pretended not to hear her and turned up the volume as loud as I could bear it. It's not like the music I was listening to was the least bit cheer full, but listening to people who felt like I felt, warmed my heart, just a little. I ignored the fact that Evan and I had just walked this way to the bus last week, I ignored the screaming in my head that he would never hold my hand again. That I would never be his...it was too much, but I wiped the tear trying to escape my eye and held it back and continued the three block walk to the bus stop. I can do this...I can do this... I looked up to the light blue cloudless sky..God please let me get through this day..let me feel numb..let him not be there. I promised myself, that I would not let him see me cry, I would not let him see that this was tearing me apart. I looked in the distance to see only the usual people at the bus stop. Thank you...I said to the sky. I gave a slight sigh of relief and walked over to Kayleigh. I turned down the volume and gave her a tiny smile. "I'm very surprised to see you Manda..I didn't think you'd be able to do today." She said to me while I pulled an ear phone out of one of my ears. I turned to see her apologetic eyes staring at me, and I tried to say something back but my voice didn't come, I nodded as tears started to fall. " Don't let him do this to you Manda, you're stronger than this." The bus turned the corner at that moment " I'll be okay" I took in a deep breath of the chilled October air as we all formed a line. I stepped onto the bus without looking up. I didn't want to see anyone, nor did I want to feel anything from anyone at that moment. Evan would be at the next stop if he decided to come to school, I took a seat next to the window and turned up my music and looked outside. There was no way I could see him get on the bus, nor did I want to remember that he wasn't going to be sitting by me. As the bus pulled to the next stop, I had to physically keep my head staring out that window, but my heart wanted so bad to just see him, search his eyes for some reasoning. I turned down the volume but kept my head still, my mind counting the number of people walking onto the bus. One...Two...Three..Four...Maybe he wasn't...Five.  My heart stopped as a bolt of pain rocked my being...he was there. Tears came out of my eyes, and I let them, but I remained statuesque out the window. I felt Kayleigh squeeze my arm, but I didn't care, the damage was already starting, I turned back up the sound until I couldn't feel anything at all. Jojo "Leave Get Out." was just finishing, I pressed repeat.  As soon as I saw the school in view I instantly regretted coming. I knew I could have skipped it, but I had to face reality, and I knew being home alone all day inside my head would have been a very bad idea. Quickly the doors opened and Kayleigh and I got off as soon possible, I walked as fast as my legs would take me to the front door.  "Slow down, he's not even off the bus yet." I slowed my pace "sorry, I just uh.. don't want to see him" a shadow of a sad smile showed on her face "I know", I knew how much this was killing her, but I was hurting to bad to give her a smile back.
The rest of that day hadn't gone any good at all, remembrances of Evan played everywhere. Where he would drop me off for French class and kiss me, meet me before economics to exchange notes and where he would meet me before astronomy right after lunch I would make sure to have a piece of gum every time, something I looked forward to. I kept thinking about why he had walked away from something that had felt so perfect, but than I remembered everything I had found on his Myspace yesterday, and yet wondered what made her so much better than me? Why didn't he have enough guts to tell me only hours earlier, could I have taken it any better then? I felt like a ghost in all of my classes, and at lunch, every single one of my friends had found out by Andi, so they hadn't even bothered to ask why I didn't eat or notice when I put my earphones in to listen to music. In choir, I laid down on the back of the risers, and didn't respond when Mrs. Walsh asked what was wrong with me. Andrea had my back though, and they soon all started to sing the ballad for the competition show that was beginning to start. At least that would be something to look forward to. I remembered the time he came with me to practice, I tried so hard to impress him, as well as a few other girls who needed to be put in their place. He only had eyes for me though, maybe he never loved me? When music was over, Alishia came over and sat next to me, I looked up at her with blurry vision. "Are you okay?" a stupid question to ask but I knew she was just worried. I nodded and turned my head back to the my arm. I remembered the look on Evan's face when we got on the bus that evening. I couldn't find him anywhere that day, he hadn't met with me at any of the usual spots, and I was so upset with him. When I got on the bus, I immediatly sat next to Kayleigh, something I hadn't done in the two months we had started dating. To my surprise, Evan got on to the bus shortly after instead of being there rather early like usual. He looked ahead but as soon as he saw me he took a seat right behind mine. I ignored him. "I wish my girfriend would stop ignoring me" I couldn't help but force a smile. I turned around to face him, "where were you all day?" "Sorry boo, I walked with some other friends today" there was something in his eyes that made me feel uneasy, I knew there was something he wasn't saying, but I quickly ignored it as he shot me a sly smile. He kissed my hand and everything was forgiven. On the walk home, I felt the same feeling, like he was there, holding my hand but not there in spirit. When we got to my house, he didn't just come in like he usually did. "You coming?" he looked up and started walking towards my front door. I took him up to our spare bedroom and undressed, thinking that would make all of this weirdness go away. As we were having sex, his heart wasn't in it, and as soon as he finished, he gave me a kiss on my lips and left. I ignored everything, I ignored the fact he wasn't being Evan, and to that moment, a cry escaped my mouth and my friends swarmed my side. I felt a hand move on my back, and soon the bell to go home, rang. I took off my earphones and gathered up my books. I felt the imprint of a mark on my face and I ran into the bathroom directly outside of the choir room. Why hadn't I seen all of the signs he was trying to show me, I just ignored my gut feeling, and never saw it coming. Why didn't he just tell me, not go off with her? I looked at the figure in the mirror, red eyes, pale face, hair a mess. I smoothed out the loose strands and splashed my face with ice cold water. I didn't notice Andrea was staring right at me.         " Come on babe" she outstreched her hand. I grabbed her hand and squeezed. "Jen told me during gym he was bragging about himself, and didn't even look sad, so Jen told him that the only thing he could brag about was breaking hearts. He's an ass Mandi, he doesn't deserve you." My heart was aching " I really don't want to talk about him right now, not when my mind was on an Evan autobiography. Everyone was dying to reach me, to wake me up from wherever I was, but no matter what they did, I felt like everything inside me was dead. I met Kayleigh at the end of the hall and said my goodbyes to Andi. Kayleigh started to talk about how she saw Evan talking to Kara that day, and I had to block out the words "Kara" from my mind. "Yea" I looked straight ahead, clutching my books tighter to the pain exploding in my chest. I felt so dizzy, my eyes started to water, and I kept asking myself what was it about her, that was better than me? We walked on the bus, Kayleigh looked at me " Okay, go inside and get ready , Mom and I will be over soon to get you for work." no sooner did she get done talking I looked up to someone kick my seat and looked right into the eyes of Evan. His eyes glimpsed mine and anger clouded his vison as he pushed past everyone in front of him and walked to the back of the bus. Tears came freely, I couldn't stop them, I lowered my head onto the books on my lap. My sobs took ahold of me and I felt Kayleigh put her hand on my back. As soon as my stop came up, I quickly got off the bus and walked home. The air was cool, and helped fight back the hot tears stinging my eyes. I wiped them and walked as fast as I could home. I had to push past the pain, but his eyes burned holes in my heart. It really was over, but the pain and thoughts of him, were just beginning.
     At work I was a wreck, and with everyone asking me what was wrong, made me feel even worse. I knew I had to put on a straight face for my job, but nothing I did took away the memories I kept remembering. As soon as I got home, I had felt better than I had all day, between the walls of my own room, not being looked at with sad eyes. I turned on jojo with my computer and put my face on my pillow, which happened to still hold Evan's sweater. I breathed in his scent, and made myself believe that for just one second that all of this had just been a horrible nightmare, and Evan's Instant message would light up my computer screen with an "I love you"... . He had just told me he loved me right before I found out he was seeing her, why did he say it if he hadn't meant it? Or did he just agree, because he hadn't actually said the words I love you. I got up and walked over to my computer and pulled up Myspace. I didn't want to check his page, but every ounce of my being wanted to see if It still said In a relationship on his relationship status, or if I was still first on his top friends. I saw that nothing had changed except for the song, and my heart eased a little. He wouldn't do that to me right? It was too soon, we had two wonderful months together, he couldn't be that heartless. Then again, I never saw this break up coming. I pulled up our last instant message, his telling me not to come over, that he didn't want to talk. I put Rascal Flatts as my song on my page, and got up to take a shower. I got in, and as soon as the hot water touched my tourchered body, I collapsed to my knees. I sat down and let the water run over my face, tears blending in with the drops of water crashing over me. I plugged the drain and let a bath form, as soon as it was as high as it could go, I pushed myself under so I was fully submerged. I opened my eyes, and for the first time all day, my mind felt clear. I quickly resurfaced, and unplugged the drain. I walked over to my bed, his shirt still on my floor from previous nights. I picked it up and folded it, got dressed and walked around my room collecting everything I had of his, or of our time together. That's when I noticed the bottle of ibprofen laying on the counter, I walked over and poured a handful in my hand. I reached for the glass I used to rinse my mouth with after I brushed my teeth, and filled it halfway with water. I stared at the little red pills in my hand, and just as I was about to put them in my mouth, I lowered my hand and put about ten of them back in the bottle, leaving between fifteen to twenty left. I glanced at the instant message on my computer, cupped my hand and threw them in my mouth, without a thought, I took the cup of water and swallowed the pills. I sat on my bed. My subconcious was staring at me with her mouth wide open, but I quickly swatted her away with my thoughts. I just didn't care anymore, anything, anything I could do to take the pain away, was the anything I was willing to do.


        I laid in bed for hours, my eyes burning for relief. My mind kept going, I couldn't get away from the thoughts, the hurt. The medicine was kicking in, I picked up my mp3 and a hoodie and went outside. I found Keith Urban "You'll think of me" and started walking, I walked until I came to his street. I am not a stalker... my subconscious put her hands on her hips and gave me a wry look. I stared at the stop sign, he would walk me halfway home sometimes and leave me right here at this sign. Tears came again, but I quickly wiped them away and started walking back home.
     

My thoughts.

I don't always wake up and wish to be in this world. Sometimes I know it would be easier to be up in heaven with God, because I could do so much more I feel, if I was there. There are times I don't want to be a mom, and I wish I could crawl back into bed and ignore the screaming and crying and never wake up. Other times I wish I could do more, I could be there more, and I've never felt happier with my daughter in my arms. Sometimes i feel like my sole purpose in this world is to raise this child up right, and I'll never be happier. I wish I was nicer, I wish I was more organized and put together. I wish I could wake up with a routine, do my hair up nice, put my make up on perfectly. I wish I had the house clean when Andrew gets home, Kaylin all bathed and dinner on the stove. Other times I cry because I want my past, I want my grand parents to be in the next room, in their old home, where happiness was abundant and life was nowhere close to perfect, but I had my safe haven. Sometimes I don't want to be sorry for things I say, and there's quite a bit I have to hold back. Sometimes I look into my patients eyes and feel no ounce of remorse for them, other times I feel like their sadness rests on my heart. Sometimes the pain in my back hurts so bad, no matter what anyone says to me, I just don't care, and I just want to crawl in an empty hospital bed and have someone care for me, worry about me, let me rest! If I could just sleep for a day, or two, or have a few days to be me, to do what I want to do. Absolutly noone that I know, will ever understand how much I just need a break from being a mom. Sometimes I crave it, and mentally I know I really need it. Other times I don't feel like you could pry me from my daughters arms. Most days I hate my family, I hate my past, I hate how I grew up, and who I became. Maybe God knows why I am who I am, but I never will. I'll never know why he put me in a life without a father who could help me grow, without a mother who can support me mentally and physically, or who could bring me up as a respectable person. I don't know why he made me spend most of my childhood raising my handicapped sister, or being mentally and physically abused by my father. Today it seems very little to what some people go through, but I could have been so much better, had I had a little more. Had I have had younger grandparents to atleast be there with me as I grew into an adult. I'm losing them soon, and with my moms mental problems, I don't have many people to turn too. Sometimes I wish people could see that I'm despertaly crying out for help, someone...anyone. I have so much, and have worked with so little, and I don't feel I have came very far. Maybe mentally I'm more aware, but I messed up so much in my past, I feel I will spend forever making up for my mistakes. The mistakes I made because noone told me how to do it right. Not even grandma and grandpa...or maybe I didn't listen. Sometimes I feel so very alone, I forgive to easily...I let people get away with destroying my heart..and letting them right back into my life. I don't understand why I'm here.... I am so lost.  

Give me time.

I thought I needed you, a lot. I never understood you, nor did I want to, because somehow I thought that would mean you were pushing me out. Its been awhile now, and I've had to grow without you. As much as i always thought that it would destroy me..I feel like it has healed me. I have learned so much about myself. I have had to think about what I like, and what makes me happy. I've had to put pressure on myself, and learn what responsibility is. I'm not saying it's easy without you, but the hurt is finally gone. The need for you is healed, and my mind is back to thinking that I'm better off. You own a spot in my heart that I can't cover up. It's always going to be there. You were right, I depended on you way to much, and now that dependance is on a higher power. I was lost in a whilwind of hurt and distruction, I made it my mission to hurt everyone that came into my life, all because I was hurt myself. I'm not saying I'm completely fixed, but I feel better. I feel happy, and I feel like I can live my life without you now. I can grow up, and do what I want with the people I've made a part of my life. I have tried so long to come to terms with it, but God and my family have given me so much strength and perserverence that I am finally able to live my life, without the pain of not having you there. I thank you for the love and guidence you have given me. I still want you there more than ever, but only if it's Gods way. I'm trying to find my way, and I'm happy I can finally rely on myself this time.

Better.

If I had a friend. A real friend...a friend who actually listened to me, a friend who wanted to know about my life as well as theirs. It seems like few people actually think about others ahead of themselves. When I am myself... It's like I'm not accepted. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know what makes me happy...I don't know what I enjoy. I don't even know what happiness is anymore, I feel trapped in a small box. Even though I'm free..my soul feels trapped. I just need to be out somewhere..any place other than here. My soul wants a breath of fresh air...I'm so afraid of everything. What if I never make it..what if I lose everything...what if I never accomplish anything. I'm a loser...I'm not smart..I'm not pretty or beautiful...I'm just a nothing. Not a good mother..not a good person. I don't care about half the things I pretend to care about. I love my little girl so much, but I don't feel I deserve her. I really don't. My truest of true feelings. My heart hurts so bad because she is so beautiful..so full of life and love and she is so freaking smart...I just can't seem to believe it was me that taught her most of that. I know this is a horrible blog right now...but my depression is getting the best of me...and I'm really leaning towards grabbing that bottle of vodka in the freezer and drinking until the feelings are gone. Although this does seem to be helping. It makes me sick to my stomach the things i think about sometimes...I know I'm not a horrible person...but why do these feelings resurface time and time again? Why are all of my dreams sad? Why do I feel so trapped?
     I got nothing done this weekend...no laundry..hardly any dishes..and now its going to be sunday. Blah... I keep praying that God will clean my mind. You know what...If I could just be at peace in my mind...for a day....think of nothing....it would be like so great..so nice. I am always thinking...and I am so freaking tired of it. I don't want to think...good..bad...whatever..I just want it to STOP! Everything crushing my insides..crushing my spirit. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel...i feel like im drowing...and I can't breathe...I just can't catch a breath. I need to feel something other than failure..other than torture...I have such a negative mind...I'm so sick and tired of hearing how much my life sucks..how sucky life is. I need to be around someone who understands me...someone who can lift me up..someone who I can truely truely talk too....someone who will listen to me and tell me what to do step by step. I can't live without a guide to tell me step by step what to do and which ways to go. I need help on how to finance my life...I need someone to push me to go to school..someone to push me to lose weight..someone to push me to get up in the morning..to be organized..someone to motivate me...to love me...I wish so bad that I had decent parents. You know how freaking alone I feel sometimes. My mom is so stuck in her own depression...my dad is in prison and has completely lost his mind..and my poor grandparents are slowly getting older and i feel like i had no help in this life. Sometimes it makes me just want to ask God to send me to heaven already because i just can't live anymore. I would never hurt myself...but i just dont feel like living. I have horrible excruciating back pain all of the time..migranes every other day . I get kidney stones and the most horrible horrible cramps...who would want to live with all of that each and every day? On top of that..I live with my mom..have no savings and we've been here a year..our car is slowly breaking down...Kaylin my poor baby girl will grow up not even having a decent house to live in. I've been looking for a house to rent but the more i think about spending 700 a mo. on a house the more i just wanna stay at moms till we can pay off our debt, and trust me...my moms house has fleas and she has so many cats the house always smells bad. ..My dream of moving out feels like it will never happen. Our credit sucks...and blah blah blah. You know how much I hate complainers...and yet my mind is constantly complaining. what do I need to do God? Tell me please.... Why is everything so freaking hard? I keep waiting and waiting for it to get better..but it just never does.

A better person.

I can say I am better. I can say I have learned, or I have grown up and I am more responsible or more compassionate for others. The thing I hate most about myself are the things I continue to do all of the time. I never learned to be good with money. Now I have ruined every chance I've had with just about everybody. I have borrowed from people and never paid them back. I have mooched off of people who weren't even standing on two legs themselves, I have ruined my credit, and made myself look like a horrible person, all because I never learned to be organized with my finances. I guess thats all apart of growing up and stuff, but it seems now that it just gets so much worse every day. I have been living with my mom for a year now, and I guess I've just lost track of time that I kept saying I'd start paying her, and never did. I have completely left her in the dust, while i tried to rebuild myself. I guess I feel like, I never was raised right. I never had the chance to learn everything about that stuff like other people did. I have messed up so freaking much in the past three years, it has put me in a hole I just can't seem to crawl out of. It just gets bigger and bigger and I never learn. I have put blame on my mom so much because she was never there for me when I was young. I feel like I was rejected when I was little, so i still feel like she owes me something. Thats not being grown up though, thats not being the bigger person and being a mature adult. I have so much to learn, I just pray that God makes me into that person, who is responsible and organized. I can't keep blaming my mom, or my dad for my bad decisions as an adult, I have to grow up, start my life, and take responsibilty for who I am and what I do with my life.  

money..money..money...

Is money really the root of all evil, and if money shouldn't mean much to you or control your life..then why cant i get away from all of these money problems. Why is money always the answer to all of this sadness that dwells in the pit of my stomach? I hate money..i hate that you always have to have it for everything...and everyone  around you always needs it, and people die because of it...and depression evolves because of it. let me tell you...i am currently five hundred dollars negative in my bank account..andrew will be laid off for two weeks starting next week..and although i start my full time schedule for work in a week...we are still being charged 7 dollars daily in this account...another 32 dollars every week from another 90 being taken out weekly...so add that up. 49+32+90= around 170 a week...so in another two weeks thats another 510 dollars its going to cost...andrew wont have a paycheck and on  top of that...  i owe 90 every two weeks..and a 70 dollar weekly car payment...it just never ends...either will this depression...no house..and you would think s would include a house but it doesnt...how will we get through this jesus? how can this get any better? 

fathers day

Today is hard, seeing everyone post pictures of their dad's, and most of them really good dad's who have been there for them. My dad was there for me, I can say he loved me..I. can say he will always love me, but he will never be a dad. He's always going to be him. It hurts a lot, I could have had a much better life had I had had a father who was supporting, nonjudgemental, who was smart and successful. It will always be hard to know that my dad will never be my dad. He's always going to be just my father who had to leave my life because of what his illness has done to him. Maybe someday it wont hurt as bad as it does now..but it has forever changed who I am.

You Learn.

After a while you learn the subtle difference 

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, 

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning 

And company doesn't mean security. 

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts 

And presents aren't promises, 

And you begin to accept your defeats 

With your head up and your eyes open 

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child, 

And you learn to build all your roads on today 

Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans 

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. 

After a while you learn... 

That even sunshine burns if you get too much. 

So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul, 

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. 

And you learn that you really can endure... 

That you really are strong 

And you really do have worth... 

And you learn and learn... 

With every good-bye you learn.

Kaylin.

Who was I before you? Who would I be without you? You have given me life inside my soul I never knew I had, I have strength I never knew I had. You keep me alive, you bring out my biggest fears. You make me want to try, and be everything that I never had the motivation to be. I feel stronger with you, I feel ready and hopeful, and able to get things organized and set right. I want to finally do the right thing, I want to be prepared and successful. I feel I have a huge mountain to climb, and i am in a huge mud puddle, sliding down with every few steps I take. I can't get out of it, it brings this depression that has me worrying about things I know I can get through. I know I can rely on God to pull me through so that I can be everything for you, that I need to be. Truthfully Kaylin, I am terrified.. I am afraid that I am the only supporter you will have in life, and that weight crushes down on me everyday when I see the huge mud puddle I am standing in. When I was young, Nana and my Dad weren't able to support me like they wanted too, and I lived with your great grandparents for a long time (Mimi and Pawpaw), they are the greatest people. I was so blessed to have them in my life, they saved me from a really bad childhood and gave me a good one, a normal one, they showed me love and made sure I was doing my best in school, I wish you could know them yourself, but they see you now, and Mimi is even saving money for you for when you're older, they smile every time I bring you over, and they love watching all the crazy things you do. They aren't going to be around when you are older, but just know that they love you so much, and they are the two greatest people ever, and they are going to be two amazing guardian angels you are going to have. Another thing, I don't talk about my dad, I know you might want to know him sometime in your life, but I want you to know that he is really not a good person to be around. He means well, but his mind is all wrong, and no matter how much your going to want him in your life, I think the best thing is for him not to be there. He hurt me a lot as a child and he doesn't remember a thing, he has a hard time remembering the truth, and when I say its for the best not to know him, I really do mean that. I will let you decide, but just know that some people have minds that are very messed up, it's a disorder that no one truly understands, but I will let you decide if that's what you want. Also, your Nana and I have a hard time seeing eye to eye, and don't be surprised if she lets you down quite a bit, she did that a lot to me as a child and just as much to me as an adult, I just want you to be cautious, I had grandma and grandpa to help me, and I'm afraid your dad and I's mother and father are a bit disappointing, but your going to have two amazing parents, so I hope that will be enough.  I want so much for you babe, I want you to accomplish every goal you set for yourself, no matter how silly, or no matter how much I don't believe it's right, I want you to achieve it, and be smart, be smarter than me. I want you to explore this world that God has given to us, while we are here. He made it for us, and I want you to get to know him yourself, and know how great his mercy is. You know, when I was pregnant with you, your daddy and I were talking in the car , describing all the features we wanted you to have, your hair blonde, your eyes like mine, your nose and body like your dads, and when you were born it was like he was listening to that, because you were even better than anything we could have ever imagined. I would lay in bed at night and your hiccups or kicks would lull me too sleep. You made me feel at ease, and comfortable when you were close by, almost as if my heart was in my arms when I held you, and when you weren't with me, I felt like I couldn't feel anything until you were back by my side. You hold every single emotion of mine in your being, and you don't even know it. Its love I can't explain, and feelings that come from me that I've never felt. Your tiny fingers in mine, when you hold your two little hands on my cheeks and look at me with those little green eyes, i see you growing up way before I am ready. You are so incredibly smart, you learn more and more each and every day. Its hard to know one day, I won't have that little hand in mine. I won't be able to have you by my side every single moment of the day. Even though you test the crap out of me sometimes, I know that these little moments are so precious, I feel like they just fly away as soon as they come. You are talking so much these days, you call me mommeh, something you just started calling me out of nowhere instead of mommy. You tell me your favorite color is green, you are a picky eater and touch nothing but chicken nuggets and french fries and the small odds and ends of junk food. You love watching curious George and caillou, you love to jump, it's so cute to watch your little curls bounce up and down. You love your back scratched, and you are learning your abc's and colors, you tell me you are a "big girl" and you want to do most things by yourself. you pee'd in the potty two days ago, your daddy and I are so proud of you!
Kaylin, I want you to know that if your Daddy and I fight, or get mad, just know that we will always love each other, and if anything does ever happen to us, we want you to know how much you mean to us, you are the reason we breathe each and every day. We will do anything we can for you, we will provide for you and sacrifice for you. I hope to teach you so much and hope that you will live for God, be his miracle, tell people about him. I am trying to learn more, I want to be so much better than I was. In life you make mistakes, and that's okay, your going to make tons and tons of mistakes, but as long as you learn from them, and better your life from them, you will be okay. There are going to be people in your life that are going to hurt you, and use you, and take so much from you, but don't let that discourage you. I feel that if you keep smiling and let others see how lovely your soul is, they will see how strong you are, even if you are crying inside, but don't forget to let that cry out sometimes, come to me, or a good friend and let us know how your feeling because you can't keep the hurt inside. Don't let men take advantage of you, I fell in love at 15, and gave him my world, all of it, only to find out 6 years later how wrong he was for me. God has someone special for everyone, don't give in to the first guy who tells you he loves you. YOU are worth more than that babe, you need to have pride in yourself, and save your self for who God has for you, because when you find that man, you will know it, you will feel it more than the first. Love isn't giving yourself to a man, when a man proves himself to you, and wants to give you a life forever, and loves God, and wants what you want, and isn't afraid of a family, or commitment, and works hard for you, does little things that are special to you, remembers your birthday, and wants to know our family...THATS the man God wants for you, and he's out there, I promise...you just have to be patient and wait for him. I truly pray with my whole heart that I will be able to be with you your whole life, but life is uncertain, and with that, I write this just in case I can't. You don't know how scared I am that I won't be able to be there for every little moment you experience, but just know that if I can't be, I will be in your heart forever, I will always be watching over you, protecting you, and guiding you to all the right things in your life. Things happen that we have no control over, and when God calls us home, thats the end, and then we go to live in paradise with God, and there is no fear or hurt in heaven, only happiness and love, and I want you to be happy no matter who leaves your life unexpectantly, cause your Daddy and I gave our lives to God, and that's where we will be. I want to be your best friend, and the best mother I can be, your not always going to get the things you want, and most of the time, I'm going to know what's best, and it's not going to be what you want at that time, but just trust me when I tell you I know what I'm talking about. I hope to be with your Daddy forever, we had you before we were married and it was something I ask forgiveness for all of the time, I don't want you to marry before you are ready, but I want you to find the love of your life, and have a good time in your life before you settle down, and have babies. Your Nana and I and your great grandma Sheila all had kids young, break that cycle, wait..please wait because yes having you was the best thing in my life, but it also was the hardest thing to go through, and I lost ALOT of people that I never thought I'd lose, all because I became a mommy. I would choose it every time because now I have you, but I should have waited, finished school and then planned a life with your Daddy. I made my life so much harder than it had to be. I hurt so many people and made so many wrong choices that I can't take back now, and it hurts me every single day, but I learned, and I grew up, and I now know what not to do, and I am so much stronger from it. You are such an amazing person, I see your beautiful personality, and your smile makes it hard for me to get mad at you. Every time I try to get mad, you laugh at me and I forget why I'm even mad (something you acquired from your dad).
        I love you so much Kaylin Grace, and I am going to try my hardest to do everything I can so you are safe and happy, and successful. I am always going to be there, and I hope you will always be able to come to me when you need that someone to be there, I hope to make you proud, and have your support through everything. You couldn't do anything to make me not be there, I will support you even if you and I disagree, and I will love you forever, even when I am with Jesus in heaven, I will never stop loving you, and that is something I always promise you. Talk to me and your dad, be open with us, and don't be afraid to ever tell us something, because no matter how bad it is, we will get through it. Just let us know! One day I will give this too you and I pray that you will hear all of these things a million times before I do, and I hope to have a big house someday, and lay it on your bed for graduation, or maybe your 16th birthday, I don't know, that's still at least 14 years away, but time is going so fast now, I know that will be here in a heart beat. Don't be afraid to dream, let your heart love, and be a free spirit, help people, and love people, even the ones that hurt you. Jesus gave his life so that you can live, tell others of his grace, live by him, and learn his words, don't get discouraged but be encouraged by all the people that disagree, because they need God more than ever. He is there Kaylin, all you have to do it feel him, ask him into your heart and he will show you. He forgives and he will direct you to the right places as long as you trust in him. Last of all, don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone and do something your afraid of " something not dangerous.." but maybe sing in front of a large crowd, or run in a marathon, or something that gives you those butterflies when you think of doing it. When you do those things, later in life you will be happy that you did them, and it will show the strength within you. I am going to make you financially stable, I just have to learn myself right now, but I will, and we are going to be smart with money, saving and preparing for life in the future. You are going to have a great life, and I will pray constantly that your father and I will be able to show you, and help you along the way. You are a beautiful person, strong willed, a perfectionist, and I can't wait to learn more about you, I look forward to watching you grow, don't ever forget that I'm here for you and most of all, don't ever forget that I love you.

Pete and Josie

Somehow the memories fill my heart and it becomes too much for me. I find myself looking out the window to my life and trying to figure why God placed me in this life. Why everything was so hard, why I had to become who I am because of the crap I had to go through. Was it to make me stronger? Was it to make me become someone or something, because when I look at where I am, I believe with a better childhood and with a better up bringing, it would have only made me better. Maybe this is a question God will tell me through the course of my life. A life would have been saved, more than one at that. I could have been done with my education, I could have grown up smart and happy, with a happy family, but it was taken from me with my dad going to prison, and my mom being broke. I could have been adopted into an amazing family. I haven't seen them since I was 9 or 10 or maybe earlier, but I used to stay with these two wonderful people once in awhile. I think for maybe a year or two, not sure. They couldn't get pregnant, and when my dad took us to church, they were there and somehow, I don't know how it happened. Maybe mom and Dad just needed a break or something, but I started going with them after church, staying maybe weekends or weeks, I don't remember how long, but I have a lot of memories. I remember she loved quilting, and she took me to Johnny Appleseed once, and i remember barbeques, corn fields we would run through and new experiences. Being with them, it was like having a perfect mom and dad all to myself. Its crazy to think it's been so long. I remember I would ask them to adopt me so many times, and the last time I saw them, I remember they met with my dad at a McDonalds and asked him if they could adopt me, and I never saw them again. I remember going with them to meet friends, and going roller blading and bowling, and when they moved, or were building their own house, i remember walking through thick mud to go to the guest house and seeing the structure of their new house. I remember a lot, for it seeming like it was just a short time in my life. It hurts me so much now to finally see them again, and see that they adopted a lot of kids and gave them wonderful lives, and here I am, struggling, not really loving how i grew up and wishing i had had parents like them. I have to stop feeling regret and hurt over my "dad" not letting me go, he loved me, and he made me, how was i too expect him and my mom too just give me away. I never felt like my mom loved me, i never thought she tried, and being with them it felt so nice to just be me, to not have so many responsibilities and to just live my life like i wanted too. I just have to let it go, and be who i am continuing to be.

Update to me

*since it's only me who reads these :)



Today is good, yesterday was better. I am trying to take life one day at a time, looking at the clock less, seeing my beautiful girls smile at least every hour and holding her every chance I get. I've been getting anxiety though, cause of the trouble we got ourselves into. About a month ago our landlord came in and found out we had a few pipes laying around, some old things Andrew had from early on even before he met me. Anyway I'm sure I'll remember the story till I'm old, I don't really have to write it, but he called the police and they came to talk to us the next day saying they were going to issue warrants. Ever since then I've been worried out of my mind checking out the warrant list. It's gotten so bad, I can hardly sleep without having nightmares, and when I do sleep it's not without waking up several times, checking out my window to see if there are police cars outside. Every dream I somehow let someone down. Is this what I'm worried about? Letting someone down. Is it myself, is it Kaylin? Any other dream it's about going to jail or losing everything I hold close to my heart. I also dream of my grandparents house, right now it hits hard in my heart. Every happy memory was there. I think that part of my childhood was so happy because i had no worries being there, well until i had to go home to hell...but being there, being able to go so many places in or outside of that house where I was free to sing or talk to myself, or God. I was able to have a good time, learn and be creative. I was loved there, i didn't have to worry about such things like cleaning or working for something. I was free to roam, make up fake audiences and sing my heart out, I was able to hide and keep quiet and listen in on other peoples conversations in my secret hiding spots. I could go in the kitchen and create a new food, experiment, or make something sweet. I didnt have to worry about lunch or dinner because it was the same time everyday, ready and delicious. I loved crawling into my bed, the sheets so soft on my feet and the bed made every day, smelling of fabric softener and mint and love. I remember waking up to the smell of bacon or french toast, or I remember being sick and sleeping on the couch all day watching tv and having grandma come in hourly to check on me, cover me up, bring me soup and medicine. I remember crawling up on grandmas bed while she folded laundry or checked her blood sugar and laying down on the soft pillows and smelling muscle rub and grandpa's after shave. I remember going in the back yard and stepping on the tree roots that poked out of the ground, or swinging from the swingset that was generations old. I remember taking baths in the bath tub, or getting into grandmas old things in the basement. I remember talking to my grandma every day...she's been my best friend since day one..always on my side. And now in this world...the only happiness I see is in my daughter. But it's soon washed away with knowing she won't ever get to feel the way I did being at grandma's house. I want her to feel like she has that safe place, and I want her to be able to roam free and find little hiding places of her own..in a place that smells beautiful and a smell she will remember the rest of her life. I want her to have that...but she never will because my mom is nothing like my grandma. she didn't even know how to be a mother..and ive got to expect her to be a grandma to my baby. that's what disappoints me...thats what hurts me everyday. thats what I miss everyday...thats the depression that weighs me down..till I feel like i have a cinder block on my chest. She has me...but will i be able to provide something like that for her? Grandma and grandpa are still around..but there memory has gotten bad. and they hurt so bad now days...most of the time they can't even give the smile that I always got as a child. I love them so much, but they are slowly fading away, its as if theyre not even here sometimes. I need them to be here..i need them. I need someone to tell me how to do this right, because i was so young when grandma and grandpa were like they were. I didn't even think to learn the simple things they did. I want to be just like my grandma, she's so strong, and did so much to support her family. She is my hero, along with my grandpa, who is extremely smart and wonderful and the most two amazing people in the whole world. Only the only place that I felt like myself is gone, and sold to people who don't even know the wonderful moments that that house held. the Christmases and the birthdays and the good times and the bad times...it was my world. it was my fairytale, somewhere I could go to get away from my parents and run to the people who knew how to be parents. The only place ive ever felt safe...is gone. i dont know who to be anymore...and the monster i was in my teens, ruined just about everyone who ever trusted me. So now im left with hardly anyone but the small family i have now. this is the thing that depresses me..and to move on with life...to live on my own and try to be like grandma is hard.


I smoked weed because it helped. It took away the pain in my heart. my dad still tries to write me..and hes getting out of prison in two years. I don't even know if gma and gpa will be around then...whos going to defend me..whos going to guide me and  prepare me? I smoked because it helped me sleep..it helped me relax and made me not cry all the time. now that im sober..i feel so scared. im scared of everything. im scared of life, and without it, the depression is starting to control my life. somedays i just cry about everything....and the fear in my chest has made it worse since whats happened lately.

Anyway... Andrew just got a good job. So things are looking up. we get to move back into our house with new carpet and new flooring, but where do we go from there? do we move away and try to find that happiness? Can i be the people who raised me, who gave me a life so good? I wish I knew....