Lost promises.

I wanted it to be you. I begged for it to be you. I suffered greatly, put up with the pain and the constant fighting. Put up with the let downs and the continued threats and ever constant emotional turmoil you kept me in. I loved you, and kept you close to my heart, because as hurtful as you were, i felt like you were the only one who could really care for me and our child. I cowered in fear as your anger grew and let you throw your words at me, i let you come to me and use me afterwards, as if sex could ever undo the damage and scars that you have created. Still yet I fought for you, i ignored my creator because i knew he wanted better for me, i fought against my family so they couldn't see what a monster you really were, i let you build a wall between all i ever knew, and let you take me halfway across the country, to make you happy, to let you know how much I was willing to let go for you, and yet you still have ruined every beautiful thing I ever held dear about myself. I now draw up my guard as a security blanket every time someone looks my way because i don't feel good enough, you have plucked my flaws out one by one and shown them to me in detail, you have pushed me away every time i reached for your hand and told me to grow up. I'm never enough for you, when i have done everything for you. I once was a beautiful woman, and now I'm nothing but a ruined child. I've lost my way in a sea full of people and because of you, have no one to show me the right path. You have hurt me for so long, and yet I still want to run back into your arms and give up. I used to have so much hope for you, and now you leave me with nothing but feelings of despair. You act so tuff, but on the inside your nothing but a coward, because you break others down just so you can feel inferior.
I prayed so hard for you, and I feel like my prayers go up into thin air. I know God is somewhere out there, but maybe I have ignored him for too long for him, maybe he truely has given up on me. Why wouldn't he when maybe I have given up on myself. I used to have so much fight in me, and all of that has turned into sadness. Sadness because I have let a man turn me into something that I never wanted to be.
     I wanted so badly for you to be that man, but it was all an act before. You just pretended to be that so that I could fall deeper into your arms, into your black hole of a heart. Now the pain of letting you go is so great, there is so much at stake, and I can't just walk away like before. Now there is so much more to it than that. I need God more than I ever have before, and i don't even know how to talk to him. I don't feel like he even listens anymore. I want to blame you...blame you for letting me lose sight of who I was, but what would that solve? I just need to know what to do now...

holding stronger than ever.

This man... Has been my rock and my heart, through so much of my life. I don't need anyone else's approval for him, because I approve of who he is. He is proof that we all grow, we can all learn to love, and we can become better , if you let yourself. He is my definition of true strength, and he isn't afraid to fight for who he loves. He is tuff, but he has shown me more about myself than I have ever known. There have been a lot of ups and downs with us, but through each trial in our lives, we some how manage to overcome it and learn from it. I learn more about myself everyday because he challenges the part of me that never feels strong enough, and he turns me around to face it, and overcome it. I couldn't get through life without him being there. He gets me, without even having to ask. He respects me for me, he listens, and he makes himself understand even when it doesn't make sense to him. I've never loved someone so head strong, but I have never felt more love for him than I do now. The best thing about us, is that we have a common ground. He never let's me turn away when I'm upset, and even if he doesn't know what to say, he will just listen and be there. He is my complete other half. I know a lot of people judge him for who he is, but we are all human, we all mess up, we all go through life's trials..but I know that God uses those times, so that we can help others going through the same thing. We aren't perfect, and we would never claim to be. I love Andrew for who he is.. And the great person I know he wants to be. I am confident in being by his side for the rest of my life, holding his hand, walking through the worst and enjoying the best. Here's to you babe, to what's came, what's coming, and what's yet to come. Forever and always... <3

losing hope.

So is this finally it? Have I finally hit the point where I want to leave Andrew? So much has happened...and we've been so far apart for so long..I feel so empty..so vulnerable...so broken.
I want to crawl in a hole and bury myself in whatever I can find to hide myself from the pain, and from everyone who asks questions.

Why does this have to be so fricken hard?

Because he's the father of my child?
I just want a normal life..I want a normal day where he's at work, comes home to me. He prays with me, abides by me, loves me and would do a lot for me, a man who fights for me and tells me the things that only I would know. I wanted that in Andrew...so bad. In fact I want him to be this perfect man..but he's not..not even close. I can't expect him to be..but why does he have to be so far off? Why can't I have a happy ending? Life is always hard...and instead of talking to God... I just stay quite...I don't know what to say. Its like I know what he wants..but I'm afraid of disappointing him again...and I just go through the motions of life because I'm not worthy of Gods grace...not when I can't even listen to him. I feel like I'm worthless..and too broken for repair. I don't want to live anymore... I never thought I would feel like this again..but here I am..again...going through the motions of this life. I don't know where to go from here...please god help me...

IMO.

You know what's funny. The fact that most people, who don't believe in Jesus, get so mad, almost furious when anyone tries to speak truth into their lives. Am I biased because I was raised Christian. Any athiest would believe, because I was brought up in a Christian home, it is completely obvious that it was shoved down my throat growing up and that I never got the chance to find out on my own, who I am and what I should believe in. I have an uncle who is atheist, he loves to discuss Christianity and why he believes that I was brainwashed into believing it. I was raised in a loving, caring, non abusive home, full of people who had respect for others, who believed that Jesus was Lord, full of different cultures and families because of adoption.
God IS love, life IS all about following Jesus. That's what the Duggars do. They follow God. They pray, they follow what is right. They are polite, helpful, caring individuals...maybe because their parents have instructed them to do so...but isn't that what a parent is? Teaching your children to do right? Keeping them from harm, and showing them the light that you can be, in this dark and cruel world?
I also don't see why everyone is so full of hate for people who look for a purpose in this life. EVERYONE is. A true believer in Christ isn't going to push Christ down your throat. They will simply follow Jesus's ways, be like him, and that in return makes other people want to be around them, and or like them. I have gay friends, I love my uncle, and I run into people all of the time ..who don't believe in Jesus. I don't preach to them, I don't freak out on them and tell them they are going to hell, but if they ever did come to me with a problem, you better believe my answer to it would be to find out who Jesus is. This world will eventually get worse, and believing in something that is good, and teaches you to forgive the people that hurt you, to help the needy, and to obey the two people who brought you into this world...what's so bad about that? My dad brought me up Christian..and then he ended up going to prison for raping my friend... how could I be brainwashed..when I grew up seeing wrong from the start. My grandparents brought me into their home and showed me who Jesus truly was. I still rebelled and had an abortion at a young age...I don't agree with Bill Gothard's teachings entirely..but what the Duggars seem to be doing, I only wish I could have grown up knowing that way. Having a husband who isn't abusive, who can work for his family, and marrying someone I would never want to divorce.... look at America and tell me who those people are...because there isn't a lot of them. I know everyone is entitled to an opinion...but everything is always over thought. Everyone tries to take the "different" way. You don't want to be like everyone else....well who does? So everyone is Christian? Well it takes a whole lot more to become a Christian than to just claim it. You must follow God's way...it IS the right way. You wouldn't see a Duggar murdering someone..or raping someone. They do what is good, and honorable. This world isn't permanent...its a stepping stone into heaven...and it's not our job to make an atheist go to heaven. Though it is our job to show people what Jesus is all about...and I'm not perfect..I sin just like everyone else...but if I can be even 1% like Jesus....I will have done what I was put here to do.

What I would do...

How come....when you make a mistake in your past, it always follows you?
My first boyfriend/first time/ first love.... followed me for 6 years
My credit/eviction/bad rental history from 5 years ago...makes it impossible to rent/buy anything now.
My dropping out of college in 2011.... disqualifies me from any financial aid now..3 years later


Long story short.... It's like I have ruined my financial future, by stupid immature mistakes I made when I was 18/19.
I have learned so much, gained so much knowledge of credit, and money, and saving, and responsibility in the past 3 years, that I have had my whole life.
My mom never mentioned credit, my grandparents never informed me what was to come, didn't have my dad, and it's like no one told me what to do. I am so lost...I keep telling myself to give it all to the Lord, but there is so much to decide... do I file bankruptcy? I am about 12000 in debt, and I know that would never get paid if I don't file. I would have to start paying back 2 huge payments right away, all by myself, because Andrew is for sure filing bankruptcy. I have 3,000 in medical debt that I'm not even sure is accurate. Our savings are constantly fluctuating ....Andrew just bought a stupid hunting gun for 300 dollars, and doesn't even freaking realize, that in order to just try to find a nice home for rent, we are going to have to have at least a couple of months down. We are going to need money to put down on electric, and gas. It's like he doesn't get it.

I am so freaking lost, I just don't know how Jesus is going to unravel all of this. Will he continue to make me learn everything the hard way? Will he love me enough to provide me with a good life? I just want to know....I just want the answers. I need him to speak to me, to show me, to let me understand that he's not going to lead my life, like my moms. I have faith in Jesus...I just need the answers soon.

feeling lost.

This dream...again and again...wakes me up feeling heartbroken. Just feeling a mans love, knowing he would ultimately do anything to make me happy. Want what's best for me, wants me as his and his alone. Loves everything about me, even the bad. Could help me abide by Gods rule, and not have sex before marriage. Respects me, and loves and keeps God to the most importance. Why do I keep dreaming of this? Why can't I have this? It hurts so much to wake up to real life, to realize that the dream was really only a dream.
Andrew loves me, but in what way? In a way that's comfortable for him. The only way he knows how. I love experiencing things with him, he IS my best friend. I DO love him...but in a way that only makes me comfortable? Are we really afraid to see what else is out there, that we could be keeping each other away from someone like I mentioned above. I know he doesn't have that with me, nor do I. We constantly put each other down, when we should do the exact opposite. We fight sometimes for days, we don't respect eachother as Kaylin's parent. He doesn't agree with how I raise Kaylin, and that's what we fight most about. We fight about money, about him not showing me love. For some reason, something is missing. I know there is someone out there who would do more and who could be the person I keep dreaming about. I haven't been able to look for long, and I jumped right at the first chance I had to having a long lasting relationship. Now I'm going to marry a man I'm not sure about? I'm going to give my life to him, in front of God and our church? Am I making a huge mistake? I don't think God would let me dream about something so intense and warming like this dream was. In the long run, I know Andrew is going to have a ton of health issues. I know I'm going to have to care for him, that's not what scares me. What scares me is that he will be mean and bitter and disrespectful his whole life, which in ends time will make me hurt, and lost and depressed.
What do I do? What did I get myself into? Why couldn't my father have been here to show me, to help me? A father not like my own, but a good one who could have guided me, and loved me appropriately. Why couldn't God send me a man unlike all of the ones I've known, and guide me to a man that he knows will give me his all. I feel so broken. I feel like it's going to be too late very soon. I will pray, I will ask God to not let me go through this if it isn't what is best for me. I want to be happy, in love and guided by a strong man. I want to be happy......I just want to be happy.

Helpless.

The days when you stare out the window at the flurries of snow that never seem to quit falling. When you think you have finally found a missing piece to your puzzle, but God pulls out another million pieces and says "nope, not that one". When you look back at old childhood friends, friends that once meant something to you, and had "your back" through all of the chaos, to find out they want nothing to do with you now. When money runs tight, and bills still multiply. When the world disagrees with what's right, and the one you love, and hold highest in your heart, is something the world chooses to ignore. What can you do about it... How can you change the circumstance?
What I think is perfect, isn't what God's perfect is.

I know this, but the waiting game for spring to come, and for a great and decently priced home to just pop up, and for the hurt in my heart from the friend who could care less, to go away, and the bills to be paid with exceptional money, and standing up to not support what America supports, but to support what is right by Jesus's standards, and to stand up for him amongst a billion of people screaming at you saying your wrong.... 

When you pray, and feel like no one is listening.

I know Jesus is here.... I just have to pray.