There's no hiding it. This feeling, it's so raw, it cuts into me, releasing the hurt and antagonizing feeling that I'm trapped, that I'm suffocating mentally. I can't feel my heart...I know it's in there...but these days, like today, completely make me feel like a nothing of a person. I don't feel love being released or accepted. I don't feel happy.
I sat in church today, and tried so hard to feel his presence. To feel like he hears me, to feel his love surround me, like normal. Though I know he's here, I feel like I'm in a dark place, and I see nothing. I'm scared, that's an understatement...I am terrified of days like these. Where I feel like I've wasted such a long time, staying in a place where I'm not happy. I'm not proud of myself, I don't want to be with anybody, hear anybody, I don't feel anyone could understand me at this point. I don't even understand me. I can only hope and pray that God is listening, he is right by my side, holding me up, telling me to not be afraid, to trust in him. I can do this...I can move forward with my life...I can forgive myself...I can make myself happy....with his help. I don't have to be angry with myself that I haven't started college. I don't have to question my relationship..and wonder if he's truly who I want to be with...I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANY OF THAT....because he has me here for a reason. He wouldn't have me here if it wasn't in his will. I am scared....but with God....I know he won't leave me like this. because...
He is with me.
Always.
I sat in church today, and tried so hard to feel his presence. To feel like he hears me, to feel his love surround me, like normal. Though I know he's here, I feel like I'm in a dark place, and I see nothing. I'm scared, that's an understatement...I am terrified of days like these. Where I feel like I've wasted such a long time, staying in a place where I'm not happy. I'm not proud of myself, I don't want to be with anybody, hear anybody, I don't feel anyone could understand me at this point. I don't even understand me. I can only hope and pray that God is listening, he is right by my side, holding me up, telling me to not be afraid, to trust in him. I can do this...I can move forward with my life...I can forgive myself...I can make myself happy....with his help. I don't have to be angry with myself that I haven't started college. I don't have to question my relationship..and wonder if he's truly who I want to be with...I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANY OF THAT....because he has me here for a reason. He wouldn't have me here if it wasn't in his will. I am scared....but with God....I know he won't leave me like this. because...
He is with me.
Always.
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