Somehow the memories fill my heart and it becomes too much for me. I find myself looking out the window to my life and trying to figure why God placed me in this life. Why everything was so hard, why I had to become who I am because of the crap I had to go through. Was it to make me stronger? Was it to make me become someone or something, because when I look at where I am, I believe with a better childhood and with a better up bringing, it would have only made me better. Maybe this is a question God will tell me through the course of my life. A life would have been saved, more than one at that. I could have been done with my education, I could have grown up smart and happy, with a happy family, but it was taken from me with my dad going to prison, and my mom being broke. I could have been adopted into an amazing family. I haven't seen them since I was 9 or 10 or maybe earlier, but I used to stay with these two wonderful people once in awhile. I think for maybe a year or two, not sure. They couldn't get pregnant, and when my dad took us to church, they were there and somehow, I don't know how it happened. Maybe mom and Dad just needed a break or something, but I started going with them after church, staying maybe weekends or weeks, I don't remember how long, but I have a lot of memories. I remember she loved quilting, and she took me to Johnny Appleseed once, and i remember barbeques, corn fields we would run through and new experiences. Being with them, it was like having a perfect mom and dad all to myself. Its crazy to think it's been so long. I remember I would ask them to adopt me so many times, and the last time I saw them, I remember they met with my dad at a McDonalds and asked him if they could adopt me, and I never saw them again. I remember going with them to meet friends, and going roller blading and bowling, and when they moved, or were building their own house, i remember walking through thick mud to go to the guest house and seeing the structure of their new house. I remember a lot, for it seeming like it was just a short time in my life. It hurts me so much now to finally see them again, and see that they adopted a lot of kids and gave them wonderful lives, and here I am, struggling, not really loving how i grew up and wishing i had had parents like them. I have to stop feeling regret and hurt over my "dad" not letting me go, he loved me, and he made me, how was i too expect him and my mom too just give me away. I never felt like my mom loved me, i never thought she tried, and being with them it felt so nice to just be me, to not have so many responsibilities and to just live my life like i wanted too. I just have to let it go, and be who i am continuing to be.
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