My addiction.

I was addicted once. Where going to his home was something I'd fight myself over, emotionally. I'd fight my mind to the death, tell myself it was the last time, and a few weeks later I'd catch myself slipping out of my bedroom window...blocking out the consequences with my music. Just one more time. I'd say to myself. One more time will help me get over him, one more time will make me all better. I was sick though, I did it because after it was over..the numbness would flood my heart. Then the following day would come, and I hated myself even more. It was like I blocked out the reasons, and went with what would make me feel better. That's all I wanted, to feel better. I Know sometimes I don't know what I feel. I catch glimpses of love that is so over whelming, I have blocked out so much life, now that it comes times to actually live it..my memory is tarnished forever. I do love...but I can't feel anymore. I can't be happy. I have known for so long. Why? Why can't I feel anything? I love so much...I love my daughter...I love Andrew...but I don't love myself. Weddings, birthdays, holidays...it's like I'm an empty shell. Standing there with a smile on my face... I feel nothing. So I live my life... losing every memory as they go. What will it take to feel something?...Anything?

The other day I turned on the radio..to christian music, and automatically my heart is flooded with emotion...with love...with guidance. So many times people have asked me why I believe in God...how I can believe in something that they say has the world in chaos? Because...through God...I can feel again. I can feel happy..I can feel my life is worth living. That the sunshine feels good on my shoulders. That Kaylins smile..and laughter is worth so much...that happiness is there. I finally see the love through the holidays..I can smile..and actually feel it. I lost so much of my life, and sometimes my memory takes me back to those times...often. God reminds me..he is with me. Two days ago...I turned on the radio...and went to the mirror, and my cross glistened in the light... just a glimpse. But it reminded me that God is here..he will always be here, and when I feel the emptyness..when I feel like a shell of a person...I remember who makes me whole everyday. And that's all I need.