I don't get how it happens. Why do we get depression? I always knew my mom had it, and I always thought it was something that could be fixed by doing something that made you feel better.
I never ever thought it was this uncontrollable sadness, over anything! All the stuff you worry most about, just surrounds your thinking in an instant, you feel like nothing is worth it, nothing is going to get better, and that life isn't worth living.
Like today, I was talking with this older couple at work about her brother who just died, he had congestive heart failure and got really sick and died at 76. My heart just dropped. My grandpa is 86 and has that, and does so much, one day it's just going to kill him. So as I got home, it just hit me how much losing grandma and grandpa is going to hurt. I know they are in so much pain, that knowing they wouldn't feel that anymore would make their souls happy, but losing the people who raised me, loved me, and cared about me more than my own parents, is tragic. It's horrible. No one understands because when you lose your grandparents, it's something that happens. Losing my grandparents, is like losing my parents. I don't have many people there, not many who put your life in front of their own, not many who would drop everything and come help you in an instant. I feel so lost, and broken inside. I need them so much, I need them like I need a mom and dad. I have so many flashbacks of growing up at grandma and grandpa's. The happiness, the love, the freedom, the care and comfort. Will I ever feel that again? Can I ever provide that for my own daughter? Grandma and Grandpa's is like my safe place, when I'm hurt, tired, in pain, or need someone to talk to, that's where I go. It's like a reset button to my soul, a place I can sit, refresh my heart, and go on with life. Where do I go when their not there? When will I ever feel loved like they loved me?
Depression sucks. It's horrible, and it makes you feel like nothing is good, when everything may very well be okay. My life is good. I love my life, I love the possibility of my future, and what it all holds.
But.
when depression clouds my brain.... nothing is ever good enough.
I never ever thought it was this uncontrollable sadness, over anything! All the stuff you worry most about, just surrounds your thinking in an instant, you feel like nothing is worth it, nothing is going to get better, and that life isn't worth living.
Like today, I was talking with this older couple at work about her brother who just died, he had congestive heart failure and got really sick and died at 76. My heart just dropped. My grandpa is 86 and has that, and does so much, one day it's just going to kill him. So as I got home, it just hit me how much losing grandma and grandpa is going to hurt. I know they are in so much pain, that knowing they wouldn't feel that anymore would make their souls happy, but losing the people who raised me, loved me, and cared about me more than my own parents, is tragic. It's horrible. No one understands because when you lose your grandparents, it's something that happens. Losing my grandparents, is like losing my parents. I don't have many people there, not many who put your life in front of their own, not many who would drop everything and come help you in an instant. I feel so lost, and broken inside. I need them so much, I need them like I need a mom and dad. I have so many flashbacks of growing up at grandma and grandpa's. The happiness, the love, the freedom, the care and comfort. Will I ever feel that again? Can I ever provide that for my own daughter? Grandma and Grandpa's is like my safe place, when I'm hurt, tired, in pain, or need someone to talk to, that's where I go. It's like a reset button to my soul, a place I can sit, refresh my heart, and go on with life. Where do I go when their not there? When will I ever feel loved like they loved me?
Depression sucks. It's horrible, and it makes you feel like nothing is good, when everything may very well be okay. My life is good. I love my life, I love the possibility of my future, and what it all holds.
But.
when depression clouds my brain.... nothing is ever good enough.
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