My thoughts.

I don't always wake up and wish to be in this world. Sometimes I know it would be easier to be up in heaven with God, because I could do so much more I feel, if I was there. There are times I don't want to be a mom, and I wish I could crawl back into bed and ignore the screaming and crying and never wake up. Other times I wish I could do more, I could be there more, and I've never felt happier with my daughter in my arms. Sometimes i feel like my sole purpose in this world is to raise this child up right, and I'll never be happier. I wish I was nicer, I wish I was more organized and put together. I wish I could wake up with a routine, do my hair up nice, put my make up on perfectly. I wish I had the house clean when Andrew gets home, Kaylin all bathed and dinner on the stove. Other times I cry because I want my past, I want my grand parents to be in the next room, in their old home, where happiness was abundant and life was nowhere close to perfect, but I had my safe haven. Sometimes I don't want to be sorry for things I say, and there's quite a bit I have to hold back. Sometimes I look into my patients eyes and feel no ounce of remorse for them, other times I feel like their sadness rests on my heart. Sometimes the pain in my back hurts so bad, no matter what anyone says to me, I just don't care, and I just want to crawl in an empty hospital bed and have someone care for me, worry about me, let me rest! If I could just sleep for a day, or two, or have a few days to be me, to do what I want to do. Absolutly noone that I know, will ever understand how much I just need a break from being a mom. Sometimes I crave it, and mentally I know I really need it. Other times I don't feel like you could pry me from my daughters arms. Most days I hate my family, I hate my past, I hate how I grew up, and who I became. Maybe God knows why I am who I am, but I never will. I'll never know why he put me in a life without a father who could help me grow, without a mother who can support me mentally and physically, or who could bring me up as a respectable person. I don't know why he made me spend most of my childhood raising my handicapped sister, or being mentally and physically abused by my father. Today it seems very little to what some people go through, but I could have been so much better, had I had a little more. Had I have had younger grandparents to atleast be there with me as I grew into an adult. I'm losing them soon, and with my moms mental problems, I don't have many people to turn too. Sometimes I wish people could see that I'm despertaly crying out for help, someone...anyone. I have so much, and have worked with so little, and I don't feel I have came very far. Maybe mentally I'm more aware, but I messed up so much in my past, I feel I will spend forever making up for my mistakes. The mistakes I made because noone told me how to do it right. Not even grandma and grandpa...or maybe I didn't listen. Sometimes I feel so very alone, I forgive to easily...I let people get away with destroying my heart..and letting them right back into my life. I don't understand why I'm here.... I am so lost.