*since it's only me who reads these :)
Today is good, yesterday was better. I am trying to take life one day at a time, looking at the clock less, seeing my beautiful girls smile at least every hour and holding her every chance I get. I've been getting anxiety though, cause of the trouble we got ourselves into. About a month ago our landlord came in and found out we had a few pipes laying around, some old things Andrew had from early on even before he met me. Anyway I'm sure I'll remember the story till I'm old, I don't really have to write it, but he called the police and they came to talk to us the next day saying they were going to issue warrants. Ever since then I've been worried out of my mind checking out the warrant list. It's gotten so bad, I can hardly sleep without having nightmares, and when I do sleep it's not without waking up several times, checking out my window to see if there are police cars outside. Every dream I somehow let someone down. Is this what I'm worried about? Letting someone down. Is it myself, is it Kaylin? Any other dream it's about going to jail or losing everything I hold close to my heart. I also dream of my grandparents house, right now it hits hard in my heart. Every happy memory was there. I think that part of my childhood was so happy because i had no worries being there, well until i had to go home to hell...but being there, being able to go so many places in or outside of that house where I was free to sing or talk to myself, or God. I was able to have a good time, learn and be creative. I was loved there, i didn't have to worry about such things like cleaning or working for something. I was free to roam, make up fake audiences and sing my heart out, I was able to hide and keep quiet and listen in on other peoples conversations in my secret hiding spots. I could go in the kitchen and create a new food, experiment, or make something sweet. I didnt have to worry about lunch or dinner because it was the same time everyday, ready and delicious. I loved crawling into my bed, the sheets so soft on my feet and the bed made every day, smelling of fabric softener and mint and love. I remember waking up to the smell of bacon or french toast, or I remember being sick and sleeping on the couch all day watching tv and having grandma come in hourly to check on me, cover me up, bring me soup and medicine. I remember crawling up on grandmas bed while she folded laundry or checked her blood sugar and laying down on the soft pillows and smelling muscle rub and grandpa's after shave. I remember going in the back yard and stepping on the tree roots that poked out of the ground, or swinging from the swingset that was generations old. I remember taking baths in the bath tub, or getting into grandmas old things in the basement. I remember talking to my grandma every day...she's been my best friend since day one..always on my side. And now in this world...the only happiness I see is in my daughter. But it's soon washed away with knowing she won't ever get to feel the way I did being at grandma's house. I want her to feel like she has that safe place, and I want her to be able to roam free and find little hiding places of her own..in a place that smells beautiful and a smell she will remember the rest of her life. I want her to have that...but she never will because my mom is nothing like my grandma. she didn't even know how to be a mother..and ive got to expect her to be a grandma to my baby. that's what disappoints me...thats what hurts me everyday. thats what I miss everyday...thats the depression that weighs me down..till I feel like i have a cinder block on my chest. She has me...but will i be able to provide something like that for her? Grandma and grandpa are still around..but there memory has gotten bad. and they hurt so bad now days...most of the time they can't even give the smile that I always got as a child. I love them so much, but they are slowly fading away, its as if theyre not even here sometimes. I need them to be here..i need them. I need someone to tell me how to do this right, because i was so young when grandma and grandpa were like they were. I didn't even think to learn the simple things they did. I want to be just like my grandma, she's so strong, and did so much to support her family. She is my hero, along with my grandpa, who is extremely smart and wonderful and the most two amazing people in the whole world. Only the only place that I felt like myself is gone, and sold to people who don't even know the wonderful moments that that house held. the Christmases and the birthdays and the good times and the bad times...it was my world. it was my fairytale, somewhere I could go to get away from my parents and run to the people who knew how to be parents. The only place ive ever felt safe...is gone. i dont know who to be anymore...and the monster i was in my teens, ruined just about everyone who ever trusted me. So now im left with hardly anyone but the small family i have now. this is the thing that depresses me..and to move on with life...to live on my own and try to be like grandma is hard.
I smoked weed because it helped. It took away the pain in my heart. my dad still tries to write me..and hes getting out of prison in two years. I don't even know if gma and gpa will be around then...whos going to defend me..whos going to guide me and prepare me? I smoked because it helped me sleep..it helped me relax and made me not cry all the time. now that im sober..i feel so scared. im scared of everything. im scared of life, and without it, the depression is starting to control my life. somedays i just cry about everything....and the fear in my chest has made it worse since whats happened lately.
Anyway... Andrew just got a good job. So things are looking up. we get to move back into our house with new carpet and new flooring, but where do we go from there? do we move away and try to find that happiness? Can i be the people who raised me, who gave me a life so good? I wish I knew....
Today is good, yesterday was better. I am trying to take life one day at a time, looking at the clock less, seeing my beautiful girls smile at least every hour and holding her every chance I get. I've been getting anxiety though, cause of the trouble we got ourselves into. About a month ago our landlord came in and found out we had a few pipes laying around, some old things Andrew had from early on even before he met me. Anyway I'm sure I'll remember the story till I'm old, I don't really have to write it, but he called the police and they came to talk to us the next day saying they were going to issue warrants. Ever since then I've been worried out of my mind checking out the warrant list. It's gotten so bad, I can hardly sleep without having nightmares, and when I do sleep it's not without waking up several times, checking out my window to see if there are police cars outside. Every dream I somehow let someone down. Is this what I'm worried about? Letting someone down. Is it myself, is it Kaylin? Any other dream it's about going to jail or losing everything I hold close to my heart. I also dream of my grandparents house, right now it hits hard in my heart. Every happy memory was there. I think that part of my childhood was so happy because i had no worries being there, well until i had to go home to hell...but being there, being able to go so many places in or outside of that house where I was free to sing or talk to myself, or God. I was able to have a good time, learn and be creative. I was loved there, i didn't have to worry about such things like cleaning or working for something. I was free to roam, make up fake audiences and sing my heart out, I was able to hide and keep quiet and listen in on other peoples conversations in my secret hiding spots. I could go in the kitchen and create a new food, experiment, or make something sweet. I didnt have to worry about lunch or dinner because it was the same time everyday, ready and delicious. I loved crawling into my bed, the sheets so soft on my feet and the bed made every day, smelling of fabric softener and mint and love. I remember waking up to the smell of bacon or french toast, or I remember being sick and sleeping on the couch all day watching tv and having grandma come in hourly to check on me, cover me up, bring me soup and medicine. I remember crawling up on grandmas bed while she folded laundry or checked her blood sugar and laying down on the soft pillows and smelling muscle rub and grandpa's after shave. I remember going in the back yard and stepping on the tree roots that poked out of the ground, or swinging from the swingset that was generations old. I remember taking baths in the bath tub, or getting into grandmas old things in the basement. I remember talking to my grandma every day...she's been my best friend since day one..always on my side. And now in this world...the only happiness I see is in my daughter. But it's soon washed away with knowing she won't ever get to feel the way I did being at grandma's house. I want her to feel like she has that safe place, and I want her to be able to roam free and find little hiding places of her own..in a place that smells beautiful and a smell she will remember the rest of her life. I want her to have that...but she never will because my mom is nothing like my grandma. she didn't even know how to be a mother..and ive got to expect her to be a grandma to my baby. that's what disappoints me...thats what hurts me everyday. thats what I miss everyday...thats the depression that weighs me down..till I feel like i have a cinder block on my chest. She has me...but will i be able to provide something like that for her? Grandma and grandpa are still around..but there memory has gotten bad. and they hurt so bad now days...most of the time they can't even give the smile that I always got as a child. I love them so much, but they are slowly fading away, its as if theyre not even here sometimes. I need them to be here..i need them. I need someone to tell me how to do this right, because i was so young when grandma and grandpa were like they were. I didn't even think to learn the simple things they did. I want to be just like my grandma, she's so strong, and did so much to support her family. She is my hero, along with my grandpa, who is extremely smart and wonderful and the most two amazing people in the whole world. Only the only place that I felt like myself is gone, and sold to people who don't even know the wonderful moments that that house held. the Christmases and the birthdays and the good times and the bad times...it was my world. it was my fairytale, somewhere I could go to get away from my parents and run to the people who knew how to be parents. The only place ive ever felt safe...is gone. i dont know who to be anymore...and the monster i was in my teens, ruined just about everyone who ever trusted me. So now im left with hardly anyone but the small family i have now. this is the thing that depresses me..and to move on with life...to live on my own and try to be like grandma is hard.
I smoked weed because it helped. It took away the pain in my heart. my dad still tries to write me..and hes getting out of prison in two years. I don't even know if gma and gpa will be around then...whos going to defend me..whos going to guide me and prepare me? I smoked because it helped me sleep..it helped me relax and made me not cry all the time. now that im sober..i feel so scared. im scared of everything. im scared of life, and without it, the depression is starting to control my life. somedays i just cry about everything....and the fear in my chest has made it worse since whats happened lately.
Anyway... Andrew just got a good job. So things are looking up. we get to move back into our house with new carpet and new flooring, but where do we go from there? do we move away and try to find that happiness? Can i be the people who raised me, who gave me a life so good? I wish I knew....
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