Afraid of working.

I don't know why, ever since I got my new tech job, I've been so afraid of going to work. It's such a good job, and I was completely blessed to get it. I mean I get why I am so afriad, I guess I feel like I don't know as much as everyone else, and the day just takes so much out of me. My back kills by the time I get off and all I want to do when I get off is go to bed, and I work 12 hours tonight and tomorrow..then off three days, work two more days, and off for seven days..and somehow I feel so afraid to go into work. I am afraid because if someone codes, or something happens when I am around, that I may do something wrong. Sometimes I feel like I am in way over my head, and I will never fully learn everything. I need a system, like to write everything down about the day, so I can learn better..but I still dread going into work. I love working with the people, I love the other techs and nurses, but somehow I feel so unprepared for this job, and I have noone really to talk to, in housekeeping..it was my family, and yea i disliked the job, but i didn't mind coming into work. I knew what to do, and the worst possible thing that could of happened to me was maybe being in a room where someone codes...but I wouldn't have to know what to do...but now I have to be fully aware of everything. The patients breathing, and what forms on them, I need to know so much...and I feel like I know nothing. I don't know the names of anything, I have to ask the nurses for everything. I can hardly remember something when someone asks me..I guess I am just not as prepared for this job like I thought I would be. There's so much to do, and sometimes I don't even have time to just sit and chill for a minute without someone looking at me like I'm not doing my job. It's so hard and crazy...and now that the only lady that understood me got fired...the one who had as much to complain about as i did...i feel so alone. like everyone else can do this besides me...i don't know what to do besides pray and wait for my 6 months to come..so i can transfer to another floor that is easier. I know that being on the medical floor is hard because you get every type of patient..and we are constantly full...but gese...why is it so hard for me to grasp onto...am i making this more difficult than it really is? Blah... idk....I keep telling myself it's going to get better as time goes on..but i don't know if I fully believe myself. The good thing is..the days go fast ..really fast. So i don't have time to think about how much I don't know..i just ask for help. I need to pray...God can handle this. He can help me.

Dad

You always ask whether or not I am doing what God wants of me. Am I sinning? Am I faithful to God? Do I believe in God? Of course you always believe the negativity of everything. I'm out doing drugs, I'm living in the street, somehow it's like you believe that because you weren't around, that all of our lives have gone to hell.
        Truthfully, you have no room to talk. We are all sinners, we all do things that we regret. I know, in my heart that you never meant to do to Jessica what everyone believes you did, I believe what mom says. I think you thought it was her that night, and by accident, it happened. It was a mistake, you didn't know. How do I know that? Because out of everything I've gone through with you, out of everything I have come to know all of these years. I've been learning about you, about mom and about God. I've had to go through the memories in my mind, picking about things, why did this happen? What did he mean by this? Why was my dad like the way he was? Why did mom do the things she did? I'm learning, and I feel like I know the truth now. I know your a good person, even if it's taken me years to see it. It has taken me years to forgive you for the childhood that I couldn't have. You sit there in that prison. Maybe you don't know what's going on because I don't write you. Do you think that all of these years I was trying to forgive you? I never knew what to say. I told you I loved you in that courtroom because, you are my father. Whether or not I like it, you are the one who made me. Who gave me life. Would I prefer someone better...yea..I would. But God gave me you. I have to accept that. He does everything for a reason. Reasons I don't understand even..because I don't know why God gave you and mom, Alyssa, because she could have gone to a home that took so much better care of her. Who could afford to raise her into the women she needed to be, but because she is in our family..she is christian. For what she understands of God, she is going to be saved. It took me forever to get that. Why was I your child? Why was I chosen to grow up without a father? Why was I yelled at when things weren't picked up around the house. Why did I suffer when the bills were not paid? Why did I have to learn the hard way through life, wondering why I was suffering because of you and moms mistakes? BECAUSE. it made me strong. It made me believe in a God who forgives. It gave me the most amazing grandparents to show me that life was good, and it could be good. They brought me out of the wreckage. YEA...The ones you blamed everything on? gave me a life you couldn't give me. That tore you down, knowing that we wanted to be there more than we wanted to be home with you, so you lied, and you told me all the lies about them. Them hurting Andrew, about the abuse they did. They never did any of that, they were full of love and kindness. They weren't perfect, but they paid for haircuts, and extra curricular activities so we could live out our dreams. and yet you still blamed them. I would of been living on the streets if it hadn't been for them. God forgives! why didn't you!? God loves! Why didn't you love us enough to want the best for us? even if you couldn't of given it to us yourself. You should have loved them like God loves you!

I admit...I have done things that I am not proud of. I have lived a life that should of been going to hell...but somehow God forgave me for my sin. It took me a long time to forgive myself..but I did. Finally..i surrendered myself to my ever loving God..and I forgave myself. and I forgave you. I forgave you for hurting me when it wasn't my fault. I forgave you for walking around naked through my childhood..the first penis I ever saw was my dad's! I should have never seen that! You abused my mother in front of us kids..yelled at her through the nights so we stayed up and watched you even with school the next morning! We never saw a good relationship because all you could do was argue! You slept while you could have been looking for work! You could of saved money for us to go to college, you could have done so much more than you could have...and you left us without a father...for the rest of my life. I don't even know you anymore...neither do you know me. Because if you did..you wouldn't write me letters saying the things you say. You would trust that you raised me the right way...but you didn't..because you never raised me. I couldn't write you...I couldn't because I was so angry with you. YOU TOOK MY CHILDHOOD AWAY!. You had me digging through garbage bags to find metal for money just so we could eat the next day. You ever hear of Hepatitis or C diff? We could have gotten that from digging through those trash cans...how about pop cans on the side of the road...didn't you ever think of all of the diseases we could have caught? People aren't clean...and we picked up trash from those people! I know this now! back then it was fun because I didn't know what was happening! Was that a good life for us Dad? Was it good seeing you hit my mother in front of us? Or bashing her when she was gone? ......but I forgive you! Because God forgives me! And I hope to God he forgives you!

If you think you are in there..because you touched a girl...your wrong.

You are in there because you ruined the lives of your children. You put us in dangerous situations, bashed the people we love, and had no respect for our futures. As a mom...I now know what not to do as a parent because of you. I will love my child and support her in any way I can. I will work 30 hour days for her because it will better her life that much more. I trust that God has good things going for us..because I believe solely that he can move mountains...

So I pray for you. I pray that you see what your life was..and I pray that you fix who you are. I pray that God lets you remember your past the right way..and I pray that you seek his forgiveness...

I can't promise that when you come out..I will want anything to do with you if you are the man you are today. You are blind to the fact that you think you were a good role model. If you think that shoving my faults in my face..or writing my boyfriend and shoving his faults in his face is ever going to show me that your anything but a hypocrite..then yea..that's true. We aren't perfect..but God made us that way. Kaylin is not your granddaughter because you don't deserve to be called Grandpa. I don't know if you ever will.

I can forgive you..but I will never forget. You changed my life for the better because I have grown so much, I have learned so much. Maybe in the bible it says to use the rod and whip the child...maybe it says to honer your father and mother...but I will never honer a father who accuses me of false pretenses, who thinks my life is condemed because I am unwed and am a mother. Your have many faults..as do I...but I don't need to bring up your past anymore...because I forgive you. 

5 minutes.

I saw you again today..but today was different. You were kind and your smile was breath taking. You looked at me as if you wanted to know more, you wanted more time. It was merely 5 minutes, but I think I fell in love. A little..as anyone could experience love at first sight. I just keep remembering your smile. I wish I had had more time...I've seen you before ..but this time was different. Something clicked...Something about you just made me want to know all about you. Than you told me you were going to be a pastor but also be in the medical field...and i think my heart skipped a beat. Ah that smile! but then I sit there and I think..it could never work. He's probably married, or has 5 children, or something else. This stuff doesn't just happen, but it just doesn't seem like a coincidence. Because right after we talked, I felt something say " see he's a pastor in training".." he would be so much better for you" not those exact words, but like God was answering the questions to my heart. I know that this means something...AND THEN..he came back by me and looked at me and smiled. There has to be something. And I know where to find him...the church i used to go to..sunday..at 530. sigh.... this is nuts. this would never work..i have andrew..and kaylin. Even if it was just 5 minutes...i think his smile changed me for a lifetime. :)

Home.

Sometimes I just want to go home. Not home home in the general setting..but home, back to grandma and grandpas house. The walls filled with warmth, and love. Knowing that the bad of the world was outside those walls, and couldn't get you from inside. I remember being 8 or so-ish, and my dad was coming to pick me up from grandma and grandpas..just because he didn't want me over there. I felt like my world was ending.. I was being taken away from the people who really cared, who really showed me love. He came to the door, and my Aunt Erica was standing beside me. I felt protected, like if he got mad at me for anything, she had my back. It's all pretty blurry, but I remember when he showed up. My heart was in a million pieces, I didn't wanna go back to that house. I didn't want to be with him. He came to the door and I started to scream as he dragged me from the door frame. Erica got up in his face and yelled at him to leave and keep me here. If I wanted to be here instead of at mom's, then it was my decision. He wasn't having that and the fighting began. I didn't want them to fight, so unagreeably I let go of my aunt and followed my dad to his car. He told me to give him a kiss and once he turned around I spit, he came over and slapped me as hard as could be. "Don't you ever spit off my kisses, I am your father and you will respect me!" I cried so hard that day, and that was the day I chose my side. I was never going to love him..I was never going to believe he was really my father. I've never felt "at home" with my mom or dad. Home was with Grandma and Grandpa. Where dinner was ready all the time, I didn't have to worry about bills, or food, or cleaning the house. I could live my life, and be the person I wanted to be. I could play with games, and watch tv. Things I could never do at home. Even when child protective services came over to moms, In the back of my head I always wished they could see that at the last minute we hurried to pick up the dump of a house. The fact that mom and dad fought all of the time, or the fact that that night our electricity was scheduled to be shut off, or even that if that lady had looked in our fridge or cabinets, there was nothing there. As far as I'm concerned..Any family is going to hide for cps. It's known...but I never gave up hope that maybe someday we would all be sent to live with grandma and grandpa. Anyway..my point is..my heart was at my grandparents home. I loved it there, and today it still tears my heart apart to know that its not there. Theres a huge empty hole in my heart that the love used to fill when I went there. I was in my happy place. I was in a place where no one yelled, no one was unhappy. Grandma was always around for comfort, and Grandpa always gave me that "I know what your up to" kinda smile. I think that is what depresses me the most. Not being able to go there, walk through those doors and see that living room. Or go into my old bedroom and feel the freshly made bed. Or go and play in the basement. Grandma and Grandpa are getting older, and they are forgetting. They still smile at me and love me just the same, but the friends I had are slowly dieing...and I have to rediscover who I am alone. I have to do this all alone, when back in the day, every problem I had was fixed with them. I could go to them about anything...and now its just hard. I feel so sick to my stomach when I think of the good ol days. The days of sledding at the hill and going to play red rover and tag with the neighborhood. Life was good..and I never thought it was going to end. But it did. Christmases are so blank now, and I try to fill them up by having them at my own home, but its not the same. Nothing will ever replace that house. Nothing will ever make me feel better about growing up. I choose to do it as fast as I did...so here are my consequences. I feel so low to have grown up so fast...I would do anything to take it all back and start a new. Life means so little now...except for Kaylin..thats the only happiness I get. I still wish I could give her what grandpa and grandma gave me... a little bit of home.

invisible.

You must be blind to not see it. I don't know if you make yourself immune to it, or if you refuse to accept whats going on. Your anger is so out of control sometimes its like a war zone, I can't make it to my battle station fast enough because my heart refuses to accept its really happening. It's like seeing something you don't want to happen, happen. Your heart goes crazy trying to make it stop, but you have no defense. I don't want to fight with you, I don't want us yelling and getting mad. I've laid awake so many nights dreading when this monster is going to come back. I don't see how you don't see the fear in my eyes. I look at relationships and no normal relationship does this. They don't tear each other down when they are mad, they don't do the crap you do. We've gone over and over and over the things you do, the things you say..and its like..woah woah..come down. What's going on..why is this happening? Why are you getting so mad? Why aren't we fixing this instead of getting mad at it. I've tried making excuses for you..or I guess I still am. Why can't you change this? Why does it have to be this way? Why? Cause I love you so much...and its like trying to say the thing you want most is ruining your self being. The thing that makes you smile..is the thing that is tearing you down, and intoxicating you. But its over in an instant...the fighting dies down and you return to normal. Nothing ever happened...

but it did.


And I'm scarred more than ever from it. Because you won't make this better, I don't even think you are physically able to make it better. Because you don't control yourself. When your mad,, your mad. End of story. I just find it so hard to leave...it was 7 days until now..and now we start all over. What am I gonna do next to piss Andrew off? What face will I make to have him throw something and cuss me out until I'm yelling back. What do I do?


A normal girl would be like..fuck this..I'm out.   


....But I guess I'm not normal.

Homeless.

I don't know where life stands right now. Sometimes I can't believe I'm at where I'm at..and then other times I go into shock and can't believe life is what it is. Andrew still doesn't have a job, which you may think, oh well that sounds like him. He's not trying blah blah blah..but on the contrary hes been going to numerous places daily, grabbing temp jobs and making an effort in finding something. I guess our luck sucks right now though because there is nothing. I literally don't know what we are going to do. We are in debt over our heads and we are still trying to say that we can do this. I feel like giving up. We don't even have the gas so that I can work over time. I mean this is bad. I don't know what to do, and i believe we may just find our selves back at my moms. That's how bad this is. Ugh I just ask that God can help us, I'm so tired of suffering.

Beauty in all she is.

Oh my heart swells a little more everyday seeing my baby grow. I honestly can't believe she is growing as fast as she is. I remember how scared I was, how I was worried about the future..but also how excited I am to have someone to be there with me. I have her through my mistakes, and she loves me through the hurt. I've never relied on someone so much like I do her. I feel like she protects me just as much as I protect her. I will be brave and stand up for her, even though I still feel like a child sometimes. I feel like I reach out for someone to guide me through and the hand I get is Gods. I can't physically see him, or feel him but I know I get his help a lot. Things happen that I never thought could happen, God is the person I lean on the most. My mom has helped and my Aunt has helped a lot. I couldn't do it without them and my grandparents. That is my security blanket. Now I just pray that Andrew can stand up and protect us too. I know he can..I know he loves his girls..I know we can do this. I hope God let's this happen for us. I just can't give up on him...

When history repeats

I look at you today..and sometimes it feels like a drug. I'm two years sober..yesterday. Sober from loving you, and being hurt by you. Being used by you, and betrayed by you. From you ignoring me, to making me the happiest person around. Funny...that happiness is nothing but something from the past. A happy I don't even know really existed. Too happy if you ask me. Obviously I saw the real you afterwards, I know your flaws, I know your lies and I know who you truly are. I know that I could have made you the happiest guy ever, and we could of had such a happy life together. My life was ruled by you. You kept me lingering on your every word... wondering when the next time you we're going to come into my life again. Somehow you took a piece of my heart I will never get back. Looking into the past just hurts, and I don't remember my life being happy back then. I was alone even when I had everybody by my side. I still think of you from time to time, but you no longer control my heart. I keep my distance...but forever will i believe we could have been everything.


listening too: Linger by the cranberries

Revised

I have built so much. Learned so much..and felt completely alone through most of every problem I've had. I don't know what to do. It's like climbing a mountain millions of miles high, and realizing you forgot something at the bottom and you wonder if going back is really worth it. So I'm making a pro's and con's list.


Stay with Andrew                                                   Leave Andrew
----------------------                                         ------------------------
For Kaylin                                                          Move back in with mom/less bills
Being alone                                                         Less fighting
Missing the good moments we have                     Could focus on school
His Family that I've come to love                         Kaylin wouldn't see us fight
Losing my best friend                                           He hasn't looked for a job
For our family                                                     We are struggling with money
I won't be heart broken                                       He wouldn't make fun of me
                                                                           I wouldn't have to worry about buying cigarettes
                                                                           I could save money easier




The answer is obvious..
                                                                                  

I'm not afraid to walk alone...

I could leave. Would it be better? Maybe I should come up with reasons to stay..and reasons to go. I don't know what to do...

Sleeping with the Enemy

Why am I always the bad guy? do I leave or do I stay............

Whoeveryouare.

Sometimes I think of you, and I close my eyes to a summer night breeze blowing through my hair. Your warm body up close next to mine. Your smell is intoxicating, and being with you makes me feel safe. It makes me feel full of love and happiness. I don't need to try to be happy, or even decide where to go from where, because when I think of you, I am exactly where I need to be. I dream of you sometimes. I feel your warm skin through your shirt and I smell your sweet cologne, a smell I've never smelled, but something the makes me feel safe and loved. You hold my hand, and you want me to be involved in everything you do. You tower over me and guard me from danger. You protect me like you are guarding the most precious thing in your world. I am so happy in these dreams, I just see myself smiling.
Of course you don't exist in my life right now, or even in this universe. And when I dream of you, you either have no face or I never remember. You make me happy, you show me not to worry, and to be happy with everything. To work for what I want, but be happy with what I have. You hold me and guide me in the right direction, I don't even need to tell you. You know my fears, my insecurities, but you make them a beauty the shines within myself. Maybe this is God, maybe this is my future, or maybe this is just a dream. I want this, and do I believe it's out there? Not really. But every time I dream of you, waking up breaks my heart, as if I lost a part of me. I get these dreams once in awhile, but very far in between. I crave these dreams, and sometimes I try to go back to sleep just so I can feel that way again. Of course it never happens. I don't get it back. It kills me to see the life I live now, and dream of the perfectness of being happy. I don't need a million dollars, or fancy things. I want this happiness. Although having my daughter brings me happiness, it's a different kind. I don't know if I will ever be happy like this though. I don't even know if I am in love or if I am just afraid of being alone. All I know is, this isn't love I am living right now. This isn't how a relationship should be. Have I felt happy at all? Possibly. So where do I go from here, and when will I meet the man with no face? Someday I hope to live the life I dream.

Checking up.

I feel horrible. Maybe it was the 8 servings of mashed potatoes I just consumed, or the fact my mind is screaming failure inside my head. I want to go back in my life and think things through, get finished with school before children, and maybe reconsider my life with Andrew. I have been happy, completely in love with him, and then I'm screaming to get out. I look at myself and think, if I had just been strong enough to leave him when I had the chance where would life be right now? Big downfall...I wouldn't have Kaylin. Thinking about not having her makes my heart drop, but I wouldn't of had her to begin with, so I wouldn't of felt that way. Anyway I can't go back, and now I have an extra appendage to take care of, and I have to give her everything. Should I leave him? Go out and live my life and try to make it alone? Or should we stay together, sparing our daughter's happiness, and letting go of mine. Her's is way more worth it, but the fighting sometimes gets carried away right in front of her, and I remember way back when that the same fighting Andrew and I do, ruined my perception of my parents. So what do I do? Live with mom and possibly leave everything I have built so far? Even if it's just a rock pile? I wish God would give me the strength to do what's right. Even when I know in my mind what really is right for me. decisions decisions decisions..

Safe&Sound

How do I feel today?
A little sore, a little content, a little scared, but I am happy.
I want this new job but I know it's going to be hard. Yes the money will benefit our lives a little more than it is now, but it will be very gruesome, and crazy hard work. I want a good life, and I am tired of struggling just to make ends meet. I've always been one of those people that step up at the last minute. I am ready for this, and I want to make money for my baby, and for me and Andrew to be happy together. It breaks my heart to think about ever wanting to leave Andrew, but sometimes it gets hard. Is it because of the money or him and I working opposite of each other? It's hard, but life is always hard. We all have different problems, we all suffer through different things. I was in the hospital the other day and this woman told me everything that happened in her life. but she was happy besides the fact. Anyway, I believe if she can go through all of that and still believe that God is going to come through, and is blessing her, than that's what I need to do. I need to know that God is here, and he will make sure everything is okay. The bills will get paid, our lives will be calm and happy. Most of all, Kaylin will soar and blossom into a beautiful young girl. If I can give her a good life, and be her mentor and her friend and her mother, than I will know I've succeeded.

I'm having a hard time with everything

So this blog is for me, when I'm up, when I'm down..and anything in between. Right now being mommy is the best thing to life. I know she loves me for who I am and what I look like, she doesn't judge. On the other hand my head does. I was doing so good with my working out, I was going 4 times a week even, alternating zumba, running in the park, going to the gym and rewarding myself with some hot tub time. All of this has vanished since Julie went back to New York. I feel again like a failure. I have no one to motivate me and on top of everything, I don't have a car to myself, so when Andrew is working I have to stay at home. Now Bill is home at night, so I can go out then and run, but who isn't afraid of lose dogs and strange people? Plus I am like the only one who runs in this entire addition so I feel like everyone stares at me. When I get into that run that the pain is gone and I can keep going, it feels so good! I miss it! Although now I am just eating whatever I want and doing whatever I want, and I feel like I just wasted all of that time. I still want to work on my weight, but I never get that motivation to do so. Now it's like everything is coming up. Starting nursing school and going places with Kaylin, or my dad writing me and completely depressing my mood, or Andrew's mom who isn't all there. Plus I'm tired, and moody. I don't wanna do this by myself. I need to, but I don't want to. Who wants to diet? Anyway, I thought I would put where I'm at right now. I hope my next post will be positive news

Losing the battle

I am deliberately exhausted. I am without a doubt lost when it comes to my daughter. How do moms do this without yelling, screaming or pulling their hair out? I love her, I want her to act right. I want her to listen to me, but everything I say to her just makes her cry. Saying no "kinda" works..and I use that word lightly. She stops after I say no a few times, but when she wants something that's when the horrible mean little baby comes out. She scratches me and pinches me, she throws herself on the floor kicking and screaming. I ask her what she wants and of course she goes to the freezer and points to the Popsicle . Of course I can't give into her demands, so I simply tell her no and then ignore her sobs and screams. It is taking a toll on me though, I want to break down and give into her, I have a few times and maybe that's what's turned her like this. But now that I am trying to enforce that she can't have one yet, it seems like it never ends. She cries and cries and cries until she finds something else to cry about..I just want to run away and scream. I feel like crying right now and I just put her down. What am I doing wrong? How do I fix this endless battle with her. She's not even two yet and these tantrums I'm afraid will only get worse. These are the days I feel like I made the wrong choice, these are the days I feel like a horrible mom. The days I just want to lay down and do nothing, I just can't handle it, I am so tired and scared because I'm afraid that everything I do is wrong. I need someone to help me..Along with Andrew telling me everything I'm doing wrong, it makes me want to jump off a cliff. I need support, not someone tearing me down. Isn't he supposed to be that someone? I feel so tired..all I want to do is cry and sleep. Blah...tell me it gets better...

Easy come..easy go

So step one of the things I have yet to nail down as being a parent, that it is a whole lot harder to control you're emotions when you have a one year old who wants things done HER way.
My heart is forced to give in to that little "I'm not really crying" face, and when she see's how I am slightly about to give in, she brings it on, screaming and hitting, running around. Truthfully I kinda lost it, I had to put her in bed for a second to regain myself. This is the first time since she was a newborn that it has put me under this much stress, I was literally pulling my hair out to keep myself from screaming.
...She wants to be outside 24/7, so if I can get her to just watch t.v while I make her lunch, for just 5 minutes, before she comes in crying about not being outside, then I'm having a good day. 
She has come to love going into our bathroom and taking out every single clean wash rag I have and throwing it in the bathtub, along with the razor I had left out the previous night to shave my legs, and just when I hand her a pickle later that day, blood is running down that precious little finger. I about had a heart attack running around like a mad woman as if she had broken a bone, I felt clueless. Like I didn't even know that common sense was telling me to grab antiseptic and a band-aid. I started chasing after her with the broom after she threw her cereal from breakfast all over the kitchen floor, I picked her up to put her in the living room for a second and she comes in with two fountain cup lids on her feet sliding around like she's ice skating, of course that ends in a fall, she falls down at least 30 times daily, if not more, they all follow with tears.  After I put the band-aid on her finger, I notice that it is too big, so I do it in a way I kinda knew she would pick at, but somehow brilliant me thought that maybe she would keep it on and like it..yea.. I ended up taking it off after an hour or two, after the bleeding had stopped and the ointment had kicked in.
I tried to trick her to go outside with my laptop and write the novel I have been working on, hoping she would be running around enough so that I could finish my first chapter. Once I sat down, she pretty much cried the whole time because I had the laptop in the first place and preceded to pull on my arm , and I have no idea who could resist the face she gave me, so of course I gave in.
Now.... I try to keep my boundaries, and I do know how to say no. I'm not that out of it... and for the most part she knows a few things she shouldn't do. I did well with the whole " you can't go in the street" thing, which after getting her play time interrupted by going inside a few times, she finally figured it was better to listen to mommy. When I tell her no, she may ask again or maybe twice, but after she has heard the no no no, she figures it's useless and moves on to the next thing she can get into. She is truly a smart child, she thinks she is starting to figure me out, but ohhh if she only knew.
I will get this down, it may take a few more toddler books, and a couple of intense therapy sessions with my good friend or maybe my counselor. But god help me, I am determined to show her everything I know and even everything I don't know, to trust her and to guide her, but to me, as long as she knows how much me and her daddy love her and she can love us back just as much and look up to who we were as her parents, than that's when we will know that we've done our job good. :) ..much love.

You're exhausted mommy<3

Easter.

Oh the joys of raising such an amazing little girl! She really brings out who I am, and seeing her shows me how much I can and want to be.
So Easter. First of all, don't go shopping at the last minute, and expecially don't ever go shopping with Andrew looking for Gift stuff. He complained the whole time how I look at each and every thing, and then while I was still trying to keep a budget, he criticized me of how much I spent when he threw in a few items himself.
Plus the lady didn't give me the sale price and charged me for full price. Let's just say I wasn't happy after I saw that receipt.
anyways .. I did manage to get Kaylin in her dress and I got two videos of that lovely smile while she found eggs and pulled them a part, not even wanting the yogurt melts and chocolate inside. She is so different, she surprises me with everything, not just the way she acts, but the way she does something. Like instead of eating the icing off a cookie, she will start taking out the chocolate chips inside the cookie, eat them, then poke at the icing and then eat the rest of the cookie. Just an example, but it makes me laugh. I love seeing the way she is starting to say a lot more words, hearing that little voice say uncle Aj and pickle or ( cule cule?) , makes me feel good inside. Like "yes! I'm still doing okay! she is a happy girl, she is healthy, and I am somewhat doing okay as a mom." that makes me feel better. Having people say how good she is, and what a happy girl she is, makes me know I am doing something right.
Now here comes the bad, Obviously Andrew and I are completely different. While I believe that she is fully capable of eating a combo, Andrew believes she is way to young and she can't eat that much, and that she will choke. I do believe it could happen, but that could happen if she eats a grape, or cracker too. I feel like he under estimates my parenting a crap load. It hurts me pretty bad, I am around her almost all of the time, I am usually always the one feeding her, bathing her and playing with her, so why does he feel like his words always matter. I am old enough, and mature enough to figure out what is good and bad for her, I have grown up so much and I'm starting to see who I am, and what I need to get done, so why does he treat me like I am such a kid at this? 21 isn't that young. We had a neighbor come over to play with chalk with Kaylin, she is 10. She told me I am young, she even asked me what high school I went too. Oh boy, now that made me feel crappy. Yes I am young, I do believe that. Too young for a kid, but now days, that's what happens. I have never been the partying type, I've always just wanted to be in a relationship and get my life together, I've never really been young. Anyways..my point is, I don't want to be older, but I wish people would treat me the way and age that I am. I am reliable, I am confident in what I'm going to accomplish. I am not a child, teenager anymore..I've been an adult a long time, I still have a lot to learn, but knowing that and accepting I have flaws makes me more grown up. I know life now, I know how to survive. I just wish people would treat me like that.
So here are some of the pictures I got of her, she is getting so big and so beautiful, it really makes me miss my little baby, but seeing who she is and who she is growing up to be is amazing, bittersweet life <3

Growing up..but how?

I want to be an amazing mommy. Not only amazing, but smart, and I want to be able to show Kaylin the right way to do something. I feel like every time I look at the person I want to be, I feel so far away. Am I only caring about myself, I don't feel like I am, but as I read my blog I see that everything has been about me.
I spend every minute I can with this little girl, but yet I haven't written about her in ages. What is wrong with me?

So Easter...hmm. well I work, which wasn't my plan at all. I dream of an Easter where we can cookout, Kaylin can play with sidewalk chalk and other girls her age, while we have friends over. Yes that is the dream..but there are no such "friends". I thought I had friends one time, but I guess as you get older and more mature, you realize that you don't have as much in common as you believed you did. So there is me and my daughter. I learn from her everyday. She makes me laugh, and she is growing so fast. I feel like I look away and she is another inch tall.
Blonder hair is starting to come in more, and her smile is so contagious. I can't help but fall helpless as she shoots me a grin when she does something she shouldn't be doing. I love this though! I love that I can be a mom and be with her as much as I am. I feel like she is a part of me, as if she never left my tummy. I feel like I know her like nobody else does, and that even a few hours without her turns my tummy crashing down like a roller coaster. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
                 So for Easter I think me and Andrew will hopefully do an Easter egg hunt, cookout for ourselves, and just enjoy the company of our family. Where ever our family goes, or who ever we meet, I am just glad to say that I have them. I hope to get a bunch of Easter pictures Saturday..I just can't wait to see who I turn out to be, and who I have Kaylin grow up to be.

One day I just want to live my life without always wondering what you're doing, or how you handle your life. I just want happiness..i want drive and momentom..most of all i want love

I didn't need you then, I don't need you now.

Oh boy...where to begin. I don't know why I'm feeling this way. Why why why why why???
It's like my head is eternaly fixated on him. Am I going to see him, what if that's his car, what if he sees me and I look this way, what if, who's he going to be with, does he think about me. Why do I think this? WHY? I don't care about him..i seriously dont..atleast i don't think I do. Then why does it bother me that on our birthday...he doesnt even wish me a happy birthday? Why is it that i felt so let down because I didnt see him at the club the other night? Why do i feel this way? Why is god letting me go throug this misery? For a man that means absolutly nothing to me? Why? That's what I don't get. I dont love him, I dont care for him..i dont even think he's attractive anymore...but yet my head goes through all of these emotions and thoughts and everything. it all leads to him...i always wonder if he will be there...of course he isnt even concerned with my life anymore. he could possibly not even care less. So why do i? I love Andrew..Andrew is the most amazing man in my life..i want to marry him..but I can't marry him if i can't get evan out of my head. I need to talk to A counsiler or something because I don't even think I can help myself. Something is seriously wrong with me...something. I don't know what to do..i just don't want to think about him anymore...just stop wondering all the fucking time whether or not hes thinking of me or wondering if ill see him or if he will ever talk to me...oh fucking well. who cares?? why do i care? god please help me.

love

So usually I write if I'm in a bad mood or if something dramatic happens. but this time, I figured i'd write because I am so freaking happy. I love Andrew so much. my heart feels warm and happy. I want to marry him and be with him forever. forever seems like an eternity but this is how i feel. I know we fight..and somehow it makes me mad enough to want to quit sometimes. but now i realize that ive just been wanting out because i was trying to run away. there are millions of people ..younger people who divorce, maybe someone cheated, maybe someone doesn't love the other, but all in all they don't try. You marry someone and you love them, if you didn't love them then why get married. if you think it for once, and feel it...then you can work it out. there have been millions of times where ive believed that i deserved better, or ive dreamed of something better, but working everything out, and talking through it all made us so much stronger. ive learned about him, and ive seen him at a low and seen him at his best. i love this man more than anything..losing him would break my soul. i love the daughter he gave me and yes...yes i want to be with him! forever! so this is how i feel...this is how i always feel when i think about it. i admit i have our bad times but i thank god for letting us love eachother and letting us become the best friend we've never had. now its a different feeling, like im happy....and now i want drama and i want to mess with everything. i just want this life to be exciting and meaningful and amazing. im ready for my life to begin!

So every summer i go to my aunt and uncles house, for a week or two. It's usually fun and nice and relaxing but now this year I brought kaylin and Andrew and now after all of these months, she is complainging about how messy and smelly we were. How we didn't help pay for anything. How i didnt help cleaning up or with the party that they had. I swear okay having a little baby and doing all of that is a big job. This isn't true though. I cut all of the vegtables, and made a dish. I helped her every way that I could, after every meal I got up and helped do dishes. I know I wasn't too clean with my room and I know they did buy everything, but she is making it sound like I am the biggest pig in the whole world. I don't know if she doesn't remember or something but I did try to help. If it was bothering her that bad, then why didnt she pull me to the side and ask me to help clean up more or to pay for something. You know it just hurts me that they don't even understand what's it's like to be us. We went there for a vacation, and they live i a 300,000 dollar house. I live in a trailor. I live pay check to pay check..it was hard just being able to afford the gas down there. I mean i feel awful because I love her to death but damn, that was so mean. I just don't know how to freaking put it. I don't want to tell her this but damn she just really hurt my feelings.

Time out

I am very upset with myself on how I handle kaylin sometimes. Like tonight, I have just worked three days straight working non stop..and i come home and immediatly have to hold her, play with her, by which i am certainly not complaining at all. she will only be this age once, i just wish we had a car so we could get out of the house. I feel like when she gets frustrated, i get frustrated, and it just scares me that I'm going to be mean to her. I have to calm down, and just wait for her to stop crying, and then go on to the next thing. but now , like today, i just got so upset i just put her to bed an hour early. Now i feel completely horrible about it. She fell asleep in like 2 minutes, but the fact that i just throw her in bed when i get irritated? Thats not good. these are the days i feel like an awful mother. i just wish i could fix who i am sometimes..i know im tired but i dont feel like its all that great of an excuse. i cant blame her for me being tired..thats not her fault. i love her so much..i dont want to be that kind of mom. blahh =(

Threes a crowd?

I just keep seem to mess things up, once I finally start something good, a life I can appreciate and actually like who I am, I go and try to correct the other stuff. I try to write my last two remaining friends and tell them how much they don't invite me to anything, and how bad I want them to hang out with me again. So now one of them, the one I was really pointing the finger at is so mad at me, and I wasn't trying to blame her for anything. I was just trying to tell her. Everytime I would try to make plans with her, she would end up inviting someone else, or she would tell me she's busy the whole week. I've been trying and trying to tell her this face to face but I just couldn't get the time, or the right moment. So I sent them a message on facebook, just telling them how much it hurts me that they won't even ask me to hang out when they are both doing something. I was like do they not like me? or what the hell am i doing wrong, that makes them not want to atleast ask me to join them. Anyways, she's mad. Very mad. I really should just let go, let it all go. I have a family, and well a family. That should be it. Women arn't really supposed to have friends outside of their relationships are they? They should just stay home, cook, clean, work, take care of their babies, and ciest to exist. right? I don't know. I just hate losing a good friend, she and I were so close, we had so much. Now I feel replaced. I've excepted that because in literal terms I kinda replaced her with my boyfriend and my daughter, but I've always..ALWAYS made time for her. I always let her know when I was free. I ask her to go do things when I see her, and I make sure I atleast write her on holidays. I thought long about this letter, and after I sent it the only thing I wanted to do was delete everything and just try to hang out with them when they had time. I tried to put my feelings aside for so long, more than a year now. I just don't know what to do, or say. She always switches the blame. She shouldn't be mad at me, I didn't tell her I was mad. I just told her I wanted to hang out with them more. I wanted it to be more of a team instead of it just being them two. I guess I've managed to mess things up. We shouldn't even be friends, I don't think I even know how to have a "girl" friend. I just know I'll end up regretting this, I'll regret not having friends when my wedding comes. Or when I get old. I'll regret not trying. So maybe that's why I'm making this a big deal. Maybe this is why I mess up my fairytale to have it be a happily ever after kinda thing.