Home.

Sometimes I just want to go home. Not home home in the general setting..but home, back to grandma and grandpas house. The walls filled with warmth, and love. Knowing that the bad of the world was outside those walls, and couldn't get you from inside. I remember being 8 or so-ish, and my dad was coming to pick me up from grandma and grandpas..just because he didn't want me over there. I felt like my world was ending.. I was being taken away from the people who really cared, who really showed me love. He came to the door, and my Aunt Erica was standing beside me. I felt protected, like if he got mad at me for anything, she had my back. It's all pretty blurry, but I remember when he showed up. My heart was in a million pieces, I didn't wanna go back to that house. I didn't want to be with him. He came to the door and I started to scream as he dragged me from the door frame. Erica got up in his face and yelled at him to leave and keep me here. If I wanted to be here instead of at mom's, then it was my decision. He wasn't having that and the fighting began. I didn't want them to fight, so unagreeably I let go of my aunt and followed my dad to his car. He told me to give him a kiss and once he turned around I spit, he came over and slapped me as hard as could be. "Don't you ever spit off my kisses, I am your father and you will respect me!" I cried so hard that day, and that was the day I chose my side. I was never going to love him..I was never going to believe he was really my father. I've never felt "at home" with my mom or dad. Home was with Grandma and Grandpa. Where dinner was ready all the time, I didn't have to worry about bills, or food, or cleaning the house. I could live my life, and be the person I wanted to be. I could play with games, and watch tv. Things I could never do at home. Even when child protective services came over to moms, In the back of my head I always wished they could see that at the last minute we hurried to pick up the dump of a house. The fact that mom and dad fought all of the time, or the fact that that night our electricity was scheduled to be shut off, or even that if that lady had looked in our fridge or cabinets, there was nothing there. As far as I'm concerned..Any family is going to hide for cps. It's known...but I never gave up hope that maybe someday we would all be sent to live with grandma and grandpa. Anyway..my point is..my heart was at my grandparents home. I loved it there, and today it still tears my heart apart to know that its not there. Theres a huge empty hole in my heart that the love used to fill when I went there. I was in my happy place. I was in a place where no one yelled, no one was unhappy. Grandma was always around for comfort, and Grandpa always gave me that "I know what your up to" kinda smile. I think that is what depresses me the most. Not being able to go there, walk through those doors and see that living room. Or go into my old bedroom and feel the freshly made bed. Or go and play in the basement. Grandma and Grandpa are getting older, and they are forgetting. They still smile at me and love me just the same, but the friends I had are slowly dieing...and I have to rediscover who I am alone. I have to do this all alone, when back in the day, every problem I had was fixed with them. I could go to them about anything...and now its just hard. I feel so sick to my stomach when I think of the good ol days. The days of sledding at the hill and going to play red rover and tag with the neighborhood. Life was good..and I never thought it was going to end. But it did. Christmases are so blank now, and I try to fill them up by having them at my own home, but its not the same. Nothing will ever replace that house. Nothing will ever make me feel better about growing up. I choose to do it as fast as I did...so here are my consequences. I feel so low to have grown up so fast...I would do anything to take it all back and start a new. Life means so little now...except for Kaylin..thats the only happiness I get. I still wish I could give her what grandpa and grandma gave me... a little bit of home.