Saturday, September 28, 2013

My addiction.

I was addicted once. Where going to his home was something I'd fight myself over, emotionally. I'd fight my mind to the death, tell myself it was the last time, and a few weeks later I'd catch myself slipping out of my bedroom window...blocking out the consequences with my music. Just one more time. I'd say to myself. One more time will help me get over him, one more time will make me all better. I was sick though, I did it because after it was over..the numbness would flood my heart. Then the following day would come, and I hated myself even more. It was like I blocked out the reasons, and went with what would make me feel better. That's all I wanted, to feel better. I Know sometimes I don't know what I feel. I catch glimpses of love that is so over whelming, I have blocked out so much life, now that it comes times to actually live it..my memory is tarnished forever. I do love...but I can't feel anymore. I can't be happy. I have known for so long. Why? Why can't I feel anything? I love so much...I love my daughter...I love Andrew...but I don't love myself. Weddings, birthdays, holidays...it's like I'm an empty shell. Standing there with a smile on my face... I feel nothing. So I live my life... losing every memory as they go. What will it take to feel something?...Anything?

The other day I turned on the radio..to christian music, and automatically my heart is flooded with emotion...with love...with guidance. So many times people have asked me why I believe in God...how I can believe in something that they say has the world in chaos? Because...through God...I can feel again. I can feel happy..I can feel my life is worth living. That the sunshine feels good on my shoulders. That Kaylins smile..and laughter is worth so much...that happiness is there. I finally see the love through the holidays..I can smile..and actually feel it. I lost so much of my life, and sometimes my memory takes me back to those times...often. God reminds me..he is with me. Two days ago...I turned on the radio...and went to the mirror, and my cross glistened in the light... just a glimpse. But it reminded me that God is here..he will always be here, and when I feel the emptyness..when I feel like a shell of a person...I remember who makes me whole everyday. And that's all I need.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

real friend?

Real friends....please tell me what a real friend is, because it's hard to even name one. Am I even a real friend? I know I cancel out on people sometimes, I know I don't always wanna do the fun thing, or go out, or party, or laugh at stupid things. My best friend, is my boyfriend, and my daughter. Why? Because they are the only real people in my life. The only people who say the truth, who love me on my bad days, and for who I am and what I love to do. I have to give up sooner or later on her...It still hurts, just enough for it to bother me when she fails out on me. Or when I see she's online, but doesn't respond to my message until days later. The only person she is hurting..is herself. I can not do this anymore.


Kayleigh,
I don't want this to be difficult. Cause it's not really. Not anymore anyway. Back in the day, when things would get canceled, it hurt me a lot. When I wasn't invited to things, when I got left out of your life, yea..it hurt a whole lot. This past year I have grown to find out who I am. I'm still me, I'm still Amanda, or Manda, or Mandi, I still love to have fun, I love people, and still trust people. I forgive easily, and don't stay mad long. I trust way to easily, and wear my heart on my shoulder. It's not me who's not tried, or who's not trying. It's you. You know that...I know that... and you know...it's finally okay with me. It was fine a few months ago, before kaylins birthday, I wasn't going to invite you. Not because I hate you or have anything against you, but because you let us ..let go of eachother. When you wrote that thing...I was like ..maybe she's finally realized that she needs me. Cause no matter what Kayleigh..I'll always want you in my life. I'll always need that spot that you left, but i realize that I don't need it. People walk in..and people walk out, in my life, that's normal. I am happy though. I have friends..I have a guy who loves me for me, who is the friend that is there, I have an amazing daughter...who is more than enough for me. All of those years in highschool..I was so lost. I didn't know me, I hated who I thought I was, I hated my life because it wasn't what "normal" was. As a get older, I realize that none of that matters. Life is what we make of it, and I have time, and the motivation to create it. What I mean is..it's okay for you to move on. It's okay to leave me in your past, you made an impact on my life, you made me come to terms with myself. I guess you could say " I faced my demons" ...Now I'm on the right track, and I'm okay. I don't hurt anymore. I don't depend on anyone but Andrew and myself. I love my life..I love the possibilities, I love what God has given me. I hope you do too, I hope you find whatever it is that keeps you going. That makes you come to terms with your life. Not just a man...but the sole purpose for what you want to live for. I love you...I will always and forever keep your memories with me. You helped me grow and learn so much, There is not enough thanks in the world to thank you for all that you've done for me. I wish you the best, and who knows..maybe some day our lives will cross paths again...and our friendship can find it's way, but for now...I'll be fine with being a memory.

Monday, September 23, 2013

today.

So just for the record..I feel very good today. At first I didn't, my back still hurts, but it's tolerable. I had a migrane..but with the help of some powerful meds, and a day off from being mom and having priorities for a moment..it was nice, and it was what I very much needed. My body has let me down so much, it's nice to finally have a moment where I can be the mommy I want to be when she got home from daycare. I fed her a healthy meal, i gave her a bath(without screaming), brushed her teeth, and shes laying on the couch watching tangled. I also did the dishes, cleaned all the bedding, made her bed, folded all the clothes, and i may even fix andrew dinner when he gets home...why can't i be like this every day? Maybe if I didn't also have a full time job, it may be like this more often...but can I just say thank you God for making this day good..and making me feel this good about being mom/wife/ and actually appreciating my life. :)

Thank you. It was very much needed.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

chapter?

I woke up that morning, and before my mind was fully awake, I felt fine. No sooner had I sat up, memories of last night flooded my body. My body convulsed and tears seeped out of my eyes. Warm tears that I felt had never stopped, my eyes felt so tired, I felt tired, but today was a big day, and I had to get ready for school. I managed to get to the mirror, the image of a girl I didn't want to see. Her eyes were dead, as dead as her soul felt. I picked up my foundation and dabbed at the skin under my eye lid, but no matter how much I applied, the darkness under them still remained. You have to do this I eyed myself in the mirror, feeling an explosion in my chest I dropped my head to the sink. After a few minutes of what seemed like endless tears, I pulled my head up, and started to apply the rest of my make-up, knowing it would be useless to put on any eye liner, I pulled up half of my hair into a pony tail and brushed the remaining. I pulled my straightener through it a few times, I knew he would be there, so I had to look like I was okay, no matter how much it was killing me to do so. As fast as I could I grabbed my ear phones and my mp3 player along with my books and headed out of my room. I wanted to avoid everyone I could so I quickly put the buds in my ears and headed towards the front door. "Are you okay" my mom stood at the top of the stairs, but I pretended not to hear her and turned up the volume as loud as I could bear it. It's not like the music I was listening to was the least bit cheer full, but listening to people who felt like I felt, warmed my heart, just a little. I ignored the fact that Evan and I had just walked this way to the bus last week, I ignored the screaming in my head that he would never hold my hand again. That I would never be his...it was too much, but I wiped the tear trying to escape my eye and held it back and continued the three block walk to the bus stop. I can do this...I can do this... I looked up to the light blue cloudless sky..God please let me get through this day..let me feel numb..let him not be there. I promised myself, that I would not let him see me cry, I would not let him see that this was tearing me apart. I looked in the distance to see only the usual people at the bus stop. Thank you...I said to the sky. I gave a slight sigh of relief and walked over to Kayleigh. I turned down the volume and gave her a tiny smile. "I'm very surprised to see you Manda..I didn't think you'd be able to do today." She said to me while I pulled an ear phone out of one of my ears. I turned to see her apologetic eyes staring at me, and I tried to say something back but my voice didn't come, I nodded as tears started to fall. " Don't let him do this to you Manda, you're stronger than this." The bus turned the corner at that moment " I'll be okay" I took in a deep breath of the chilled October air as we all formed a line. I stepped onto the bus without looking up. I didn't want to see anyone, nor did I want to feel anything from anyone at that moment. Evan would be at the next stop if he decided to come to school, I took a seat next to the window and turned up my music and looked outside. There was no way I could see him get on the bus, nor did I want to remember that he wasn't going to be sitting by me. As the bus pulled to the next stop, I had to physically keep my head staring out that window, but my heart wanted so bad to just see him, search his eyes for some reasoning. I turned down the volume but kept my head still, my mind counting the number of people walking onto the bus. One...Two...Three..Four...Maybe he wasn't...Five.  My heart stopped as a bolt of pain rocked my being...he was there. Tears came out of my eyes, and I let them, but I remained statuesque out the window. I felt Kayleigh squeeze my arm, but I didn't care, the damage was already starting, I turned back up the sound until I couldn't feel anything at all. Jojo "Leave Get Out." was just finishing, I pressed repeat.  As soon as I saw the school in view I instantly regretted coming. I knew I could have skipped it, but I had to face reality, and I knew being home alone all day inside my head would have been a very bad idea. Quickly the doors opened and Kayleigh and I got off as soon possible, I walked as fast as my legs would take me to the front door.  "Slow down, he's not even off the bus yet." I slowed my pace "sorry, I just uh.. don't want to see him" a shadow of a sad smile showed on her face "I know", I knew how much this was killing her, but I was hurting to bad to give her a smile back.
The rest of that day hadn't gone any good at all, remembrances of Evan played everywhere. Where he would drop me off for French class and kiss me, meet me before economics to exchange notes and where he would meet me before astronomy right after lunch I would make sure to have a piece of gum every time, something I looked forward to. I kept thinking about why he had walked away from something that had felt so perfect, but than I remembered everything I had found on his Myspace yesterday, and yet wondered what made her so much better than me? Why didn't he have enough guts to tell me only hours earlier, could I have taken it any better then? I felt like a ghost in all of my classes, and at lunch, every single one of my friends had found out by Andi, so they hadn't even bothered to ask why I didn't eat or notice when I put my earphones in to listen to music. In choir, I laid down on the back of the risers, and didn't respond when Mrs. Walsh asked what was wrong with me. Andrea had my back though, and they soon all started to sing the ballad for the competition show that was beginning to start. At least that would be something to look forward to. I remembered the time he came with me to practice, I tried so hard to impress him, as well as a few other girls who needed to be put in their place. He only had eyes for me though, maybe he never loved me? When music was over, Alishia came over and sat next to me, I looked up at her with blurry vision. "Are you okay?" a stupid question to ask but I knew she was just worried. I nodded and turned my head back to the my arm. I remembered the look on Evan's face when we got on the bus that evening. I couldn't find him anywhere that day, he hadn't met with me at any of the usual spots, and I was so upset with him. When I got on the bus, I immediatly sat next to Kayleigh, something I hadn't done in the two months we had started dating. To my surprise, Evan got on to the bus shortly after instead of being there rather early like usual. He looked ahead but as soon as he saw me he took a seat right behind mine. I ignored him. "I wish my girfriend would stop ignoring me" I couldn't help but force a smile. I turned around to face him, "where were you all day?" "Sorry boo, I walked with some other friends today" there was something in his eyes that made me feel uneasy, I knew there was something he wasn't saying, but I quickly ignored it as he shot me a sly smile. He kissed my hand and everything was forgiven. On the walk home, I felt the same feeling, like he was there, holding my hand but not there in spirit. When we got to my house, he didn't just come in like he usually did. "You coming?" he looked up and started walking towards my front door. I took him up to our spare bedroom and undressed, thinking that would make all of this weirdness go away. As we were having sex, his heart wasn't in it, and as soon as he finished, he gave me a kiss on my lips and left. I ignored everything, I ignored the fact he wasn't being Evan, and to that moment, a cry escaped my mouth and my friends swarmed my side. I felt a hand move on my back, and soon the bell to go home, rang. I took off my earphones and gathered up my books. I felt the imprint of a mark on my face and I ran into the bathroom directly outside of the choir room. Why hadn't I seen all of the signs he was trying to show me, I just ignored my gut feeling, and never saw it coming. Why didn't he just tell me, not go off with her? I looked at the figure in the mirror, red eyes, pale face, hair a mess. I smoothed out the loose strands and splashed my face with ice cold water. I didn't notice Andrea was staring right at me.         " Come on babe" she outstreched her hand. I grabbed her hand and squeezed. "Jen told me during gym he was bragging about himself, and didn't even look sad, so Jen told him that the only thing he could brag about was breaking hearts. He's an ass Mandi, he doesn't deserve you." My heart was aching " I really don't want to talk about him right now, not when my mind was on an Evan autobiography. Everyone was dying to reach me, to wake me up from wherever I was, but no matter what they did, I felt like everything inside me was dead. I met Kayleigh at the end of the hall and said my goodbyes to Andi. Kayleigh started to talk about how she saw Evan talking to Kara that day, and I had to block out the words "Kara" from my mind. "Yea" I looked straight ahead, clutching my books tighter to the pain exploding in my chest. I felt so dizzy, my eyes started to water, and I kept asking myself what was it about her, that was better than me? We walked on the bus, Kayleigh looked at me " Okay, go inside and get ready , Mom and I will be over soon to get you for work." no sooner did she get done talking I looked up to someone kick my seat and looked right into the eyes of Evan. His eyes glimpsed mine and anger clouded his vison as he pushed past everyone in front of him and walked to the back of the bus. Tears came freely, I couldn't stop them, I lowered my head onto the books on my lap. My sobs took ahold of me and I felt Kayleigh put her hand on my back. As soon as my stop came up, I quickly got off the bus and walked home. The air was cool, and helped fight back the hot tears stinging my eyes. I wiped them and walked as fast as I could home. I had to push past the pain, but his eyes burned holes in my heart. It really was over, but the pain and thoughts of him, were just beginning.
     At work I was a wreck, and with everyone asking me what was wrong, made me feel even worse. I knew I had to put on a straight face for my job, but nothing I did took away the memories I kept remembering. As soon as I got home, I had felt better than I had all day, between the walls of my own room, not being looked at with sad eyes. I turned on jojo with my computer and put my face on my pillow, which happened to still hold Evan's sweater. I breathed in his scent, and made myself believe that for just one second that all of this had just been a horrible nightmare, and Evan's Instant message would light up my computer screen with an "I love you"... . He had just told me he loved me right before I found out he was seeing her, why did he say it if he hadn't meant it? Or did he just agree, because he hadn't actually said the words I love you. I got up and walked over to my computer and pulled up Myspace. I didn't want to check his page, but every ounce of my being wanted to see if It still said In a relationship on his relationship status, or if I was still first on his top friends. I saw that nothing had changed except for the song, and my heart eased a little. He wouldn't do that to me right? It was too soon, we had two wonderful months together, he couldn't be that heartless. Then again, I never saw this break up coming. I pulled up our last instant message, his telling me not to come over, that he didn't want to talk. I put Rascal Flatts as my song on my page, and got up to take a shower. I got in, and as soon as the hot water touched my tourchered body, I collapsed to my knees. I sat down and let the water run over my face, tears blending in with the drops of water crashing over me. I plugged the drain and let a bath form, as soon as it was as high as it could go, I pushed myself under so I was fully submerged. I opened my eyes, and for the first time all day, my mind felt clear. I quickly resurfaced, and unplugged the drain. I walked over to my bed, his shirt still on my floor from previous nights. I picked it up and folded it, got dressed and walked around my room collecting everything I had of his, or of our time together. That's when I noticed the bottle of ibprofen laying on the counter, I walked over and poured a handful in my hand. I reached for the glass I used to rinse my mouth with after I brushed my teeth, and filled it halfway with water. I stared at the little red pills in my hand, and just as I was about to put them in my mouth, I lowered my hand and put about ten of them back in the bottle, leaving between fifteen to twenty left. I glanced at the instant message on my computer, cupped my hand and threw them in my mouth, without a thought, I took the cup of water and swallowed the pills. I sat on my bed. My subconcious was staring at me with her mouth wide open, but I quickly swatted her away with my thoughts. I just didn't care anymore, anything, anything I could do to take the pain away, was the anything I was willing to do.


        I laid in bed for hours, my eyes burning for relief. My mind kept going, I couldn't get away from the thoughts, the hurt. The medicine was kicking in, I picked up my mp3 and a hoodie and went outside. I found Keith Urban "You'll think of me" and started walking, I walked until I came to his street. I am not a stalker... my subconscious put her hands on her hips and gave me a wry look. I stared at the stop sign, he would walk me halfway home sometimes and leave me right here at this sign. Tears came again, but I quickly wiped them away and started walking back home.
     

Saturday, September 14, 2013

My thoughts.

I don't always wake up and wish to be in this world. Sometimes I know it would be easier to be up in heaven with God, because I could do so much more I feel, if I was there. There are times I don't want to be a mom, and I wish I could crawl back into bed and ignore the screaming and crying and never wake up. Other times I wish I could do more, I could be there more, and I've never felt happier with my daughter in my arms. Sometimes i feel like my sole purpose in this world is to raise this child up right, and I'll never be happier. I wish I was nicer, I wish I was more organized and put together. I wish I could wake up with a routine, do my hair up nice, put my make up on perfectly. I wish I had the house clean when Andrew gets home, Kaylin all bathed and dinner on the stove. Other times I cry because I want my past, I want my grand parents to be in the next room, in their old home, where happiness was abundant and life was nowhere close to perfect, but I had my safe haven. Sometimes I don't want to be sorry for things I say, and there's quite a bit I have to hold back. Sometimes I look into my patients eyes and feel no ounce of remorse for them, other times I feel like their sadness rests on my heart. Sometimes the pain in my back hurts so bad, no matter what anyone says to me, I just don't care, and I just want to crawl in an empty hospital bed and have someone care for me, worry about me, let me rest! If I could just sleep for a day, or two, or have a few days to be me, to do what I want to do. Absolutly noone that I know, will ever understand how much I just need a break from being a mom. Sometimes I crave it, and mentally I know I really need it. Other times I don't feel like you could pry me from my daughters arms. Most days I hate my family, I hate my past, I hate how I grew up, and who I became. Maybe God knows why I am who I am, but I never will. I'll never know why he put me in a life without a father who could help me grow, without a mother who can support me mentally and physically, or who could bring me up as a respectable person. I don't know why he made me spend most of my childhood raising my handicapped sister, or being mentally and physically abused by my father. Today it seems very little to what some people go through, but I could have been so much better, had I had a little more. Had I have had younger grandparents to atleast be there with me as I grew into an adult. I'm losing them soon, and with my moms mental problems, I don't have many people to turn too. Sometimes I wish people could see that I'm despertaly crying out for help, someone...anyone. I have so much, and have worked with so little, and I don't feel I have came very far. Maybe mentally I'm more aware, but I messed up so much in my past, I feel I will spend forever making up for my mistakes. The mistakes I made because noone told me how to do it right. Not even grandma and grandpa...or maybe I didn't listen. Sometimes I feel so very alone, I forgive to easily...I let people get away with destroying my heart..and letting them right back into my life. I don't understand why I'm here.... I am so lost.