Afraid of working.

I don't know why, ever since I got my new tech job, I've been so afraid of going to work. It's such a good job, and I was completely blessed to get it. I mean I get why I am so afriad, I guess I feel like I don't know as much as everyone else, and the day just takes so much out of me. My back kills by the time I get off and all I want to do when I get off is go to bed, and I work 12 hours tonight and tomorrow..then off three days, work two more days, and off for seven days..and somehow I feel so afraid to go into work. I am afraid because if someone codes, or something happens when I am around, that I may do something wrong. Sometimes I feel like I am in way over my head, and I will never fully learn everything. I need a system, like to write everything down about the day, so I can learn better..but I still dread going into work. I love working with the people, I love the other techs and nurses, but somehow I feel so unprepared for this job, and I have noone really to talk to, in housekeeping..it was my family, and yea i disliked the job, but i didn't mind coming into work. I knew what to do, and the worst possible thing that could of happened to me was maybe being in a room where someone codes...but I wouldn't have to know what to do...but now I have to be fully aware of everything. The patients breathing, and what forms on them, I need to know so much...and I feel like I know nothing. I don't know the names of anything, I have to ask the nurses for everything. I can hardly remember something when someone asks me..I guess I am just not as prepared for this job like I thought I would be. There's so much to do, and sometimes I don't even have time to just sit and chill for a minute without someone looking at me like I'm not doing my job. It's so hard and crazy...and now that the only lady that understood me got fired...the one who had as much to complain about as i did...i feel so alone. like everyone else can do this besides me...i don't know what to do besides pray and wait for my 6 months to come..so i can transfer to another floor that is easier. I know that being on the medical floor is hard because you get every type of patient..and we are constantly full...but gese...why is it so hard for me to grasp onto...am i making this more difficult than it really is? Blah... idk....I keep telling myself it's going to get better as time goes on..but i don't know if I fully believe myself. The good thing is..the days go fast ..really fast. So i don't have time to think about how much I don't know..i just ask for help. I need to pray...God can handle this. He can help me.

Dad

You always ask whether or not I am doing what God wants of me. Am I sinning? Am I faithful to God? Do I believe in God? Of course you always believe the negativity of everything. I'm out doing drugs, I'm living in the street, somehow it's like you believe that because you weren't around, that all of our lives have gone to hell.
        Truthfully, you have no room to talk. We are all sinners, we all do things that we regret. I know, in my heart that you never meant to do to Jessica what everyone believes you did, I believe what mom says. I think you thought it was her that night, and by accident, it happened. It was a mistake, you didn't know. How do I know that? Because out of everything I've gone through with you, out of everything I have come to know all of these years. I've been learning about you, about mom and about God. I've had to go through the memories in my mind, picking about things, why did this happen? What did he mean by this? Why was my dad like the way he was? Why did mom do the things she did? I'm learning, and I feel like I know the truth now. I know your a good person, even if it's taken me years to see it. It has taken me years to forgive you for the childhood that I couldn't have. You sit there in that prison. Maybe you don't know what's going on because I don't write you. Do you think that all of these years I was trying to forgive you? I never knew what to say. I told you I loved you in that courtroom because, you are my father. Whether or not I like it, you are the one who made me. Who gave me life. Would I prefer someone better...yea..I would. But God gave me you. I have to accept that. He does everything for a reason. Reasons I don't understand even..because I don't know why God gave you and mom, Alyssa, because she could have gone to a home that took so much better care of her. Who could afford to raise her into the women she needed to be, but because she is in our family..she is christian. For what she understands of God, she is going to be saved. It took me forever to get that. Why was I your child? Why was I chosen to grow up without a father? Why was I yelled at when things weren't picked up around the house. Why did I suffer when the bills were not paid? Why did I have to learn the hard way through life, wondering why I was suffering because of you and moms mistakes? BECAUSE. it made me strong. It made me believe in a God who forgives. It gave me the most amazing grandparents to show me that life was good, and it could be good. They brought me out of the wreckage. YEA...The ones you blamed everything on? gave me a life you couldn't give me. That tore you down, knowing that we wanted to be there more than we wanted to be home with you, so you lied, and you told me all the lies about them. Them hurting Andrew, about the abuse they did. They never did any of that, they were full of love and kindness. They weren't perfect, but they paid for haircuts, and extra curricular activities so we could live out our dreams. and yet you still blamed them. I would of been living on the streets if it hadn't been for them. God forgives! why didn't you!? God loves! Why didn't you love us enough to want the best for us? even if you couldn't of given it to us yourself. You should have loved them like God loves you!

I admit...I have done things that I am not proud of. I have lived a life that should of been going to hell...but somehow God forgave me for my sin. It took me a long time to forgive myself..but I did. Finally..i surrendered myself to my ever loving God..and I forgave myself. and I forgave you. I forgave you for hurting me when it wasn't my fault. I forgave you for walking around naked through my childhood..the first penis I ever saw was my dad's! I should have never seen that! You abused my mother in front of us kids..yelled at her through the nights so we stayed up and watched you even with school the next morning! We never saw a good relationship because all you could do was argue! You slept while you could have been looking for work! You could of saved money for us to go to college, you could have done so much more than you could have...and you left us without a father...for the rest of my life. I don't even know you anymore...neither do you know me. Because if you did..you wouldn't write me letters saying the things you say. You would trust that you raised me the right way...but you didn't..because you never raised me. I couldn't write you...I couldn't because I was so angry with you. YOU TOOK MY CHILDHOOD AWAY!. You had me digging through garbage bags to find metal for money just so we could eat the next day. You ever hear of Hepatitis or C diff? We could have gotten that from digging through those trash cans...how about pop cans on the side of the road...didn't you ever think of all of the diseases we could have caught? People aren't clean...and we picked up trash from those people! I know this now! back then it was fun because I didn't know what was happening! Was that a good life for us Dad? Was it good seeing you hit my mother in front of us? Or bashing her when she was gone? ......but I forgive you! Because God forgives me! And I hope to God he forgives you!

If you think you are in there..because you touched a girl...your wrong.

You are in there because you ruined the lives of your children. You put us in dangerous situations, bashed the people we love, and had no respect for our futures. As a mom...I now know what not to do as a parent because of you. I will love my child and support her in any way I can. I will work 30 hour days for her because it will better her life that much more. I trust that God has good things going for us..because I believe solely that he can move mountains...

So I pray for you. I pray that you see what your life was..and I pray that you fix who you are. I pray that God lets you remember your past the right way..and I pray that you seek his forgiveness...

I can't promise that when you come out..I will want anything to do with you if you are the man you are today. You are blind to the fact that you think you were a good role model. If you think that shoving my faults in my face..or writing my boyfriend and shoving his faults in his face is ever going to show me that your anything but a hypocrite..then yea..that's true. We aren't perfect..but God made us that way. Kaylin is not your granddaughter because you don't deserve to be called Grandpa. I don't know if you ever will.

I can forgive you..but I will never forget. You changed my life for the better because I have grown so much, I have learned so much. Maybe in the bible it says to use the rod and whip the child...maybe it says to honer your father and mother...but I will never honer a father who accuses me of false pretenses, who thinks my life is condemed because I am unwed and am a mother. Your have many faults..as do I...but I don't need to bring up your past anymore...because I forgive you. 

5 minutes.

I saw you again today..but today was different. You were kind and your smile was breath taking. You looked at me as if you wanted to know more, you wanted more time. It was merely 5 minutes, but I think I fell in love. A little..as anyone could experience love at first sight. I just keep remembering your smile. I wish I had had more time...I've seen you before ..but this time was different. Something clicked...Something about you just made me want to know all about you. Than you told me you were going to be a pastor but also be in the medical field...and i think my heart skipped a beat. Ah that smile! but then I sit there and I think..it could never work. He's probably married, or has 5 children, or something else. This stuff doesn't just happen, but it just doesn't seem like a coincidence. Because right after we talked, I felt something say " see he's a pastor in training".." he would be so much better for you" not those exact words, but like God was answering the questions to my heart. I know that this means something...AND THEN..he came back by me and looked at me and smiled. There has to be something. And I know where to find him...the church i used to go to..sunday..at 530. sigh.... this is nuts. this would never work..i have andrew..and kaylin. Even if it was just 5 minutes...i think his smile changed me for a lifetime. :)

Home.

Sometimes I just want to go home. Not home home in the general setting..but home, back to grandma and grandpas house. The walls filled with warmth, and love. Knowing that the bad of the world was outside those walls, and couldn't get you from inside. I remember being 8 or so-ish, and my dad was coming to pick me up from grandma and grandpas..just because he didn't want me over there. I felt like my world was ending.. I was being taken away from the people who really cared, who really showed me love. He came to the door, and my Aunt Erica was standing beside me. I felt protected, like if he got mad at me for anything, she had my back. It's all pretty blurry, but I remember when he showed up. My heart was in a million pieces, I didn't wanna go back to that house. I didn't want to be with him. He came to the door and I started to scream as he dragged me from the door frame. Erica got up in his face and yelled at him to leave and keep me here. If I wanted to be here instead of at mom's, then it was my decision. He wasn't having that and the fighting began. I didn't want them to fight, so unagreeably I let go of my aunt and followed my dad to his car. He told me to give him a kiss and once he turned around I spit, he came over and slapped me as hard as could be. "Don't you ever spit off my kisses, I am your father and you will respect me!" I cried so hard that day, and that was the day I chose my side. I was never going to love him..I was never going to believe he was really my father. I've never felt "at home" with my mom or dad. Home was with Grandma and Grandpa. Where dinner was ready all the time, I didn't have to worry about bills, or food, or cleaning the house. I could live my life, and be the person I wanted to be. I could play with games, and watch tv. Things I could never do at home. Even when child protective services came over to moms, In the back of my head I always wished they could see that at the last minute we hurried to pick up the dump of a house. The fact that mom and dad fought all of the time, or the fact that that night our electricity was scheduled to be shut off, or even that if that lady had looked in our fridge or cabinets, there was nothing there. As far as I'm concerned..Any family is going to hide for cps. It's known...but I never gave up hope that maybe someday we would all be sent to live with grandma and grandpa. Anyway..my point is..my heart was at my grandparents home. I loved it there, and today it still tears my heart apart to know that its not there. Theres a huge empty hole in my heart that the love used to fill when I went there. I was in my happy place. I was in a place where no one yelled, no one was unhappy. Grandma was always around for comfort, and Grandpa always gave me that "I know what your up to" kinda smile. I think that is what depresses me the most. Not being able to go there, walk through those doors and see that living room. Or go into my old bedroom and feel the freshly made bed. Or go and play in the basement. Grandma and Grandpa are getting older, and they are forgetting. They still smile at me and love me just the same, but the friends I had are slowly dieing...and I have to rediscover who I am alone. I have to do this all alone, when back in the day, every problem I had was fixed with them. I could go to them about anything...and now its just hard. I feel so sick to my stomach when I think of the good ol days. The days of sledding at the hill and going to play red rover and tag with the neighborhood. Life was good..and I never thought it was going to end. But it did. Christmases are so blank now, and I try to fill them up by having them at my own home, but its not the same. Nothing will ever replace that house. Nothing will ever make me feel better about growing up. I choose to do it as fast as I did...so here are my consequences. I feel so low to have grown up so fast...I would do anything to take it all back and start a new. Life means so little now...except for Kaylin..thats the only happiness I get. I still wish I could give her what grandpa and grandma gave me... a little bit of home.

invisible.

You must be blind to not see it. I don't know if you make yourself immune to it, or if you refuse to accept whats going on. Your anger is so out of control sometimes its like a war zone, I can't make it to my battle station fast enough because my heart refuses to accept its really happening. It's like seeing something you don't want to happen, happen. Your heart goes crazy trying to make it stop, but you have no defense. I don't want to fight with you, I don't want us yelling and getting mad. I've laid awake so many nights dreading when this monster is going to come back. I don't see how you don't see the fear in my eyes. I look at relationships and no normal relationship does this. They don't tear each other down when they are mad, they don't do the crap you do. We've gone over and over and over the things you do, the things you say..and its like..woah woah..come down. What's going on..why is this happening? Why are you getting so mad? Why aren't we fixing this instead of getting mad at it. I've tried making excuses for you..or I guess I still am. Why can't you change this? Why does it have to be this way? Why? Cause I love you so much...and its like trying to say the thing you want most is ruining your self being. The thing that makes you smile..is the thing that is tearing you down, and intoxicating you. But its over in an instant...the fighting dies down and you return to normal. Nothing ever happened...

but it did.


And I'm scarred more than ever from it. Because you won't make this better, I don't even think you are physically able to make it better. Because you don't control yourself. When your mad,, your mad. End of story. I just find it so hard to leave...it was 7 days until now..and now we start all over. What am I gonna do next to piss Andrew off? What face will I make to have him throw something and cuss me out until I'm yelling back. What do I do?


A normal girl would be like..fuck this..I'm out.   


....But I guess I'm not normal.

Homeless.

I don't know where life stands right now. Sometimes I can't believe I'm at where I'm at..and then other times I go into shock and can't believe life is what it is. Andrew still doesn't have a job, which you may think, oh well that sounds like him. He's not trying blah blah blah..but on the contrary hes been going to numerous places daily, grabbing temp jobs and making an effort in finding something. I guess our luck sucks right now though because there is nothing. I literally don't know what we are going to do. We are in debt over our heads and we are still trying to say that we can do this. I feel like giving up. We don't even have the gas so that I can work over time. I mean this is bad. I don't know what to do, and i believe we may just find our selves back at my moms. That's how bad this is. Ugh I just ask that God can help us, I'm so tired of suffering.