Hope

I am going to post a new picture of her everytime i write, I have [[ALOT]] of catching up to do!
I never expected motherhood to be easy, but what has really been bugging me, like seriously bugging me. Is that my mother has hardly any role in Kaylins life. She sucks at being a grandma, because she sucked at being a mom. Meanwhile I had the most wonderful grandparents. They are my heros. They saved my life , without them I would be nothing. I mean that with every thing within me.
     Sure when I first had Kaylin, she promised me she would take the week off to help me out, and she did a little bit. Then when Kaylin started on baby food, she wouldnt feed her everytime I had Kay at her house. Then when we would come pick her up, we realized she wasnt changing her diapers, and she wasn't giving her something to drink. The list goes on and on. I hate when I have noone else to watch her, because my mom is just horrible. I think of how much I want for Kaylin and how bad I want to give her the life I couldn't have. I want her to have grandparents who make her scrap books and picture books, and who put money away for her for college. Who support her and love her, who TAKE CARE OF HER. I can never rely on my mom. I can never ever trust her to do what she says. I love her just like i love my dad, just for giving me life..( and not letting me go to foster care or die) but that is it. All other love is gone, it was gone when I was little, when she broke every little childhood dream that I had. Anyways..its so hard having all of that on you when your a mom. not knowing whether your mom is going to feed your daughter, or change her diaper. I have so much on me right now..I am trying to be there for her, trying to get my nursing done. Trying to work at a job that I completely loathe intirely. I wish I could of had the wonderful up bringing that a lot of people had. So many of my friends say that their mom is they're best friend, the things their moms do for them. Just the love, and how their moms tried. They didn't have to succeed, but they did what was right for their family. They have a house, maybe not a big house, but a house, that is well kept, and where they have dinner at the table almost every night. A mom that actually worries about her children, who wants to be a part of their lives.Not a house that smells like cat poop and urine, I can't even let kaylin crawl on her floor because there is so much shit on it. crumbs and poop. It is literally disgusting most of the time.
I want to be super mom, a mom whos organized, who maybe has to work hard, but will still come home and have dinner on the table. Who isn't always depending on a man to be there, or to help. even if me and andrew break up, and i dont fall in love with anyone else, I will never ever let the love die for my little girl. I will be there, and help her through homework in any way that i can. I will teach her, and show her the things ive learned in this life time. I will do everything in my power to be the mom that she can go to for help, or love, or even money. I AM going to be that mom, even if it takes me years to be a nurse, im going to. I AM GOING TOO. I promise myself that. I will do everything that my parents couldn't do, or didnt try to do, and i will push through the pain of my job. I will out work it..i will try and try and try.. there will be no room for failure. I may be broke now, and i can't afford anything for my family. not very much anyways...but i will keep working on it. I will be crafty and take lots of pictures. I will read her books and let her dreams fill her beautiful little mind. I will let her grow, and I will teach her everything I know about the beauty and the ugly of this world. I will let her be a child, and let her grow up slowly, I will let her enjoy life. I never got too. I want to enjoy life with her. Along with Andrew hopefully. Until we give her another brother or sister. I will do everything for my kids, even if it's just being there. Thats what matters. At times I will fail, but only to give me a new direction. I'm so excited to escape from my parents and venture off to my own life. But only, it is soo lonely. To not have a mom to count on, or help me back on my feet. Grandma and Grandpa are getting old. They won't be here forever, and my heart drops as i see them getting older. It's hard to remember them, all the things they did. All they taught me..i feel like they can't be there anymore. They don't remember much, and they are in pain all the time. I love them so much, it just kills me to see everything age is putting them through. At 82,84 years old...i just can't bare to slowly lose them like this. They are everything to me. everything. but with tears welled up in my eyes, and my heart to my knees. I will do what they taught me, focus on being all that I can be. I will walk the path that god provides for me. I promise to you Kaylin...I will be there for you.

(ignore all the grammer mistakes...)