Andrew.

I hate when I'm negative, because not all things that hurt you are bad, or bad for you. Andrew is different, too say the least. I love him, the first thing I should mention is how much I completely miss him when he's not with me. Even if for a second. How he puts his face in mine, and how he thinks, how he can do anything, if he just tries it. He works so hard, but he hasn't givin himself a chance. Sometimes I look at him and wonder if we we're really meant for eachother, if he's just a deadbeat loser, and I should save myself and run. I feel that way sometimes. Like when we fight, when he loses his temper just a bit, or holds me down. I know a man should never put his hands on a woman. believe me, my dad was abusive, I can see where this could go. He never truely hurts me, maybe just for a second. Most of the time we are playing around, or if he gets really really mad he might squeeze my leg for a second. Is this bad? Am I just making excuses? Part of me wants to run, run somewhere and live on my own with Kaylin. I could do it, cause I have so much determination, hope and faith. I know I could, but I couldn't leave without making it difficult with kaylin. I could never leave her..It's hard even when I go to work to leave her. Andrew isn't all bad, he's really not. These moments happen maybe once a month. Maybe it gets too far, but he is always remorseful and cares if he accidently hurts me. I love him, I don't want to leave him now...but later? What then? I don't think I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I hate thinking this way..but the time will come, that I think I will leave him. There is a man out there, somewhere, maybe. that will come home from work and kiss me on the forehead and ask me how my day was. A man who will bring me flowers once in awhile, just because he knows it will make me happy. A man that would give up everything for me, who would show me his love through dates, and little trips to the park. He will want to show me the world and provide for me, not ever let me feel over burdened by not being able to get my schooling done. This man is real, cause I've had men like this before. Why I choose Andrew, because he was this guy who was broken. I wanted so bad to make him happy, I wanted him to love me, but i was throwing love around. I fell in love with him because he is like me, he lives his life like I do. He has motivation and will step up to the plate and do a good job at it. He loves, and he just shows it a different way. Writing this blog, makes it so true. It's true, I'm having a hard time trying to find reasons why I love him. We went camping one summer, and we got out in the middle of the lake and sat on a rock for pretty much a whole day, and just talked. I fell in love. I love him, with all my heart. I would stay with him, I could do it. but I would be hating myself in the future. I know I would be. I need more than that, I need real love, I need to have the butterflies in my stomach when I look at my love, I want to be able to make love, and feel it with every part of me. I don't just want to have sex, and go to bed. I'm not trying to get like something in the movies, I know there will be fighting, I know there will be arguing. I know though that someone who loves me wouldn't hurt me. Wouldn't think about putting his hands on me in anger. Someone who has goals, who isn't putting down my every word. I just can't leave, not in the midst of raising Kaylin. I feel so stuck, lost. Sleeping with the enemy?  It's so true, it screams out on this page, I never knew it was so real. What do I do? I am this woman, 20, who is starting out all wrong, I want to be living in a nice house, in a nice neighborhood, with a good job, a good career. A man who protects me, loves me and only me. Faithful. never dream of hurting me. I need it. So how do i do it? I don't want any hard feelings. It's been 4 years, I just don't think I can do it for another 50. I want Kaylin raised by both of us, we are both such wonderful parents. I love that...but where do I go from here?
I can't just walk away, and split up my time with my baby. I couldn't go a day without her. Do I wait? I need someone who is in the place I want to be, who can talk to me, and show me what to do. Step by step, to slowly get to where I wanna be. I love Andrew, but is love even enough anymore? I know when i fell out of love with him. When I was 8 mo. pregnant, and he cheated ( I knew it was happening) on me with his ex girlfriend. I left him because in the beginning stages of us getting together I had cheated on him. So it was fairish...but it hurt so bad. I will never forgive him for it. not all the way anyways...not when we had been together for 3 years and I was pregnant. He still talks to her, I don't even care though. Sometimes I wish he would go back to her, so I could go and just find myself again. Sometimes I even encourage him to talk to her..why? I have no idea. It hurts me still...but what do I do? I'm not even what he wants. Anyways the point here is...we weren't supposed to be together. It's all my fault for being dumb, moving in with him. It was all so dumb. I would take it all back if it weren't for one thing....Kaylin.