Something I shouldn't have said.

[[[I have to, I have to say it. Even though it will get you both super pissed at me. It's not fair, its sooo not fair. Why am I left out of everything? Because I have Kaylin? Your right, I love Kaylin with all of my heart, and yes I want to be with her as much as possible. Alot of the time I don't have time, and i do work a lot. But why am I left out of everything? I hold it in every single time I see you guys do something, but the pain in my heart overrides everything. Sometimes i feel so freaking depressed about this, but theres nothing i can do, nothing i can really say..because the times we do hangout are amazing. You do a lot for me and I am completely blessed to have friends as amazing as you two have been to me. So thats why I hold it in, that's why I can't say anything, because i don't want to make you think I don't appreciate the things you do. Cause i do. You two hang out ALLL THE TIME. You go to movies, or go out to breakfast, go to see Kayleighs aunt, go to the store, hangout at eachothers house...everything. have you ever thought about inviting me? Am i that boring? Can one of you atleast ask if im busy or not? Do i say no that much to you? Your right, you both are not like me, I have grown up a lot, but i am still me, i still have a life, i can still go do something. I understand that sometimes we do stuff, a lot of the time i have to take kaylin, but babysitters are available... and when you invited me to christmas eve kayleigh, that was the best thing i could have asked for. I didnt need you to get me anything because you had already done that by inviting me. I dont know what else to say, besides im sorry for just now telling you this. Im just so hurt..i have absolutly no friends anymore because i'm a mom. idk...just think about it. you dont have to write me back..just think about it please. Enjoy your new years, i hope you both have a blast, and i hope we can start this new year out just a bit differently. ]]]


I had to say it..it hurts so bad that they ignore that im capable of joining them. i feel like giving up but how can i give up on the two best, only friends that i have.

Her First Christmas

It's so hard to believe how big she is now compared to then.

Oh how big she is getting

nine oh two one oh.

My little girl back then.

Andrew.

I hate when I'm negative, because not all things that hurt you are bad, or bad for you. Andrew is different, too say the least. I love him, the first thing I should mention is how much I completely miss him when he's not with me. Even if for a second. How he puts his face in mine, and how he thinks, how he can do anything, if he just tries it. He works so hard, but he hasn't givin himself a chance. Sometimes I look at him and wonder if we we're really meant for eachother, if he's just a deadbeat loser, and I should save myself and run. I feel that way sometimes. Like when we fight, when he loses his temper just a bit, or holds me down. I know a man should never put his hands on a woman. believe me, my dad was abusive, I can see where this could go. He never truely hurts me, maybe just for a second. Most of the time we are playing around, or if he gets really really mad he might squeeze my leg for a second. Is this bad? Am I just making excuses? Part of me wants to run, run somewhere and live on my own with Kaylin. I could do it, cause I have so much determination, hope and faith. I know I could, but I couldn't leave without making it difficult with kaylin. I could never leave her..It's hard even when I go to work to leave her. Andrew isn't all bad, he's really not. These moments happen maybe once a month. Maybe it gets too far, but he is always remorseful and cares if he accidently hurts me. I love him, I don't want to leave him now...but later? What then? I don't think I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I hate thinking this way..but the time will come, that I think I will leave him. There is a man out there, somewhere, maybe. that will come home from work and kiss me on the forehead and ask me how my day was. A man who will bring me flowers once in awhile, just because he knows it will make me happy. A man that would give up everything for me, who would show me his love through dates, and little trips to the park. He will want to show me the world and provide for me, not ever let me feel over burdened by not being able to get my schooling done. This man is real, cause I've had men like this before. Why I choose Andrew, because he was this guy who was broken. I wanted so bad to make him happy, I wanted him to love me, but i was throwing love around. I fell in love with him because he is like me, he lives his life like I do. He has motivation and will step up to the plate and do a good job at it. He loves, and he just shows it a different way. Writing this blog, makes it so true. It's true, I'm having a hard time trying to find reasons why I love him. We went camping one summer, and we got out in the middle of the lake and sat on a rock for pretty much a whole day, and just talked. I fell in love. I love him, with all my heart. I would stay with him, I could do it. but I would be hating myself in the future. I know I would be. I need more than that, I need real love, I need to have the butterflies in my stomach when I look at my love, I want to be able to make love, and feel it with every part of me. I don't just want to have sex, and go to bed. I'm not trying to get like something in the movies, I know there will be fighting, I know there will be arguing. I know though that someone who loves me wouldn't hurt me. Wouldn't think about putting his hands on me in anger. Someone who has goals, who isn't putting down my every word. I just can't leave, not in the midst of raising Kaylin. I feel so stuck, lost. Sleeping with the enemy?  It's so true, it screams out on this page, I never knew it was so real. What do I do? I am this woman, 20, who is starting out all wrong, I want to be living in a nice house, in a nice neighborhood, with a good job, a good career. A man who protects me, loves me and only me. Faithful. never dream of hurting me. I need it. So how do i do it? I don't want any hard feelings. It's been 4 years, I just don't think I can do it for another 50. I want Kaylin raised by both of us, we are both such wonderful parents. I love that...but where do I go from here?
I can't just walk away, and split up my time with my baby. I couldn't go a day without her. Do I wait? I need someone who is in the place I want to be, who can talk to me, and show me what to do. Step by step, to slowly get to where I wanna be. I love Andrew, but is love even enough anymore? I know when i fell out of love with him. When I was 8 mo. pregnant, and he cheated ( I knew it was happening) on me with his ex girlfriend. I left him because in the beginning stages of us getting together I had cheated on him. So it was fairish...but it hurt so bad. I will never forgive him for it. not all the way anyways...not when we had been together for 3 years and I was pregnant. He still talks to her, I don't even care though. Sometimes I wish he would go back to her, so I could go and just find myself again. Sometimes I even encourage him to talk to her..why? I have no idea. It hurts me still...but what do I do? I'm not even what he wants. Anyways the point here is...we weren't supposed to be together. It's all my fault for being dumb, moving in with him. It was all so dumb. I would take it all back if it weren't for one thing....Kaylin.

Hope

I am going to post a new picture of her everytime i write, I have [[ALOT]] of catching up to do!
I never expected motherhood to be easy, but what has really been bugging me, like seriously bugging me. Is that my mother has hardly any role in Kaylins life. She sucks at being a grandma, because she sucked at being a mom. Meanwhile I had the most wonderful grandparents. They are my heros. They saved my life , without them I would be nothing. I mean that with every thing within me.
     Sure when I first had Kaylin, she promised me she would take the week off to help me out, and she did a little bit. Then when Kaylin started on baby food, she wouldnt feed her everytime I had Kay at her house. Then when we would come pick her up, we realized she wasnt changing her diapers, and she wasn't giving her something to drink. The list goes on and on. I hate when I have noone else to watch her, because my mom is just horrible. I think of how much I want for Kaylin and how bad I want to give her the life I couldn't have. I want her to have grandparents who make her scrap books and picture books, and who put money away for her for college. Who support her and love her, who TAKE CARE OF HER. I can never rely on my mom. I can never ever trust her to do what she says. I love her just like i love my dad, just for giving me life..( and not letting me go to foster care or die) but that is it. All other love is gone, it was gone when I was little, when she broke every little childhood dream that I had. Anyways..its so hard having all of that on you when your a mom. not knowing whether your mom is going to feed your daughter, or change her diaper. I have so much on me right now..I am trying to be there for her, trying to get my nursing done. Trying to work at a job that I completely loathe intirely. I wish I could of had the wonderful up bringing that a lot of people had. So many of my friends say that their mom is they're best friend, the things their moms do for them. Just the love, and how their moms tried. They didn't have to succeed, but they did what was right for their family. They have a house, maybe not a big house, but a house, that is well kept, and where they have dinner at the table almost every night. A mom that actually worries about her children, who wants to be a part of their lives.Not a house that smells like cat poop and urine, I can't even let kaylin crawl on her floor because there is so much shit on it. crumbs and poop. It is literally disgusting most of the time.
I want to be super mom, a mom whos organized, who maybe has to work hard, but will still come home and have dinner on the table. Who isn't always depending on a man to be there, or to help. even if me and andrew break up, and i dont fall in love with anyone else, I will never ever let the love die for my little girl. I will be there, and help her through homework in any way that i can. I will teach her, and show her the things ive learned in this life time. I will do everything in my power to be the mom that she can go to for help, or love, or even money. I AM going to be that mom, even if it takes me years to be a nurse, im going to. I AM GOING TOO. I promise myself that. I will do everything that my parents couldn't do, or didnt try to do, and i will push through the pain of my job. I will out work it..i will try and try and try.. there will be no room for failure. I may be broke now, and i can't afford anything for my family. not very much anyways...but i will keep working on it. I will be crafty and take lots of pictures. I will read her books and let her dreams fill her beautiful little mind. I will let her grow, and I will teach her everything I know about the beauty and the ugly of this world. I will let her be a child, and let her grow up slowly, I will let her enjoy life. I never got too. I want to enjoy life with her. Along with Andrew hopefully. Until we give her another brother or sister. I will do everything for my kids, even if it's just being there. Thats what matters. At times I will fail, but only to give me a new direction. I'm so excited to escape from my parents and venture off to my own life. But only, it is soo lonely. To not have a mom to count on, or help me back on my feet. Grandma and Grandpa are getting old. They won't be here forever, and my heart drops as i see them getting older. It's hard to remember them, all the things they did. All they taught me..i feel like they can't be there anymore. They don't remember much, and they are in pain all the time. I love them so much, it just kills me to see everything age is putting them through. At 82,84 years old...i just can't bare to slowly lose them like this. They are everything to me. everything. but with tears welled up in my eyes, and my heart to my knees. I will do what they taught me, focus on being all that I can be. I will walk the path that god provides for me. I promise to you Kaylin...I will be there for you.

(ignore all the grammer mistakes...)

Being Prego.

Honestly it wasn't the worst. I even missed being pregnant after I had Kaylin. I had the worst morning sickness, threw up everything I put into my mouth, and I had the strangest appetite. I would throw soup together with noodles and hot sauce and cream of whatever! To this day I can not eat cream of chicken . I didn't gain anything until around this last picture here, which was at 6 months. Then the weight just swelled up around my face and my thighs and feet! Soon I developed preclampsia, had protein in my urine and had pretty high blood pressure. I took off the last month of work, because it was constant standing, I wish I had saved a picture of my feet! They where so groww looking! I had no unusual cravings, just the normal fast food junk. I loved when she would kick, or get the hiccups. I think that is what I miss the most. The uncertainity of everything made it miserable, plus it was all during the summer! All of which was when we lived with my mom, and she had no air conditioning! That is pretty much it, I loved the beginning, and of course the end!

A little of when she was born up to her two week photo!

                                            8lbs. 4oz. 22 in.@ 10:45 pm

Get to know the little girl I have brought into this world!

About me.

Truthfully, I am young. Not as young as some moms are, but I sure took the leap of faith when it came to my age. I want to be successful, I want to be wonderful, supermom, accomplished, and smart. Somehow I don't feel like any of those things. Though this is different, different from any other site I've been on, or blogged on. This time, I'm going to keep my hopes high, and focus on my little girl. Hopefully this will give me some information on how all the other moms do it. Hopefully I'm not the only one who wants more in their life. My name is Amanda, 20. I have a boyfriend , Andrew, who you will hear a lot about I'm almost positive. Kaylin is my daughter, whom just turned 1 in September. 9.2.2010 or nine oh two one oh. :) She is everything to me, everything. I would give anything for her, and i do everything I can for her. Not enough as i want, but i try. I am working at a hospital in housekeeping, it is prison, to say the least! I was going to school for my bachlors in nursing, but that got put on hold so I could overcome the diversions of raising a baby. Well now that she's one, I am still at home, working part time at two different jobs. The other at a reception hall as a server. My life is like a roller coaster, as I finally get up the hill, it's a short break until the next. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, comes easy to me. I feel like I have been cursed or somehow just done everything wrong in the past 20 years. There is so much to say, but I don't want my very first post to be dramatically long. So this is me for now, but oh dear does the story go on.