This dream...again and again...wakes me up feeling heartbroken. Just feeling a mans love, knowing he would ultimately do anything to make me happy. Want what's best for me, wants me as his and his alone. Loves everything about me, even the bad. Could help me abide by Gods rule, and not have sex before marriage. Respects me, and loves and keeps God to the most importance. Why do I keep dreaming of this? Why can't I have this? It hurts so much to wake up to real life, to realize that the dream was really only a dream.
Andrew loves me, but in what way? In a way that's comfortable for him. The only way he knows how. I love experiencing things with him, he IS my best friend. I DO love him...but in a way that only makes me comfortable? Are we really afraid to see what else is out there, that we could be keeping each other away from someone like I mentioned above. I know he doesn't have that with me, nor do I. We constantly put each other down, when we should do the exact opposite. We fight sometimes for days, we don't respect eachother as Kaylin's parent. He doesn't agree with how I raise Kaylin, and that's what we fight most about. We fight about money, about him not showing me love. For some reason, something is missing. I know there is someone out there who would do more and who could be the person I keep dreaming about. I haven't been able to look for long, and I jumped right at the first chance I had to having a long lasting relationship. Now I'm going to marry a man I'm not sure about? I'm going to give my life to him, in front of God and our church? Am I making a huge mistake? I don't think God would let me dream about something so intense and warming like this dream was. In the long run, I know Andrew is going to have a ton of health issues. I know I'm going to have to care for him, that's not what scares me. What scares me is that he will be mean and bitter and disrespectful his whole life, which in ends time will make me hurt, and lost and depressed.
What do I do? What did I get myself into? Why couldn't my father have been here to show me, to help me? A father not like my own, but a good one who could have guided me, and loved me appropriately. Why couldn't God send me a man unlike all of the ones I've known, and guide me to a man that he knows will give me his all. I feel so broken. I feel like it's going to be too late very soon. I will pray, I will ask God to not let me go through this if it isn't what is best for me. I want to be happy, in love and guided by a strong man. I want to be happy......I just want to be happy.
Andrew loves me, but in what way? In a way that's comfortable for him. The only way he knows how. I love experiencing things with him, he IS my best friend. I DO love him...but in a way that only makes me comfortable? Are we really afraid to see what else is out there, that we could be keeping each other away from someone like I mentioned above. I know he doesn't have that with me, nor do I. We constantly put each other down, when we should do the exact opposite. We fight sometimes for days, we don't respect eachother as Kaylin's parent. He doesn't agree with how I raise Kaylin, and that's what we fight most about. We fight about money, about him not showing me love. For some reason, something is missing. I know there is someone out there who would do more and who could be the person I keep dreaming about. I haven't been able to look for long, and I jumped right at the first chance I had to having a long lasting relationship. Now I'm going to marry a man I'm not sure about? I'm going to give my life to him, in front of God and our church? Am I making a huge mistake? I don't think God would let me dream about something so intense and warming like this dream was. In the long run, I know Andrew is going to have a ton of health issues. I know I'm going to have to care for him, that's not what scares me. What scares me is that he will be mean and bitter and disrespectful his whole life, which in ends time will make me hurt, and lost and depressed.
What do I do? What did I get myself into? Why couldn't my father have been here to show me, to help me? A father not like my own, but a good one who could have guided me, and loved me appropriately. Why couldn't God send me a man unlike all of the ones I've known, and guide me to a man that he knows will give me his all. I feel so broken. I feel like it's going to be too late very soon. I will pray, I will ask God to not let me go through this if it isn't what is best for me. I want to be happy, in love and guided by a strong man. I want to be happy......I just want to be happy.
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