Losing the battle

I am deliberately exhausted. I am without a doubt lost when it comes to my daughter. How do moms do this without yelling, screaming or pulling their hair out? I love her, I want her to act right. I want her to listen to me, but everything I say to her just makes her cry. Saying no "kinda" works..and I use that word lightly. She stops after I say no a few times, but when she wants something that's when the horrible mean little baby comes out. She scratches me and pinches me, she throws herself on the floor kicking and screaming. I ask her what she wants and of course she goes to the freezer and points to the Popsicle . Of course I can't give into her demands, so I simply tell her no and then ignore her sobs and screams. It is taking a toll on me though, I want to break down and give into her, I have a few times and maybe that's what's turned her like this. But now that I am trying to enforce that she can't have one yet, it seems like it never ends. She cries and cries and cries until she finds something else to cry about..I just want to run away and scream. I feel like crying right now and I just put her down. What am I doing wrong? How do I fix this endless battle with her. She's not even two yet and these tantrums I'm afraid will only get worse. These are the days I feel like I made the wrong choice, these are the days I feel like a horrible mom. The days I just want to lay down and do nothing, I just can't handle it, I am so tired and scared because I'm afraid that everything I do is wrong. I need someone to help me..Along with Andrew telling me everything I'm doing wrong, it makes me want to jump off a cliff. I need support, not someone tearing me down. Isn't he supposed to be that someone? I feel so tired..all I want to do is cry and sleep. Blah...tell me it gets better...

Easy come..easy go

So step one of the things I have yet to nail down as being a parent, that it is a whole lot harder to control you're emotions when you have a one year old who wants things done HER way.
My heart is forced to give in to that little "I'm not really crying" face, and when she see's how I am slightly about to give in, she brings it on, screaming and hitting, running around. Truthfully I kinda lost it, I had to put her in bed for a second to regain myself. This is the first time since she was a newborn that it has put me under this much stress, I was literally pulling my hair out to keep myself from screaming.
...She wants to be outside 24/7, so if I can get her to just watch t.v while I make her lunch, for just 5 minutes, before she comes in crying about not being outside, then I'm having a good day. 
She has come to love going into our bathroom and taking out every single clean wash rag I have and throwing it in the bathtub, along with the razor I had left out the previous night to shave my legs, and just when I hand her a pickle later that day, blood is running down that precious little finger. I about had a heart attack running around like a mad woman as if she had broken a bone, I felt clueless. Like I didn't even know that common sense was telling me to grab antiseptic and a band-aid. I started chasing after her with the broom after she threw her cereal from breakfast all over the kitchen floor, I picked her up to put her in the living room for a second and she comes in with two fountain cup lids on her feet sliding around like she's ice skating, of course that ends in a fall, she falls down at least 30 times daily, if not more, they all follow with tears.  After I put the band-aid on her finger, I notice that it is too big, so I do it in a way I kinda knew she would pick at, but somehow brilliant me thought that maybe she would keep it on and like it..yea.. I ended up taking it off after an hour or two, after the bleeding had stopped and the ointment had kicked in.
I tried to trick her to go outside with my laptop and write the novel I have been working on, hoping she would be running around enough so that I could finish my first chapter. Once I sat down, she pretty much cried the whole time because I had the laptop in the first place and preceded to pull on my arm , and I have no idea who could resist the face she gave me, so of course I gave in.
Now.... I try to keep my boundaries, and I do know how to say no. I'm not that out of it... and for the most part she knows a few things she shouldn't do. I did well with the whole " you can't go in the street" thing, which after getting her play time interrupted by going inside a few times, she finally figured it was better to listen to mommy. When I tell her no, she may ask again or maybe twice, but after she has heard the no no no, she figures it's useless and moves on to the next thing she can get into. She is truly a smart child, she thinks she is starting to figure me out, but ohhh if she only knew.
I will get this down, it may take a few more toddler books, and a couple of intense therapy sessions with my good friend or maybe my counselor. But god help me, I am determined to show her everything I know and even everything I don't know, to trust her and to guide her, but to me, as long as she knows how much me and her daddy love her and she can love us back just as much and look up to who we were as her parents, than that's when we will know that we've done our job good. :) ..much love.

You're exhausted mommy<3

Easter.

Oh the joys of raising such an amazing little girl! She really brings out who I am, and seeing her shows me how much I can and want to be.
So Easter. First of all, don't go shopping at the last minute, and expecially don't ever go shopping with Andrew looking for Gift stuff. He complained the whole time how I look at each and every thing, and then while I was still trying to keep a budget, he criticized me of how much I spent when he threw in a few items himself.
Plus the lady didn't give me the sale price and charged me for full price. Let's just say I wasn't happy after I saw that receipt.
anyways .. I did manage to get Kaylin in her dress and I got two videos of that lovely smile while she found eggs and pulled them a part, not even wanting the yogurt melts and chocolate inside. She is so different, she surprises me with everything, not just the way she acts, but the way she does something. Like instead of eating the icing off a cookie, she will start taking out the chocolate chips inside the cookie, eat them, then poke at the icing and then eat the rest of the cookie. Just an example, but it makes me laugh. I love seeing the way she is starting to say a lot more words, hearing that little voice say uncle Aj and pickle or ( cule cule?) , makes me feel good inside. Like "yes! I'm still doing okay! she is a happy girl, she is healthy, and I am somewhat doing okay as a mom." that makes me feel better. Having people say how good she is, and what a happy girl she is, makes me know I am doing something right.
Now here comes the bad, Obviously Andrew and I are completely different. While I believe that she is fully capable of eating a combo, Andrew believes she is way to young and she can't eat that much, and that she will choke. I do believe it could happen, but that could happen if she eats a grape, or cracker too. I feel like he under estimates my parenting a crap load. It hurts me pretty bad, I am around her almost all of the time, I am usually always the one feeding her, bathing her and playing with her, so why does he feel like his words always matter. I am old enough, and mature enough to figure out what is good and bad for her, I have grown up so much and I'm starting to see who I am, and what I need to get done, so why does he treat me like I am such a kid at this? 21 isn't that young. We had a neighbor come over to play with chalk with Kaylin, she is 10. She told me I am young, she even asked me what high school I went too. Oh boy, now that made me feel crappy. Yes I am young, I do believe that. Too young for a kid, but now days, that's what happens. I have never been the partying type, I've always just wanted to be in a relationship and get my life together, I've never really been young. Anyways..my point is, I don't want to be older, but I wish people would treat me the way and age that I am. I am reliable, I am confident in what I'm going to accomplish. I am not a child, teenager anymore..I've been an adult a long time, I still have a lot to learn, but knowing that and accepting I have flaws makes me more grown up. I know life now, I know how to survive. I just wish people would treat me like that.
So here are some of the pictures I got of her, she is getting so big and so beautiful, it really makes me miss my little baby, but seeing who she is and who she is growing up to be is amazing, bittersweet life <3

Growing up..but how?

I want to be an amazing mommy. Not only amazing, but smart, and I want to be able to show Kaylin the right way to do something. I feel like every time I look at the person I want to be, I feel so far away. Am I only caring about myself, I don't feel like I am, but as I read my blog I see that everything has been about me.
I spend every minute I can with this little girl, but yet I haven't written about her in ages. What is wrong with me?

So Easter...hmm. well I work, which wasn't my plan at all. I dream of an Easter where we can cookout, Kaylin can play with sidewalk chalk and other girls her age, while we have friends over. Yes that is the dream..but there are no such "friends". I thought I had friends one time, but I guess as you get older and more mature, you realize that you don't have as much in common as you believed you did. So there is me and my daughter. I learn from her everyday. She makes me laugh, and she is growing so fast. I feel like I look away and she is another inch tall.
Blonder hair is starting to come in more, and her smile is so contagious. I can't help but fall helpless as she shoots me a grin when she does something she shouldn't be doing. I love this though! I love that I can be a mom and be with her as much as I am. I feel like she is a part of me, as if she never left my tummy. I feel like I know her like nobody else does, and that even a few hours without her turns my tummy crashing down like a roller coaster. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
                 So for Easter I think me and Andrew will hopefully do an Easter egg hunt, cookout for ourselves, and just enjoy the company of our family. Where ever our family goes, or who ever we meet, I am just glad to say that I have them. I hope to get a bunch of Easter pictures Saturday..I just can't wait to see who I turn out to be, and who I have Kaylin grow up to be.