Back and forth and back and forth. I'm in love, I'm not, I want more, I want less. Can I ever just be happy??? Like truly sweep me off my feet happy? Am I just marrying Andrew because it's been so long? Because I feel like we obviously aren't going to break up...so why not get married? And right when I get majorly excited about having a wonderful wedding and nice country life with him, he grows cold and brutally mean and hurtful. His words hurt me more than he will ever know. It's like it's always a competition with him. He's always placing the blame, making me lose every inch of love I'm feeling at that moment, which makes me want to scream. Why does it have to go from great to horrible? I want to be with him, and love him, and treat him well...but how can I if we are so back and forth all of the time? Did I just agree to marry him because he's the first real relationship I've ever had? Am I making a huge mistake...? I don't want to waste years and years of my life if I know that this moment is where it all happened? I could change everything in a second... I could tear my life apart...split up kaylins time between us and be on my own...living with my mom, and going back to school. Or I can plan this wedding, find us a home, and make this ...real. I wish God could just show me his way.... Oh Jesus...don't let me regret this decision...let me for once choose what's right... Let your will be done .... Please let it be done no matter how hard it may seem.
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