Anything.

Anything would be better, than feeling how I feel right now. 

Today.

There's no hiding it. This feeling, it's so raw, it cuts into me, releasing the hurt and antagonizing feeling that I'm trapped, that I'm suffocating mentally. I can't feel my heart...I know it's in there...but these days, like today, completely make me feel like a nothing of a person. I don't feel love being released or accepted. I don't feel happy.
I sat in church today, and tried so hard to feel his presence. To feel like he hears me, to feel his love surround me, like normal. Though I know he's here, I feel like I'm in a dark place, and I see nothing. I'm scared, that's an understatement...I am terrified of days like these. Where I feel like I've wasted such a long time, staying in a place where I'm not happy. I'm not proud of myself, I don't want to be with anybody, hear anybody, I don't feel anyone could understand me at this point. I don't even understand me. I can only hope and pray that God is listening, he is right by my side, holding me up, telling me to not be afraid, to trust in him. I can do this...I can move forward with my life...I can forgive myself...I can make myself happy....with his help. I don't have to be angry with myself that I haven't started college. I don't have to question my relationship..and wonder if he's truly who I want to be with...I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANY OF THAT....because he has me here for a reason. He wouldn't have me here if it wasn't in his will. I am scared....but with God....I know he won't leave me like this. because...




He is with me.



Always.

Let her free.

Some days, I just want that breath of fresh air. To run in a field and finally take that deep breath that right now I feel would make me feel a hundred times better. I want to feel the grass in-between my toes, lay down and watch the puffy clouds pass by. I really hope that's what heaven is like, just the knowing you have so much space, and freedom, and to watch something so lovely just pass you by. I know I could spend eternity doing that, as well as having the people you love near by. To watch the trees sway, and too smell the flowers through the air, the scent of freshly cut grass, the sun shining down but the wind blowing slightly so the temperature is just right. I want to run until I can't run anymore, bare feet... in a dress... with my hair blowing everywhere.

Sounds so simple, at least in the summer, but it's not. There's never that perfect place I can feel who I am. I feel so suffocated in my mind, and in my soul. There's so much stress, and anger, and hurt clouding my being right now.

Having grandma and grandpa's house was just like that. If only I could have somewhere like that again, maybe I could feel whole again. I could figure everything out, and think clearly. Maybe I wouldn't feel so depressed and worn out, If I could just breathe....

Patience is key, I suppose....

Four years.

When I think of you, my throat tightens. My heart freezes, and it takes a minute for me to remember that I still deserve to breathe. That I still deserve to hold my other baby girl, and have her so beautiful and lovely in my arms.
When I think of you, the tears come from a place that I like to keep hidden, and it hurts so deep inside.
I love you, and I don't remember you enough, because the pain of letting you go so easily is not easy for me to remember. My life will always be incomplete without you, my heart will always be broken.

Permanently.

But I feel as though I deserve it. I know how highly loved you are in heaven, and how Jesus smiles at you when you dance from his throne, and when you giggle, and how incredibly smart you must be.


I want you to know that I love you more than all the stars in the sky, all the sand on the beaches, all the air on the earth, every atom that takes up this world. I love you so much, and my heart cries out for you every time I breathe.

You WERE worth it, you DID mean something. I was just too young to care, to young to think, to hurt to love who I was, and If I didn't love myself, I didn't know how I was going to love you. I was so utterly wrong, so stupid, and selfish and ignorant, and blind to know what was right.


Whatever you are, girl or boy, I know you are beautiful, I know you are perfect in every single way that God made you. Please forgive me, I want to deserve to still be called your mother. I wish for you to see my hurt, to see how broken I am, I don't care how bad it makes me feel, for you to see how much I wish you were here with me, your dad, and your sister. You have a permanent place in my heart, and someday soon, Grandma and Grandpa will be there to see you. To love you like they did me. I hope they give you every ounce of love like you deserve. I will always think of you, I will always be your mother... you will forever be in my heart.