Give me time.

I thought I needed you, a lot. I never understood you, nor did I want to, because somehow I thought that would mean you were pushing me out. Its been awhile now, and I've had to grow without you. As much as i always thought that it would destroy me..I feel like it has healed me. I have learned so much about myself. I have had to think about what I like, and what makes me happy. I've had to put pressure on myself, and learn what responsibility is. I'm not saying it's easy without you, but the hurt is finally gone. The need for you is healed, and my mind is back to thinking that I'm better off. You own a spot in my heart that I can't cover up. It's always going to be there. You were right, I depended on you way to much, and now that dependance is on a higher power. I was lost in a whilwind of hurt and distruction, I made it my mission to hurt everyone that came into my life, all because I was hurt myself. I'm not saying I'm completely fixed, but I feel better. I feel happy, and I feel like I can live my life without you now. I can grow up, and do what I want with the people I've made a part of my life. I have tried so long to come to terms with it, but God and my family have given me so much strength and perserverence that I am finally able to live my life, without the pain of not having you there. I thank you for the love and guidence you have given me. I still want you there more than ever, but only if it's Gods way. I'm trying to find my way, and I'm happy I can finally rely on myself this time.

Better.

If I had a friend. A real friend...a friend who actually listened to me, a friend who wanted to know about my life as well as theirs. It seems like few people actually think about others ahead of themselves. When I am myself... It's like I'm not accepted. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know what makes me happy...I don't know what I enjoy. I don't even know what happiness is anymore, I feel trapped in a small box. Even though I'm free..my soul feels trapped. I just need to be out somewhere..any place other than here. My soul wants a breath of fresh air...I'm so afraid of everything. What if I never make it..what if I lose everything...what if I never accomplish anything. I'm a loser...I'm not smart..I'm not pretty or beautiful...I'm just a nothing. Not a good mother..not a good person. I don't care about half the things I pretend to care about. I love my little girl so much, but I don't feel I deserve her. I really don't. My truest of true feelings. My heart hurts so bad because she is so beautiful..so full of life and love and she is so freaking smart...I just can't seem to believe it was me that taught her most of that. I know this is a horrible blog right now...but my depression is getting the best of me...and I'm really leaning towards grabbing that bottle of vodka in the freezer and drinking until the feelings are gone. Although this does seem to be helping. It makes me sick to my stomach the things i think about sometimes...I know I'm not a horrible person...but why do these feelings resurface time and time again? Why are all of my dreams sad? Why do I feel so trapped?
     I got nothing done this weekend...no laundry..hardly any dishes..and now its going to be sunday. Blah... I keep praying that God will clean my mind. You know what...If I could just be at peace in my mind...for a day....think of nothing....it would be like so great..so nice. I am always thinking...and I am so freaking tired of it. I don't want to think...good..bad...whatever..I just want it to STOP! Everything crushing my insides..crushing my spirit. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel...i feel like im drowing...and I can't breathe...I just can't catch a breath. I need to feel something other than failure..other than torture...I have such a negative mind...I'm so sick and tired of hearing how much my life sucks..how sucky life is. I need to be around someone who understands me...someone who can lift me up..someone who I can truely truely talk too....someone who will listen to me and tell me what to do step by step. I can't live without a guide to tell me step by step what to do and which ways to go. I need help on how to finance my life...I need someone to push me to go to school..someone to push me to lose weight..someone to push me to get up in the morning..to be organized..someone to motivate me...to love me...I wish so bad that I had decent parents. You know how freaking alone I feel sometimes. My mom is so stuck in her own depression...my dad is in prison and has completely lost his mind..and my poor grandparents are slowly getting older and i feel like i had no help in this life. Sometimes it makes me just want to ask God to send me to heaven already because i just can't live anymore. I would never hurt myself...but i just dont feel like living. I have horrible excruciating back pain all of the time..migranes every other day . I get kidney stones and the most horrible horrible cramps...who would want to live with all of that each and every day? On top of that..I live with my mom..have no savings and we've been here a year..our car is slowly breaking down...Kaylin my poor baby girl will grow up not even having a decent house to live in. I've been looking for a house to rent but the more i think about spending 700 a mo. on a house the more i just wanna stay at moms till we can pay off our debt, and trust me...my moms house has fleas and she has so many cats the house always smells bad. ..My dream of moving out feels like it will never happen. Our credit sucks...and blah blah blah. You know how much I hate complainers...and yet my mind is constantly complaining. what do I need to do God? Tell me please.... Why is everything so freaking hard? I keep waiting and waiting for it to get better..but it just never does.

A better person.

I can say I am better. I can say I have learned, or I have grown up and I am more responsible or more compassionate for others. The thing I hate most about myself are the things I continue to do all of the time. I never learned to be good with money. Now I have ruined every chance I've had with just about everybody. I have borrowed from people and never paid them back. I have mooched off of people who weren't even standing on two legs themselves, I have ruined my credit, and made myself look like a horrible person, all because I never learned to be organized with my finances. I guess thats all apart of growing up and stuff, but it seems now that it just gets so much worse every day. I have been living with my mom for a year now, and I guess I've just lost track of time that I kept saying I'd start paying her, and never did. I have completely left her in the dust, while i tried to rebuild myself. I guess I feel like, I never was raised right. I never had the chance to learn everything about that stuff like other people did. I have messed up so freaking much in the past three years, it has put me in a hole I just can't seem to crawl out of. It just gets bigger and bigger and I never learn. I have put blame on my mom so much because she was never there for me when I was young. I feel like I was rejected when I was little, so i still feel like she owes me something. Thats not being grown up though, thats not being the bigger person and being a mature adult. I have so much to learn, I just pray that God makes me into that person, who is responsible and organized. I can't keep blaming my mom, or my dad for my bad decisions as an adult, I have to grow up, start my life, and take responsibilty for who I am and what I do with my life.