Whoeveryouare.

Sometimes I think of you, and I close my eyes to a summer night breeze blowing through my hair. Your warm body up close next to mine. Your smell is intoxicating, and being with you makes me feel safe. It makes me feel full of love and happiness. I don't need to try to be happy, or even decide where to go from where, because when I think of you, I am exactly where I need to be. I dream of you sometimes. I feel your warm skin through your shirt and I smell your sweet cologne, a smell I've never smelled, but something the makes me feel safe and loved. You hold my hand, and you want me to be involved in everything you do. You tower over me and guard me from danger. You protect me like you are guarding the most precious thing in your world. I am so happy in these dreams, I just see myself smiling.
Of course you don't exist in my life right now, or even in this universe. And when I dream of you, you either have no face or I never remember. You make me happy, you show me not to worry, and to be happy with everything. To work for what I want, but be happy with what I have. You hold me and guide me in the right direction, I don't even need to tell you. You know my fears, my insecurities, but you make them a beauty the shines within myself. Maybe this is God, maybe this is my future, or maybe this is just a dream. I want this, and do I believe it's out there? Not really. But every time I dream of you, waking up breaks my heart, as if I lost a part of me. I get these dreams once in awhile, but very far in between. I crave these dreams, and sometimes I try to go back to sleep just so I can feel that way again. Of course it never happens. I don't get it back. It kills me to see the life I live now, and dream of the perfectness of being happy. I don't need a million dollars, or fancy things. I want this happiness. Although having my daughter brings me happiness, it's a different kind. I don't know if I will ever be happy like this though. I don't even know if I am in love or if I am just afraid of being alone. All I know is, this isn't love I am living right now. This isn't how a relationship should be. Have I felt happy at all? Possibly. So where do I go from here, and when will I meet the man with no face? Someday I hope to live the life I dream.

Checking up.

I feel horrible. Maybe it was the 8 servings of mashed potatoes I just consumed, or the fact my mind is screaming failure inside my head. I want to go back in my life and think things through, get finished with school before children, and maybe reconsider my life with Andrew. I have been happy, completely in love with him, and then I'm screaming to get out. I look at myself and think, if I had just been strong enough to leave him when I had the chance where would life be right now? Big downfall...I wouldn't have Kaylin. Thinking about not having her makes my heart drop, but I wouldn't of had her to begin with, so I wouldn't of felt that way. Anyway I can't go back, and now I have an extra appendage to take care of, and I have to give her everything. Should I leave him? Go out and live my life and try to make it alone? Or should we stay together, sparing our daughter's happiness, and letting go of mine. Her's is way more worth it, but the fighting sometimes gets carried away right in front of her, and I remember way back when that the same fighting Andrew and I do, ruined my perception of my parents. So what do I do? Live with mom and possibly leave everything I have built so far? Even if it's just a rock pile? I wish God would give me the strength to do what's right. Even when I know in my mind what really is right for me. decisions decisions decisions..