So every summer i go to my aunt and uncles house, for a week or two. It's usually fun and nice and relaxing but now this year I brought kaylin and Andrew and now after all of these months, she is complainging about how messy and smelly we were. How we didn't help pay for anything. How i didnt help cleaning up or with the party that they had. I swear okay having a little baby and doing all of that is a big job. This isn't true though. I cut all of the vegtables, and made a dish. I helped her every way that I could, after every meal I got up and helped do dishes. I know I wasn't too clean with my room and I know they did buy everything, but she is making it sound like I am the biggest pig in the whole world. I don't know if she doesn't remember or something but I did try to help. If it was bothering her that bad, then why didnt she pull me to the side and ask me to help clean up more or to pay for something. You know it just hurts me that they don't even understand what's it's like to be us. We went there for a vacation, and they live i a 300,000 dollar house. I live in a trailor. I live pay check to pay check..it was hard just being able to afford the gas down there. I mean i feel awful because I love her to death but damn, that was so mean. I just don't know how to freaking put it. I don't want to tell her this but damn she just really hurt my feelings.

Time out

I am very upset with myself on how I handle kaylin sometimes. Like tonight, I have just worked three days straight working non stop..and i come home and immediatly have to hold her, play with her, by which i am certainly not complaining at all. she will only be this age once, i just wish we had a car so we could get out of the house. I feel like when she gets frustrated, i get frustrated, and it just scares me that I'm going to be mean to her. I have to calm down, and just wait for her to stop crying, and then go on to the next thing. but now , like today, i just got so upset i just put her to bed an hour early. Now i feel completely horrible about it. She fell asleep in like 2 minutes, but the fact that i just throw her in bed when i get irritated? Thats not good. these are the days i feel like an awful mother. i just wish i could fix who i am sometimes..i know im tired but i dont feel like its all that great of an excuse. i cant blame her for me being tired..thats not her fault. i love her so much..i dont want to be that kind of mom. blahh =(

Threes a crowd?

I just keep seem to mess things up, once I finally start something good, a life I can appreciate and actually like who I am, I go and try to correct the other stuff. I try to write my last two remaining friends and tell them how much they don't invite me to anything, and how bad I want them to hang out with me again. So now one of them, the one I was really pointing the finger at is so mad at me, and I wasn't trying to blame her for anything. I was just trying to tell her. Everytime I would try to make plans with her, she would end up inviting someone else, or she would tell me she's busy the whole week. I've been trying and trying to tell her this face to face but I just couldn't get the time, or the right moment. So I sent them a message on facebook, just telling them how much it hurts me that they won't even ask me to hang out when they are both doing something. I was like do they not like me? or what the hell am i doing wrong, that makes them not want to atleast ask me to join them. Anyways, she's mad. Very mad. I really should just let go, let it all go. I have a family, and well a family. That should be it. Women arn't really supposed to have friends outside of their relationships are they? They should just stay home, cook, clean, work, take care of their babies, and ciest to exist. right? I don't know. I just hate losing a good friend, she and I were so close, we had so much. Now I feel replaced. I've excepted that because in literal terms I kinda replaced her with my boyfriend and my daughter, but I've always..ALWAYS made time for her. I always let her know when I was free. I ask her to go do things when I see her, and I make sure I atleast write her on holidays. I thought long about this letter, and after I sent it the only thing I wanted to do was delete everything and just try to hang out with them when they had time. I tried to put my feelings aside for so long, more than a year now. I just don't know what to do, or say. She always switches the blame. She shouldn't be mad at me, I didn't tell her I was mad. I just told her I wanted to hang out with them more. I wanted it to be more of a team instead of it just being them two. I guess I've managed to mess things up. We shouldn't even be friends, I don't think I even know how to have a "girl" friend. I just know I'll end up regretting this, I'll regret not having friends when my wedding comes. Or when I get old. I'll regret not trying. So maybe that's why I'm making this a big deal. Maybe this is why I mess up my fairytale to have it be a happily ever after kinda thing.