You Learn.

After a while you learn the subtle difference 

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, 

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning 

And company doesn't mean security. 

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts 

And presents aren't promises, 

And you begin to accept your defeats 

With your head up and your eyes open 

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child, 

And you learn to build all your roads on today 

Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans 

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. 

After a while you learn... 

That even sunshine burns if you get too much. 

So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul, 

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. 

And you learn that you really can endure... 

That you really are strong 

And you really do have worth... 

And you learn and learn... 

With every good-bye you learn.

Kaylin.

Who was I before you? Who would I be without you? You have given me life inside my soul I never knew I had, I have strength I never knew I had. You keep me alive, you bring out my biggest fears. You make me want to try, and be everything that I never had the motivation to be. I feel stronger with you, I feel ready and hopeful, and able to get things organized and set right. I want to finally do the right thing, I want to be prepared and successful. I feel I have a huge mountain to climb, and i am in a huge mud puddle, sliding down with every few steps I take. I can't get out of it, it brings this depression that has me worrying about things I know I can get through. I know I can rely on God to pull me through so that I can be everything for you, that I need to be. Truthfully Kaylin, I am terrified.. I am afraid that I am the only supporter you will have in life, and that weight crushes down on me everyday when I see the huge mud puddle I am standing in. When I was young, Nana and my Dad weren't able to support me like they wanted too, and I lived with your great grandparents for a long time (Mimi and Pawpaw), they are the greatest people. I was so blessed to have them in my life, they saved me from a really bad childhood and gave me a good one, a normal one, they showed me love and made sure I was doing my best in school, I wish you could know them yourself, but they see you now, and Mimi is even saving money for you for when you're older, they smile every time I bring you over, and they love watching all the crazy things you do. They aren't going to be around when you are older, but just know that they love you so much, and they are the two greatest people ever, and they are going to be two amazing guardian angels you are going to have. Another thing, I don't talk about my dad, I know you might want to know him sometime in your life, but I want you to know that he is really not a good person to be around. He means well, but his mind is all wrong, and no matter how much your going to want him in your life, I think the best thing is for him not to be there. He hurt me a lot as a child and he doesn't remember a thing, he has a hard time remembering the truth, and when I say its for the best not to know him, I really do mean that. I will let you decide, but just know that some people have minds that are very messed up, it's a disorder that no one truly understands, but I will let you decide if that's what you want. Also, your Nana and I have a hard time seeing eye to eye, and don't be surprised if she lets you down quite a bit, she did that a lot to me as a child and just as much to me as an adult, I just want you to be cautious, I had grandma and grandpa to help me, and I'm afraid your dad and I's mother and father are a bit disappointing, but your going to have two amazing parents, so I hope that will be enough.  I want so much for you babe, I want you to accomplish every goal you set for yourself, no matter how silly, or no matter how much I don't believe it's right, I want you to achieve it, and be smart, be smarter than me. I want you to explore this world that God has given to us, while we are here. He made it for us, and I want you to get to know him yourself, and know how great his mercy is. You know, when I was pregnant with you, your daddy and I were talking in the car , describing all the features we wanted you to have, your hair blonde, your eyes like mine, your nose and body like your dads, and when you were born it was like he was listening to that, because you were even better than anything we could have ever imagined. I would lay in bed at night and your hiccups or kicks would lull me too sleep. You made me feel at ease, and comfortable when you were close by, almost as if my heart was in my arms when I held you, and when you weren't with me, I felt like I couldn't feel anything until you were back by my side. You hold every single emotion of mine in your being, and you don't even know it. Its love I can't explain, and feelings that come from me that I've never felt. Your tiny fingers in mine, when you hold your two little hands on my cheeks and look at me with those little green eyes, i see you growing up way before I am ready. You are so incredibly smart, you learn more and more each and every day. Its hard to know one day, I won't have that little hand in mine. I won't be able to have you by my side every single moment of the day. Even though you test the crap out of me sometimes, I know that these little moments are so precious, I feel like they just fly away as soon as they come. You are talking so much these days, you call me mommeh, something you just started calling me out of nowhere instead of mommy. You tell me your favorite color is green, you are a picky eater and touch nothing but chicken nuggets and french fries and the small odds and ends of junk food. You love watching curious George and caillou, you love to jump, it's so cute to watch your little curls bounce up and down. You love your back scratched, and you are learning your abc's and colors, you tell me you are a "big girl" and you want to do most things by yourself. you pee'd in the potty two days ago, your daddy and I are so proud of you!
Kaylin, I want you to know that if your Daddy and I fight, or get mad, just know that we will always love each other, and if anything does ever happen to us, we want you to know how much you mean to us, you are the reason we breathe each and every day. We will do anything we can for you, we will provide for you and sacrifice for you. I hope to teach you so much and hope that you will live for God, be his miracle, tell people about him. I am trying to learn more, I want to be so much better than I was. In life you make mistakes, and that's okay, your going to make tons and tons of mistakes, but as long as you learn from them, and better your life from them, you will be okay. There are going to be people in your life that are going to hurt you, and use you, and take so much from you, but don't let that discourage you. I feel that if you keep smiling and let others see how lovely your soul is, they will see how strong you are, even if you are crying inside, but don't forget to let that cry out sometimes, come to me, or a good friend and let us know how your feeling because you can't keep the hurt inside. Don't let men take advantage of you, I fell in love at 15, and gave him my world, all of it, only to find out 6 years later how wrong he was for me. God has someone special for everyone, don't give in to the first guy who tells you he loves you. YOU are worth more than that babe, you need to have pride in yourself, and save your self for who God has for you, because when you find that man, you will know it, you will feel it more than the first. Love isn't giving yourself to a man, when a man proves himself to you, and wants to give you a life forever, and loves God, and wants what you want, and isn't afraid of a family, or commitment, and works hard for you, does little things that are special to you, remembers your birthday, and wants to know our family...THATS the man God wants for you, and he's out there, I promise...you just have to be patient and wait for him. I truly pray with my whole heart that I will be able to be with you your whole life, but life is uncertain, and with that, I write this just in case I can't. You don't know how scared I am that I won't be able to be there for every little moment you experience, but just know that if I can't be, I will be in your heart forever, I will always be watching over you, protecting you, and guiding you to all the right things in your life. Things happen that we have no control over, and when God calls us home, thats the end, and then we go to live in paradise with God, and there is no fear or hurt in heaven, only happiness and love, and I want you to be happy no matter who leaves your life unexpectantly, cause your Daddy and I gave our lives to God, and that's where we will be. I want to be your best friend, and the best mother I can be, your not always going to get the things you want, and most of the time, I'm going to know what's best, and it's not going to be what you want at that time, but just trust me when I tell you I know what I'm talking about. I hope to be with your Daddy forever, we had you before we were married and it was something I ask forgiveness for all of the time, I don't want you to marry before you are ready, but I want you to find the love of your life, and have a good time in your life before you settle down, and have babies. Your Nana and I and your great grandma Sheila all had kids young, break that cycle, wait..please wait because yes having you was the best thing in my life, but it also was the hardest thing to go through, and I lost ALOT of people that I never thought I'd lose, all because I became a mommy. I would choose it every time because now I have you, but I should have waited, finished school and then planned a life with your Daddy. I made my life so much harder than it had to be. I hurt so many people and made so many wrong choices that I can't take back now, and it hurts me every single day, but I learned, and I grew up, and I now know what not to do, and I am so much stronger from it. You are such an amazing person, I see your beautiful personality, and your smile makes it hard for me to get mad at you. Every time I try to get mad, you laugh at me and I forget why I'm even mad (something you acquired from your dad).
        I love you so much Kaylin Grace, and I am going to try my hardest to do everything I can so you are safe and happy, and successful. I am always going to be there, and I hope you will always be able to come to me when you need that someone to be there, I hope to make you proud, and have your support through everything. You couldn't do anything to make me not be there, I will support you even if you and I disagree, and I will love you forever, even when I am with Jesus in heaven, I will never stop loving you, and that is something I always promise you. Talk to me and your dad, be open with us, and don't be afraid to ever tell us something, because no matter how bad it is, we will get through it. Just let us know! One day I will give this too you and I pray that you will hear all of these things a million times before I do, and I hope to have a big house someday, and lay it on your bed for graduation, or maybe your 16th birthday, I don't know, that's still at least 14 years away, but time is going so fast now, I know that will be here in a heart beat. Don't be afraid to dream, let your heart love, and be a free spirit, help people, and love people, even the ones that hurt you. Jesus gave his life so that you can live, tell others of his grace, live by him, and learn his words, don't get discouraged but be encouraged by all the people that disagree, because they need God more than ever. He is there Kaylin, all you have to do it feel him, ask him into your heart and he will show you. He forgives and he will direct you to the right places as long as you trust in him. Last of all, don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone and do something your afraid of " something not dangerous.." but maybe sing in front of a large crowd, or run in a marathon, or something that gives you those butterflies when you think of doing it. When you do those things, later in life you will be happy that you did them, and it will show the strength within you. I am going to make you financially stable, I just have to learn myself right now, but I will, and we are going to be smart with money, saving and preparing for life in the future. You are going to have a great life, and I will pray constantly that your father and I will be able to show you, and help you along the way. You are a beautiful person, strong willed, a perfectionist, and I can't wait to learn more about you, I look forward to watching you grow, don't ever forget that I'm here for you and most of all, don't ever forget that I love you.

Pete and Josie

Somehow the memories fill my heart and it becomes too much for me. I find myself looking out the window to my life and trying to figure why God placed me in this life. Why everything was so hard, why I had to become who I am because of the crap I had to go through. Was it to make me stronger? Was it to make me become someone or something, because when I look at where I am, I believe with a better childhood and with a better up bringing, it would have only made me better. Maybe this is a question God will tell me through the course of my life. A life would have been saved, more than one at that. I could have been done with my education, I could have grown up smart and happy, with a happy family, but it was taken from me with my dad going to prison, and my mom being broke. I could have been adopted into an amazing family. I haven't seen them since I was 9 or 10 or maybe earlier, but I used to stay with these two wonderful people once in awhile. I think for maybe a year or two, not sure. They couldn't get pregnant, and when my dad took us to church, they were there and somehow, I don't know how it happened. Maybe mom and Dad just needed a break or something, but I started going with them after church, staying maybe weekends or weeks, I don't remember how long, but I have a lot of memories. I remember she loved quilting, and she took me to Johnny Appleseed once, and i remember barbeques, corn fields we would run through and new experiences. Being with them, it was like having a perfect mom and dad all to myself. Its crazy to think it's been so long. I remember I would ask them to adopt me so many times, and the last time I saw them, I remember they met with my dad at a McDonalds and asked him if they could adopt me, and I never saw them again. I remember going with them to meet friends, and going roller blading and bowling, and when they moved, or were building their own house, i remember walking through thick mud to go to the guest house and seeing the structure of their new house. I remember a lot, for it seeming like it was just a short time in my life. It hurts me so much now to finally see them again, and see that they adopted a lot of kids and gave them wonderful lives, and here I am, struggling, not really loving how i grew up and wishing i had had parents like them. I have to stop feeling regret and hurt over my "dad" not letting me go, he loved me, and he made me, how was i too expect him and my mom too just give me away. I never felt like my mom loved me, i never thought she tried, and being with them it felt so nice to just be me, to not have so many responsibilities and to just live my life like i wanted too. I just have to let it go, and be who i am continuing to be.

Update to me

*since it's only me who reads these :)



Today is good, yesterday was better. I am trying to take life one day at a time, looking at the clock less, seeing my beautiful girls smile at least every hour and holding her every chance I get. I've been getting anxiety though, cause of the trouble we got ourselves into. About a month ago our landlord came in and found out we had a few pipes laying around, some old things Andrew had from early on even before he met me. Anyway I'm sure I'll remember the story till I'm old, I don't really have to write it, but he called the police and they came to talk to us the next day saying they were going to issue warrants. Ever since then I've been worried out of my mind checking out the warrant list. It's gotten so bad, I can hardly sleep without having nightmares, and when I do sleep it's not without waking up several times, checking out my window to see if there are police cars outside. Every dream I somehow let someone down. Is this what I'm worried about? Letting someone down. Is it myself, is it Kaylin? Any other dream it's about going to jail or losing everything I hold close to my heart. I also dream of my grandparents house, right now it hits hard in my heart. Every happy memory was there. I think that part of my childhood was so happy because i had no worries being there, well until i had to go home to hell...but being there, being able to go so many places in or outside of that house where I was free to sing or talk to myself, or God. I was able to have a good time, learn and be creative. I was loved there, i didn't have to worry about such things like cleaning or working for something. I was free to roam, make up fake audiences and sing my heart out, I was able to hide and keep quiet and listen in on other peoples conversations in my secret hiding spots. I could go in the kitchen and create a new food, experiment, or make something sweet. I didnt have to worry about lunch or dinner because it was the same time everyday, ready and delicious. I loved crawling into my bed, the sheets so soft on my feet and the bed made every day, smelling of fabric softener and mint and love. I remember waking up to the smell of bacon or french toast, or I remember being sick and sleeping on the couch all day watching tv and having grandma come in hourly to check on me, cover me up, bring me soup and medicine. I remember crawling up on grandmas bed while she folded laundry or checked her blood sugar and laying down on the soft pillows and smelling muscle rub and grandpa's after shave. I remember going in the back yard and stepping on the tree roots that poked out of the ground, or swinging from the swingset that was generations old. I remember taking baths in the bath tub, or getting into grandmas old things in the basement. I remember talking to my grandma every day...she's been my best friend since day one..always on my side. And now in this world...the only happiness I see is in my daughter. But it's soon washed away with knowing she won't ever get to feel the way I did being at grandma's house. I want her to feel like she has that safe place, and I want her to be able to roam free and find little hiding places of her own..in a place that smells beautiful and a smell she will remember the rest of her life. I want her to have that...but she never will because my mom is nothing like my grandma. she didn't even know how to be a mother..and ive got to expect her to be a grandma to my baby. that's what disappoints me...thats what hurts me everyday. thats what I miss everyday...thats the depression that weighs me down..till I feel like i have a cinder block on my chest. She has me...but will i be able to provide something like that for her? Grandma and grandpa are still around..but there memory has gotten bad. and they hurt so bad now days...most of the time they can't even give the smile that I always got as a child. I love them so much, but they are slowly fading away, its as if theyre not even here sometimes. I need them to be here..i need them. I need someone to tell me how to do this right, because i was so young when grandma and grandpa were like they were. I didn't even think to learn the simple things they did. I want to be just like my grandma, she's so strong, and did so much to support her family. She is my hero, along with my grandpa, who is extremely smart and wonderful and the most two amazing people in the whole world. Only the only place that I felt like myself is gone, and sold to people who don't even know the wonderful moments that that house held. the Christmases and the birthdays and the good times and the bad times...it was my world. it was my fairytale, somewhere I could go to get away from my parents and run to the people who knew how to be parents. The only place ive ever felt safe...is gone. i dont know who to be anymore...and the monster i was in my teens, ruined just about everyone who ever trusted me. So now im left with hardly anyone but the small family i have now. this is the thing that depresses me..and to move on with life...to live on my own and try to be like grandma is hard.


I smoked weed because it helped. It took away the pain in my heart. my dad still tries to write me..and hes getting out of prison in two years. I don't even know if gma and gpa will be around then...whos going to defend me..whos going to guide me and  prepare me? I smoked because it helped me sleep..it helped me relax and made me not cry all the time. now that im sober..i feel so scared. im scared of everything. im scared of life, and without it, the depression is starting to control my life. somedays i just cry about everything....and the fear in my chest has made it worse since whats happened lately.

Anyway... Andrew just got a good job. So things are looking up. we get to move back into our house with new carpet and new flooring, but where do we go from there? do we move away and try to find that happiness? Can i be the people who raised me, who gave me a life so good? I wish I knew....

Afraid of working.

I don't know why, ever since I got my new tech job, I've been so afraid of going to work. It's such a good job, and I was completely blessed to get it. I mean I get why I am so afriad, I guess I feel like I don't know as much as everyone else, and the day just takes so much out of me. My back kills by the time I get off and all I want to do when I get off is go to bed, and I work 12 hours tonight and tomorrow..then off three days, work two more days, and off for seven days..and somehow I feel so afraid to go into work. I am afraid because if someone codes, or something happens when I am around, that I may do something wrong. Sometimes I feel like I am in way over my head, and I will never fully learn everything. I need a system, like to write everything down about the day, so I can learn better..but I still dread going into work. I love working with the people, I love the other techs and nurses, but somehow I feel so unprepared for this job, and I have noone really to talk to, in housekeeping..it was my family, and yea i disliked the job, but i didn't mind coming into work. I knew what to do, and the worst possible thing that could of happened to me was maybe being in a room where someone codes...but I wouldn't have to know what to do...but now I have to be fully aware of everything. The patients breathing, and what forms on them, I need to know so much...and I feel like I know nothing. I don't know the names of anything, I have to ask the nurses for everything. I can hardly remember something when someone asks me..I guess I am just not as prepared for this job like I thought I would be. There's so much to do, and sometimes I don't even have time to just sit and chill for a minute without someone looking at me like I'm not doing my job. It's so hard and crazy...and now that the only lady that understood me got fired...the one who had as much to complain about as i did...i feel so alone. like everyone else can do this besides me...i don't know what to do besides pray and wait for my 6 months to come..so i can transfer to another floor that is easier. I know that being on the medical floor is hard because you get every type of patient..and we are constantly full...but gese...why is it so hard for me to grasp onto...am i making this more difficult than it really is? Blah... idk....I keep telling myself it's going to get better as time goes on..but i don't know if I fully believe myself. The good thing is..the days go fast ..really fast. So i don't have time to think about how much I don't know..i just ask for help. I need to pray...God can handle this. He can help me.

Dad

You always ask whether or not I am doing what God wants of me. Am I sinning? Am I faithful to God? Do I believe in God? Of course you always believe the negativity of everything. I'm out doing drugs, I'm living in the street, somehow it's like you believe that because you weren't around, that all of our lives have gone to hell.
        Truthfully, you have no room to talk. We are all sinners, we all do things that we regret. I know, in my heart that you never meant to do to Jessica what everyone believes you did, I believe what mom says. I think you thought it was her that night, and by accident, it happened. It was a mistake, you didn't know. How do I know that? Because out of everything I've gone through with you, out of everything I have come to know all of these years. I've been learning about you, about mom and about God. I've had to go through the memories in my mind, picking about things, why did this happen? What did he mean by this? Why was my dad like the way he was? Why did mom do the things she did? I'm learning, and I feel like I know the truth now. I know your a good person, even if it's taken me years to see it. It has taken me years to forgive you for the childhood that I couldn't have. You sit there in that prison. Maybe you don't know what's going on because I don't write you. Do you think that all of these years I was trying to forgive you? I never knew what to say. I told you I loved you in that courtroom because, you are my father. Whether or not I like it, you are the one who made me. Who gave me life. Would I prefer someone better...yea..I would. But God gave me you. I have to accept that. He does everything for a reason. Reasons I don't understand even..because I don't know why God gave you and mom, Alyssa, because she could have gone to a home that took so much better care of her. Who could afford to raise her into the women she needed to be, but because she is in our family..she is christian. For what she understands of God, she is going to be saved. It took me forever to get that. Why was I your child? Why was I chosen to grow up without a father? Why was I yelled at when things weren't picked up around the house. Why did I suffer when the bills were not paid? Why did I have to learn the hard way through life, wondering why I was suffering because of you and moms mistakes? BECAUSE. it made me strong. It made me believe in a God who forgives. It gave me the most amazing grandparents to show me that life was good, and it could be good. They brought me out of the wreckage. YEA...The ones you blamed everything on? gave me a life you couldn't give me. That tore you down, knowing that we wanted to be there more than we wanted to be home with you, so you lied, and you told me all the lies about them. Them hurting Andrew, about the abuse they did. They never did any of that, they were full of love and kindness. They weren't perfect, but they paid for haircuts, and extra curricular activities so we could live out our dreams. and yet you still blamed them. I would of been living on the streets if it hadn't been for them. God forgives! why didn't you!? God loves! Why didn't you love us enough to want the best for us? even if you couldn't of given it to us yourself. You should have loved them like God loves you!

I admit...I have done things that I am not proud of. I have lived a life that should of been going to hell...but somehow God forgave me for my sin. It took me a long time to forgive myself..but I did. Finally..i surrendered myself to my ever loving God..and I forgave myself. and I forgave you. I forgave you for hurting me when it wasn't my fault. I forgave you for walking around naked through my childhood..the first penis I ever saw was my dad's! I should have never seen that! You abused my mother in front of us kids..yelled at her through the nights so we stayed up and watched you even with school the next morning! We never saw a good relationship because all you could do was argue! You slept while you could have been looking for work! You could of saved money for us to go to college, you could have done so much more than you could have...and you left us without a father...for the rest of my life. I don't even know you anymore...neither do you know me. Because if you did..you wouldn't write me letters saying the things you say. You would trust that you raised me the right way...but you didn't..because you never raised me. I couldn't write you...I couldn't because I was so angry with you. YOU TOOK MY CHILDHOOD AWAY!. You had me digging through garbage bags to find metal for money just so we could eat the next day. You ever hear of Hepatitis or C diff? We could have gotten that from digging through those trash cans...how about pop cans on the side of the road...didn't you ever think of all of the diseases we could have caught? People aren't clean...and we picked up trash from those people! I know this now! back then it was fun because I didn't know what was happening! Was that a good life for us Dad? Was it good seeing you hit my mother in front of us? Or bashing her when she was gone? ......but I forgive you! Because God forgives me! And I hope to God he forgives you!

If you think you are in there..because you touched a girl...your wrong.

You are in there because you ruined the lives of your children. You put us in dangerous situations, bashed the people we love, and had no respect for our futures. As a mom...I now know what not to do as a parent because of you. I will love my child and support her in any way I can. I will work 30 hour days for her because it will better her life that much more. I trust that God has good things going for us..because I believe solely that he can move mountains...

So I pray for you. I pray that you see what your life was..and I pray that you fix who you are. I pray that God lets you remember your past the right way..and I pray that you seek his forgiveness...

I can't promise that when you come out..I will want anything to do with you if you are the man you are today. You are blind to the fact that you think you were a good role model. If you think that shoving my faults in my face..or writing my boyfriend and shoving his faults in his face is ever going to show me that your anything but a hypocrite..then yea..that's true. We aren't perfect..but God made us that way. Kaylin is not your granddaughter because you don't deserve to be called Grandpa. I don't know if you ever will.

I can forgive you..but I will never forget. You changed my life for the better because I have grown so much, I have learned so much. Maybe in the bible it says to use the rod and whip the child...maybe it says to honer your father and mother...but I will never honer a father who accuses me of false pretenses, who thinks my life is condemed because I am unwed and am a mother. Your have many faults..as do I...but I don't need to bring up your past anymore...because I forgive you. 

5 minutes.

I saw you again today..but today was different. You were kind and your smile was breath taking. You looked at me as if you wanted to know more, you wanted more time. It was merely 5 minutes, but I think I fell in love. A little..as anyone could experience love at first sight. I just keep remembering your smile. I wish I had had more time...I've seen you before ..but this time was different. Something clicked...Something about you just made me want to know all about you. Than you told me you were going to be a pastor but also be in the medical field...and i think my heart skipped a beat. Ah that smile! but then I sit there and I think..it could never work. He's probably married, or has 5 children, or something else. This stuff doesn't just happen, but it just doesn't seem like a coincidence. Because right after we talked, I felt something say " see he's a pastor in training".." he would be so much better for you" not those exact words, but like God was answering the questions to my heart. I know that this means something...AND THEN..he came back by me and looked at me and smiled. There has to be something. And I know where to find him...the church i used to go to..sunday..at 530. sigh.... this is nuts. this would never work..i have andrew..and kaylin. Even if it was just 5 minutes...i think his smile changed me for a lifetime. :)