chapter?

I woke up that morning, and before my mind was fully awake, I felt fine. No sooner had I sat up, memories of last night flooded my body. My body convulsed and tears seeped out of my eyes. Warm tears that I felt had never stopped, my eyes felt so tired, I felt tired, but today was a big day, and I had to get ready for school. I managed to get to the mirror, the image of a girl I didn't want to see. Her eyes were dead, as dead as her soul felt. I picked up my foundation and dabbed at the skin under my eye lid, but no matter how much I applied, the darkness under them still remained. You have to do this I eyed myself in the mirror, feeling an explosion in my chest I dropped my head to the sink. After a few minutes of what seemed like endless tears, I pulled my head up, and started to apply the rest of my make-up, knowing it would be useless to put on any eye liner, I pulled up half of my hair into a pony tail and brushed the remaining. I pulled my straightener through it a few times, I knew he would be there, so I had to look like I was okay, no matter how much it was killing me to do so. As fast as I could I grabbed my ear phones and my mp3 player along with my books and headed out of my room. I wanted to avoid everyone I could so I quickly put the buds in my ears and headed towards the front door. "Are you okay" my mom stood at the top of the stairs, but I pretended not to hear her and turned up the volume as loud as I could bear it. It's not like the music I was listening to was the least bit cheer full, but listening to people who felt like I felt, warmed my heart, just a little. I ignored the fact that Evan and I had just walked this way to the bus last week, I ignored the screaming in my head that he would never hold my hand again. That I would never be his...it was too much, but I wiped the tear trying to escape my eye and held it back and continued the three block walk to the bus stop. I can do this...I can do this... I looked up to the light blue cloudless sky..God please let me get through this day..let me feel numb..let him not be there. I promised myself, that I would not let him see me cry, I would not let him see that this was tearing me apart. I looked in the distance to see only the usual people at the bus stop. Thank you...I said to the sky. I gave a slight sigh of relief and walked over to Kayleigh. I turned down the volume and gave her a tiny smile. "I'm very surprised to see you Manda..I didn't think you'd be able to do today." She said to me while I pulled an ear phone out of one of my ears. I turned to see her apologetic eyes staring at me, and I tried to say something back but my voice didn't come, I nodded as tears started to fall. " Don't let him do this to you Manda, you're stronger than this." The bus turned the corner at that moment " I'll be okay" I took in a deep breath of the chilled October air as we all formed a line. I stepped onto the bus without looking up. I didn't want to see anyone, nor did I want to feel anything from anyone at that moment. Evan would be at the next stop if he decided to come to school, I took a seat next to the window and turned up my music and looked outside. There was no way I could see him get on the bus, nor did I want to remember that he wasn't going to be sitting by me. As the bus pulled to the next stop, I had to physically keep my head staring out that window, but my heart wanted so bad to just see him, search his eyes for some reasoning. I turned down the volume but kept my head still, my mind counting the number of people walking onto the bus. One...Two...Three..Four...Maybe he wasn't...Five.  My heart stopped as a bolt of pain rocked my being...he was there. Tears came out of my eyes, and I let them, but I remained statuesque out the window. I felt Kayleigh squeeze my arm, but I didn't care, the damage was already starting, I turned back up the sound until I couldn't feel anything at all. Jojo "Leave Get Out." was just finishing, I pressed repeat.  As soon as I saw the school in view I instantly regretted coming. I knew I could have skipped it, but I had to face reality, and I knew being home alone all day inside my head would have been a very bad idea. Quickly the doors opened and Kayleigh and I got off as soon possible, I walked as fast as my legs would take me to the front door.  "Slow down, he's not even off the bus yet." I slowed my pace "sorry, I just uh.. don't want to see him" a shadow of a sad smile showed on her face "I know", I knew how much this was killing her, but I was hurting to bad to give her a smile back.
The rest of that day hadn't gone any good at all, remembrances of Evan played everywhere. Where he would drop me off for French class and kiss me, meet me before economics to exchange notes and where he would meet me before astronomy right after lunch I would make sure to have a piece of gum every time, something I looked forward to. I kept thinking about why he had walked away from something that had felt so perfect, but than I remembered everything I had found on his Myspace yesterday, and yet wondered what made her so much better than me? Why didn't he have enough guts to tell me only hours earlier, could I have taken it any better then? I felt like a ghost in all of my classes, and at lunch, every single one of my friends had found out by Andi, so they hadn't even bothered to ask why I didn't eat or notice when I put my earphones in to listen to music. In choir, I laid down on the back of the risers, and didn't respond when Mrs. Walsh asked what was wrong with me. Andrea had my back though, and they soon all started to sing the ballad for the competition show that was beginning to start. At least that would be something to look forward to. I remembered the time he came with me to practice, I tried so hard to impress him, as well as a few other girls who needed to be put in their place. He only had eyes for me though, maybe he never loved me? When music was over, Alishia came over and sat next to me, I looked up at her with blurry vision. "Are you okay?" a stupid question to ask but I knew she was just worried. I nodded and turned my head back to the my arm. I remembered the look on Evan's face when we got on the bus that evening. I couldn't find him anywhere that day, he hadn't met with me at any of the usual spots, and I was so upset with him. When I got on the bus, I immediatly sat next to Kayleigh, something I hadn't done in the two months we had started dating. To my surprise, Evan got on to the bus shortly after instead of being there rather early like usual. He looked ahead but as soon as he saw me he took a seat right behind mine. I ignored him. "I wish my girfriend would stop ignoring me" I couldn't help but force a smile. I turned around to face him, "where were you all day?" "Sorry boo, I walked with some other friends today" there was something in his eyes that made me feel uneasy, I knew there was something he wasn't saying, but I quickly ignored it as he shot me a sly smile. He kissed my hand and everything was forgiven. On the walk home, I felt the same feeling, like he was there, holding my hand but not there in spirit. When we got to my house, he didn't just come in like he usually did. "You coming?" he looked up and started walking towards my front door. I took him up to our spare bedroom and undressed, thinking that would make all of this weirdness go away. As we were having sex, his heart wasn't in it, and as soon as he finished, he gave me a kiss on my lips and left. I ignored everything, I ignored the fact he wasn't being Evan, and to that moment, a cry escaped my mouth and my friends swarmed my side. I felt a hand move on my back, and soon the bell to go home, rang. I took off my earphones and gathered up my books. I felt the imprint of a mark on my face and I ran into the bathroom directly outside of the choir room. Why hadn't I seen all of the signs he was trying to show me, I just ignored my gut feeling, and never saw it coming. Why didn't he just tell me, not go off with her? I looked at the figure in the mirror, red eyes, pale face, hair a mess. I smoothed out the loose strands and splashed my face with ice cold water. I didn't notice Andrea was staring right at me.         " Come on babe" she outstreched her hand. I grabbed her hand and squeezed. "Jen told me during gym he was bragging about himself, and didn't even look sad, so Jen told him that the only thing he could brag about was breaking hearts. He's an ass Mandi, he doesn't deserve you." My heart was aching " I really don't want to talk about him right now, not when my mind was on an Evan autobiography. Everyone was dying to reach me, to wake me up from wherever I was, but no matter what they did, I felt like everything inside me was dead. I met Kayleigh at the end of the hall and said my goodbyes to Andi. Kayleigh started to talk about how she saw Evan talking to Kara that day, and I had to block out the words "Kara" from my mind. "Yea" I looked straight ahead, clutching my books tighter to the pain exploding in my chest. I felt so dizzy, my eyes started to water, and I kept asking myself what was it about her, that was better than me? We walked on the bus, Kayleigh looked at me " Okay, go inside and get ready , Mom and I will be over soon to get you for work." no sooner did she get done talking I looked up to someone kick my seat and looked right into the eyes of Evan. His eyes glimpsed mine and anger clouded his vison as he pushed past everyone in front of him and walked to the back of the bus. Tears came freely, I couldn't stop them, I lowered my head onto the books on my lap. My sobs took ahold of me and I felt Kayleigh put her hand on my back. As soon as my stop came up, I quickly got off the bus and walked home. The air was cool, and helped fight back the hot tears stinging my eyes. I wiped them and walked as fast as I could home. I had to push past the pain, but his eyes burned holes in my heart. It really was over, but the pain and thoughts of him, were just beginning.
     At work I was a wreck, and with everyone asking me what was wrong, made me feel even worse. I knew I had to put on a straight face for my job, but nothing I did took away the memories I kept remembering. As soon as I got home, I had felt better than I had all day, between the walls of my own room, not being looked at with sad eyes. I turned on jojo with my computer and put my face on my pillow, which happened to still hold Evan's sweater. I breathed in his scent, and made myself believe that for just one second that all of this had just been a horrible nightmare, and Evan's Instant message would light up my computer screen with an "I love you"... . He had just told me he loved me right before I found out he was seeing her, why did he say it if he hadn't meant it? Or did he just agree, because he hadn't actually said the words I love you. I got up and walked over to my computer and pulled up Myspace. I didn't want to check his page, but every ounce of my being wanted to see if It still said In a relationship on his relationship status, or if I was still first on his top friends. I saw that nothing had changed except for the song, and my heart eased a little. He wouldn't do that to me right? It was too soon, we had two wonderful months together, he couldn't be that heartless. Then again, I never saw this break up coming. I pulled up our last instant message, his telling me not to come over, that he didn't want to talk. I put Rascal Flatts as my song on my page, and got up to take a shower. I got in, and as soon as the hot water touched my tourchered body, I collapsed to my knees. I sat down and let the water run over my face, tears blending in with the drops of water crashing over me. I plugged the drain and let a bath form, as soon as it was as high as it could go, I pushed myself under so I was fully submerged. I opened my eyes, and for the first time all day, my mind felt clear. I quickly resurfaced, and unplugged the drain. I walked over to my bed, his shirt still on my floor from previous nights. I picked it up and folded it, got dressed and walked around my room collecting everything I had of his, or of our time together. That's when I noticed the bottle of ibprofen laying on the counter, I walked over and poured a handful in my hand. I reached for the glass I used to rinse my mouth with after I brushed my teeth, and filled it halfway with water. I stared at the little red pills in my hand, and just as I was about to put them in my mouth, I lowered my hand and put about ten of them back in the bottle, leaving between fifteen to twenty left. I glanced at the instant message on my computer, cupped my hand and threw them in my mouth, without a thought, I took the cup of water and swallowed the pills. I sat on my bed. My subconcious was staring at me with her mouth wide open, but I quickly swatted her away with my thoughts. I just didn't care anymore, anything, anything I could do to take the pain away, was the anything I was willing to do.


        I laid in bed for hours, my eyes burning for relief. My mind kept going, I couldn't get away from the thoughts, the hurt. The medicine was kicking in, I picked up my mp3 and a hoodie and went outside. I found Keith Urban "You'll think of me" and started walking, I walked until I came to his street. I am not a stalker... my subconscious put her hands on her hips and gave me a wry look. I stared at the stop sign, he would walk me halfway home sometimes and leave me right here at this sign. Tears came again, but I quickly wiped them away and started walking back home.
     

My thoughts.

I don't always wake up and wish to be in this world. Sometimes I know it would be easier to be up in heaven with God, because I could do so much more I feel, if I was there. There are times I don't want to be a mom, and I wish I could crawl back into bed and ignore the screaming and crying and never wake up. Other times I wish I could do more, I could be there more, and I've never felt happier with my daughter in my arms. Sometimes i feel like my sole purpose in this world is to raise this child up right, and I'll never be happier. I wish I was nicer, I wish I was more organized and put together. I wish I could wake up with a routine, do my hair up nice, put my make up on perfectly. I wish I had the house clean when Andrew gets home, Kaylin all bathed and dinner on the stove. Other times I cry because I want my past, I want my grand parents to be in the next room, in their old home, where happiness was abundant and life was nowhere close to perfect, but I had my safe haven. Sometimes I don't want to be sorry for things I say, and there's quite a bit I have to hold back. Sometimes I look into my patients eyes and feel no ounce of remorse for them, other times I feel like their sadness rests on my heart. Sometimes the pain in my back hurts so bad, no matter what anyone says to me, I just don't care, and I just want to crawl in an empty hospital bed and have someone care for me, worry about me, let me rest! If I could just sleep for a day, or two, or have a few days to be me, to do what I want to do. Absolutly noone that I know, will ever understand how much I just need a break from being a mom. Sometimes I crave it, and mentally I know I really need it. Other times I don't feel like you could pry me from my daughters arms. Most days I hate my family, I hate my past, I hate how I grew up, and who I became. Maybe God knows why I am who I am, but I never will. I'll never know why he put me in a life without a father who could help me grow, without a mother who can support me mentally and physically, or who could bring me up as a respectable person. I don't know why he made me spend most of my childhood raising my handicapped sister, or being mentally and physically abused by my father. Today it seems very little to what some people go through, but I could have been so much better, had I had a little more. Had I have had younger grandparents to atleast be there with me as I grew into an adult. I'm losing them soon, and with my moms mental problems, I don't have many people to turn too. Sometimes I wish people could see that I'm despertaly crying out for help, someone...anyone. I have so much, and have worked with so little, and I don't feel I have came very far. Maybe mentally I'm more aware, but I messed up so much in my past, I feel I will spend forever making up for my mistakes. The mistakes I made because noone told me how to do it right. Not even grandma and grandpa...or maybe I didn't listen. Sometimes I feel so very alone, I forgive to easily...I let people get away with destroying my heart..and letting them right back into my life. I don't understand why I'm here.... I am so lost.  

Give me time.

I thought I needed you, a lot. I never understood you, nor did I want to, because somehow I thought that would mean you were pushing me out. Its been awhile now, and I've had to grow without you. As much as i always thought that it would destroy me..I feel like it has healed me. I have learned so much about myself. I have had to think about what I like, and what makes me happy. I've had to put pressure on myself, and learn what responsibility is. I'm not saying it's easy without you, but the hurt is finally gone. The need for you is healed, and my mind is back to thinking that I'm better off. You own a spot in my heart that I can't cover up. It's always going to be there. You were right, I depended on you way to much, and now that dependance is on a higher power. I was lost in a whilwind of hurt and distruction, I made it my mission to hurt everyone that came into my life, all because I was hurt myself. I'm not saying I'm completely fixed, but I feel better. I feel happy, and I feel like I can live my life without you now. I can grow up, and do what I want with the people I've made a part of my life. I have tried so long to come to terms with it, but God and my family have given me so much strength and perserverence that I am finally able to live my life, without the pain of not having you there. I thank you for the love and guidence you have given me. I still want you there more than ever, but only if it's Gods way. I'm trying to find my way, and I'm happy I can finally rely on myself this time.

Better.

If I had a friend. A real friend...a friend who actually listened to me, a friend who wanted to know about my life as well as theirs. It seems like few people actually think about others ahead of themselves. When I am myself... It's like I'm not accepted. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know what makes me happy...I don't know what I enjoy. I don't even know what happiness is anymore, I feel trapped in a small box. Even though I'm free..my soul feels trapped. I just need to be out somewhere..any place other than here. My soul wants a breath of fresh air...I'm so afraid of everything. What if I never make it..what if I lose everything...what if I never accomplish anything. I'm a loser...I'm not smart..I'm not pretty or beautiful...I'm just a nothing. Not a good mother..not a good person. I don't care about half the things I pretend to care about. I love my little girl so much, but I don't feel I deserve her. I really don't. My truest of true feelings. My heart hurts so bad because she is so beautiful..so full of life and love and she is so freaking smart...I just can't seem to believe it was me that taught her most of that. I know this is a horrible blog right now...but my depression is getting the best of me...and I'm really leaning towards grabbing that bottle of vodka in the freezer and drinking until the feelings are gone. Although this does seem to be helping. It makes me sick to my stomach the things i think about sometimes...I know I'm not a horrible person...but why do these feelings resurface time and time again? Why are all of my dreams sad? Why do I feel so trapped?
     I got nothing done this weekend...no laundry..hardly any dishes..and now its going to be sunday. Blah... I keep praying that God will clean my mind. You know what...If I could just be at peace in my mind...for a day....think of nothing....it would be like so great..so nice. I am always thinking...and I am so freaking tired of it. I don't want to think...good..bad...whatever..I just want it to STOP! Everything crushing my insides..crushing my spirit. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel...i feel like im drowing...and I can't breathe...I just can't catch a breath. I need to feel something other than failure..other than torture...I have such a negative mind...I'm so sick and tired of hearing how much my life sucks..how sucky life is. I need to be around someone who understands me...someone who can lift me up..someone who I can truely truely talk too....someone who will listen to me and tell me what to do step by step. I can't live without a guide to tell me step by step what to do and which ways to go. I need help on how to finance my life...I need someone to push me to go to school..someone to push me to lose weight..someone to push me to get up in the morning..to be organized..someone to motivate me...to love me...I wish so bad that I had decent parents. You know how freaking alone I feel sometimes. My mom is so stuck in her own depression...my dad is in prison and has completely lost his mind..and my poor grandparents are slowly getting older and i feel like i had no help in this life. Sometimes it makes me just want to ask God to send me to heaven already because i just can't live anymore. I would never hurt myself...but i just dont feel like living. I have horrible excruciating back pain all of the time..migranes every other day . I get kidney stones and the most horrible horrible cramps...who would want to live with all of that each and every day? On top of that..I live with my mom..have no savings and we've been here a year..our car is slowly breaking down...Kaylin my poor baby girl will grow up not even having a decent house to live in. I've been looking for a house to rent but the more i think about spending 700 a mo. on a house the more i just wanna stay at moms till we can pay off our debt, and trust me...my moms house has fleas and she has so many cats the house always smells bad. ..My dream of moving out feels like it will never happen. Our credit sucks...and blah blah blah. You know how much I hate complainers...and yet my mind is constantly complaining. what do I need to do God? Tell me please.... Why is everything so freaking hard? I keep waiting and waiting for it to get better..but it just never does.

A better person.

I can say I am better. I can say I have learned, or I have grown up and I am more responsible or more compassionate for others. The thing I hate most about myself are the things I continue to do all of the time. I never learned to be good with money. Now I have ruined every chance I've had with just about everybody. I have borrowed from people and never paid them back. I have mooched off of people who weren't even standing on two legs themselves, I have ruined my credit, and made myself look like a horrible person, all because I never learned to be organized with my finances. I guess thats all apart of growing up and stuff, but it seems now that it just gets so much worse every day. I have been living with my mom for a year now, and I guess I've just lost track of time that I kept saying I'd start paying her, and never did. I have completely left her in the dust, while i tried to rebuild myself. I guess I feel like, I never was raised right. I never had the chance to learn everything about that stuff like other people did. I have messed up so freaking much in the past three years, it has put me in a hole I just can't seem to crawl out of. It just gets bigger and bigger and I never learn. I have put blame on my mom so much because she was never there for me when I was young. I feel like I was rejected when I was little, so i still feel like she owes me something. Thats not being grown up though, thats not being the bigger person and being a mature adult. I have so much to learn, I just pray that God makes me into that person, who is responsible and organized. I can't keep blaming my mom, or my dad for my bad decisions as an adult, I have to grow up, start my life, and take responsibilty for who I am and what I do with my life.  

money..money..money...

Is money really the root of all evil, and if money shouldn't mean much to you or control your life..then why cant i get away from all of these money problems. Why is money always the answer to all of this sadness that dwells in the pit of my stomach? I hate money..i hate that you always have to have it for everything...and everyone  around you always needs it, and people die because of it...and depression evolves because of it. let me tell you...i am currently five hundred dollars negative in my bank account..andrew will be laid off for two weeks starting next week..and although i start my full time schedule for work in a week...we are still being charged 7 dollars daily in this account...another 32 dollars every week from another 90 being taken out weekly...so add that up. 49+32+90= around 170 a week...so in another two weeks thats another 510 dollars its going to cost...andrew wont have a paycheck and on  top of that...  i owe 90 every two weeks..and a 70 dollar weekly car payment...it just never ends...either will this depression...no house..and you would think s would include a house but it doesnt...how will we get through this jesus? how can this get any better?