Lost promises.

I wanted it to be you. I begged for it to be you. I suffered greatly, put up with the pain and the constant fighting. Put up with the let downs and the continued threats and ever constant emotional turmoil you kept me in. I loved you, and kept you close to my heart, because as hurtful as you were, i felt like you were the only one who could really care for me and our child. I cowered in fear as your anger grew and let you throw your words at me, i let you come to me and use me afterwards, as if sex could ever undo the damage and scars that you have created. Still yet I fought for you, i ignored my creator because i knew he wanted better for me, i fought against my family so they couldn't see what a monster you really were, i let you build a wall between all i ever knew, and let you take me halfway across the country, to make you happy, to let you know how much I was willing to let go for you, and yet you still have ruined every beautiful thing I ever held dear about myself. I now draw up my guard as a security blanket every time someone looks my way because i don't feel good enough, you have plucked my flaws out one by one and shown them to me in detail, you have pushed me away every time i reached for your hand and told me to grow up. I'm never enough for you, when i have done everything for you. I once was a beautiful woman, and now I'm nothing but a ruined child. I've lost my way in a sea full of people and because of you, have no one to show me the right path. You have hurt me for so long, and yet I still want to run back into your arms and give up. I used to have so much hope for you, and now you leave me with nothing but feelings of despair. You act so tuff, but on the inside your nothing but a coward, because you break others down just so you can feel inferior.
I prayed so hard for you, and I feel like my prayers go up into thin air. I know God is somewhere out there, but maybe I have ignored him for too long for him, maybe he truely has given up on me. Why wouldn't he when maybe I have given up on myself. I used to have so much fight in me, and all of that has turned into sadness. Sadness because I have let a man turn me into something that I never wanted to be.
     I wanted so badly for you to be that man, but it was all an act before. You just pretended to be that so that I could fall deeper into your arms, into your black hole of a heart. Now the pain of letting you go is so great, there is so much at stake, and I can't just walk away like before. Now there is so much more to it than that. I need God more than I ever have before, and i don't even know how to talk to him. I don't feel like he even listens anymore. I want to blame you...blame you for letting me lose sight of who I was, but what would that solve? I just need to know what to do now...

holding stronger than ever.

This man... Has been my rock and my heart, through so much of my life. I don't need anyone else's approval for him, because I approve of who he is. He is proof that we all grow, we can all learn to love, and we can become better , if you let yourself. He is my definition of true strength, and he isn't afraid to fight for who he loves. He is tuff, but he has shown me more about myself than I have ever known. There have been a lot of ups and downs with us, but through each trial in our lives, we some how manage to overcome it and learn from it. I learn more about myself everyday because he challenges the part of me that never feels strong enough, and he turns me around to face it, and overcome it. I couldn't get through life without him being there. He gets me, without even having to ask. He respects me for me, he listens, and he makes himself understand even when it doesn't make sense to him. I've never loved someone so head strong, but I have never felt more love for him than I do now. The best thing about us, is that we have a common ground. He never let's me turn away when I'm upset, and even if he doesn't know what to say, he will just listen and be there. He is my complete other half. I know a lot of people judge him for who he is, but we are all human, we all mess up, we all go through life's trials..but I know that God uses those times, so that we can help others going through the same thing. We aren't perfect, and we would never claim to be. I love Andrew for who he is.. And the great person I know he wants to be. I am confident in being by his side for the rest of my life, holding his hand, walking through the worst and enjoying the best. Here's to you babe, to what's came, what's coming, and what's yet to come. Forever and always... <3

losing hope.

So is this finally it? Have I finally hit the point where I want to leave Andrew? So much has happened...and we've been so far apart for so long..I feel so empty..so vulnerable...so broken.
I want to crawl in a hole and bury myself in whatever I can find to hide myself from the pain, and from everyone who asks questions.

Why does this have to be so fricken hard?

Because he's the father of my child?
I just want a normal life..I want a normal day where he's at work, comes home to me. He prays with me, abides by me, loves me and would do a lot for me, a man who fights for me and tells me the things that only I would know. I wanted that in Andrew...so bad. In fact I want him to be this perfect man..but he's not..not even close. I can't expect him to be..but why does he have to be so far off? Why can't I have a happy ending? Life is always hard...and instead of talking to God... I just stay quite...I don't know what to say. Its like I know what he wants..but I'm afraid of disappointing him again...and I just go through the motions of life because I'm not worthy of Gods grace...not when I can't even listen to him. I feel like I'm worthless..and too broken for repair. I don't want to live anymore... I never thought I would feel like this again..but here I am..again...going through the motions of this life. I don't know where to go from here...please god help me...

IMO.

You know what's funny. The fact that most people, who don't believe in Jesus, get so mad, almost furious when anyone tries to speak truth into their lives. Am I biased because I was raised Christian. Any athiest would believe, because I was brought up in a Christian home, it is completely obvious that it was shoved down my throat growing up and that I never got the chance to find out on my own, who I am and what I should believe in. I have an uncle who is atheist, he loves to discuss Christianity and why he believes that I was brainwashed into believing it. I was raised in a loving, caring, non abusive home, full of people who had respect for others, who believed that Jesus was Lord, full of different cultures and families because of adoption.
God IS love, life IS all about following Jesus. That's what the Duggars do. They follow God. They pray, they follow what is right. They are polite, helpful, caring individuals...maybe because their parents have instructed them to do so...but isn't that what a parent is? Teaching your children to do right? Keeping them from harm, and showing them the light that you can be, in this dark and cruel world?
I also don't see why everyone is so full of hate for people who look for a purpose in this life. EVERYONE is. A true believer in Christ isn't going to push Christ down your throat. They will simply follow Jesus's ways, be like him, and that in return makes other people want to be around them, and or like them. I have gay friends, I love my uncle, and I run into people all of the time ..who don't believe in Jesus. I don't preach to them, I don't freak out on them and tell them they are going to hell, but if they ever did come to me with a problem, you better believe my answer to it would be to find out who Jesus is. This world will eventually get worse, and believing in something that is good, and teaches you to forgive the people that hurt you, to help the needy, and to obey the two people who brought you into this world...what's so bad about that? My dad brought me up Christian..and then he ended up going to prison for raping my friend... how could I be brainwashed..when I grew up seeing wrong from the start. My grandparents brought me into their home and showed me who Jesus truly was. I still rebelled and had an abortion at a young age...I don't agree with Bill Gothard's teachings entirely..but what the Duggars seem to be doing, I only wish I could have grown up knowing that way. Having a husband who isn't abusive, who can work for his family, and marrying someone I would never want to divorce.... look at America and tell me who those people are...because there isn't a lot of them. I know everyone is entitled to an opinion...but everything is always over thought. Everyone tries to take the "different" way. You don't want to be like everyone else....well who does? So everyone is Christian? Well it takes a whole lot more to become a Christian than to just claim it. You must follow God's way...it IS the right way. You wouldn't see a Duggar murdering someone..or raping someone. They do what is good, and honorable. This world isn't permanent...its a stepping stone into heaven...and it's not our job to make an atheist go to heaven. Though it is our job to show people what Jesus is all about...and I'm not perfect..I sin just like everyone else...but if I can be even 1% like Jesus....I will have done what I was put here to do.

What I would do...

How come....when you make a mistake in your past, it always follows you?
My first boyfriend/first time/ first love.... followed me for 6 years
My credit/eviction/bad rental history from 5 years ago...makes it impossible to rent/buy anything now.
My dropping out of college in 2011.... disqualifies me from any financial aid now..3 years later


Long story short.... It's like I have ruined my financial future, by stupid immature mistakes I made when I was 18/19.
I have learned so much, gained so much knowledge of credit, and money, and saving, and responsibility in the past 3 years, that I have had my whole life.
My mom never mentioned credit, my grandparents never informed me what was to come, didn't have my dad, and it's like no one told me what to do. I am so lost...I keep telling myself to give it all to the Lord, but there is so much to decide... do I file bankruptcy? I am about 12000 in debt, and I know that would never get paid if I don't file. I would have to start paying back 2 huge payments right away, all by myself, because Andrew is for sure filing bankruptcy. I have 3,000 in medical debt that I'm not even sure is accurate. Our savings are constantly fluctuating ....Andrew just bought a stupid hunting gun for 300 dollars, and doesn't even freaking realize, that in order to just try to find a nice home for rent, we are going to have to have at least a couple of months down. We are going to need money to put down on electric, and gas. It's like he doesn't get it.

I am so freaking lost, I just don't know how Jesus is going to unravel all of this. Will he continue to make me learn everything the hard way? Will he love me enough to provide me with a good life? I just want to know....I just want the answers. I need him to speak to me, to show me, to let me understand that he's not going to lead my life, like my moms. I have faith in Jesus...I just need the answers soon.

feeling lost.

This dream...again and again...wakes me up feeling heartbroken. Just feeling a mans love, knowing he would ultimately do anything to make me happy. Want what's best for me, wants me as his and his alone. Loves everything about me, even the bad. Could help me abide by Gods rule, and not have sex before marriage. Respects me, and loves and keeps God to the most importance. Why do I keep dreaming of this? Why can't I have this? It hurts so much to wake up to real life, to realize that the dream was really only a dream.
Andrew loves me, but in what way? In a way that's comfortable for him. The only way he knows how. I love experiencing things with him, he IS my best friend. I DO love him...but in a way that only makes me comfortable? Are we really afraid to see what else is out there, that we could be keeping each other away from someone like I mentioned above. I know he doesn't have that with me, nor do I. We constantly put each other down, when we should do the exact opposite. We fight sometimes for days, we don't respect eachother as Kaylin's parent. He doesn't agree with how I raise Kaylin, and that's what we fight most about. We fight about money, about him not showing me love. For some reason, something is missing. I know there is someone out there who would do more and who could be the person I keep dreaming about. I haven't been able to look for long, and I jumped right at the first chance I had to having a long lasting relationship. Now I'm going to marry a man I'm not sure about? I'm going to give my life to him, in front of God and our church? Am I making a huge mistake? I don't think God would let me dream about something so intense and warming like this dream was. In the long run, I know Andrew is going to have a ton of health issues. I know I'm going to have to care for him, that's not what scares me. What scares me is that he will be mean and bitter and disrespectful his whole life, which in ends time will make me hurt, and lost and depressed.
What do I do? What did I get myself into? Why couldn't my father have been here to show me, to help me? A father not like my own, but a good one who could have guided me, and loved me appropriately. Why couldn't God send me a man unlike all of the ones I've known, and guide me to a man that he knows will give me his all. I feel so broken. I feel like it's going to be too late very soon. I will pray, I will ask God to not let me go through this if it isn't what is best for me. I want to be happy, in love and guided by a strong man. I want to be happy......I just want to be happy.

Helpless.

The days when you stare out the window at the flurries of snow that never seem to quit falling. When you think you have finally found a missing piece to your puzzle, but God pulls out another million pieces and says "nope, not that one". When you look back at old childhood friends, friends that once meant something to you, and had "your back" through all of the chaos, to find out they want nothing to do with you now. When money runs tight, and bills still multiply. When the world disagrees with what's right, and the one you love, and hold highest in your heart, is something the world chooses to ignore. What can you do about it... How can you change the circumstance?
What I think is perfect, isn't what God's perfect is.

I know this, but the waiting game for spring to come, and for a great and decently priced home to just pop up, and for the hurt in my heart from the friend who could care less, to go away, and the bills to be paid with exceptional money, and standing up to not support what America supports, but to support what is right by Jesus's standards, and to stand up for him amongst a billion of people screaming at you saying your wrong.... 

When you pray, and feel like no one is listening.

I know Jesus is here.... I just have to pray.

Change my mind.

Back and forth and back and forth. I'm in love, I'm not, I want more, I want less. Can I ever just be happy???  Like truly sweep me off my feet happy? Am I just marrying Andrew because it's been so long? Because I feel like we obviously aren't going to break up...so why not get married? And right when I get majorly excited about having a wonderful wedding and nice country life with him, he grows cold and brutally mean and hurtful. His words hurt me more than he will ever know. It's like it's always a competition with him. He's always placing the blame, making me lose every inch of love I'm feeling at that moment, which makes me want to scream. Why does it have to go from great to horrible? I want to be with him, and love him, and treat him well...but how can I if we are so back and forth all of the time? Did I just agree to marry him because he's the first real relationship I've ever had? Am I making a huge mistake...? I don't want to waste years and years of my life if I know that this moment is where it all happened?  I could change everything in a second... I could tear my life apart...split up kaylins time between us and be on my own...living with my mom, and going back to school. Or I can plan this wedding, find us a home, and make this ...real. I wish God could just show me his way.... Oh Jesus...don't let me regret this decision...let me for once choose what's right...                       Let your will be done .... Please let it be done no matter how hard it may seem. 

A butterfly that is about to spread her wings.

That moment...when you finally realize that time doesn't stand still. The seasons come and go, and life may remain similar for years and years, but the people you grow to love with all of your heart, are growing older.
The person who taught you how to read and took the time for you to grow to love books, and the one who hummed a hymn every second of each day even if she was in the worst of moods. That person who gave you that knowing smile, that she knew you were up to something. That person who you go to in the middle of the night, who tucked you back into bed with a prayer and a kiss and didnt leave until your fast asleep. That wonderful person who was your best friend in life, who got you through most of the challenges of middle and high school. Who listened to every single story, and lesson, and problem you could ever go through, and actually listen. That person who bathed you and dressed you, and made sure you got tucked into clean sheets, every night and were warm and fed and loved. The one who was always around, even if you didn't know it. The one with stories, and happy memories, and the person who is the true meaning of love.


That person... is my grandma.


It's so hard to realize that through my whole life, even though I've really tried to prepare myself for it, and knew it was coming... it's just so hard to let her go.
It's so hard to keep living knowing that my best friend isn't going to be there anymore. My hero in every nightmare my mom or dad put me through as a child, and the one who gave me everything she had, and took so little in return. She is my hero....and always will be.


I pray God take her up to heaven, and let her flourish with everything shes lost with age. Let her pain stop and let the smile come back, that smile I remember as a little girl.
Grandma...you are absolutely everything to me...but when you know that being up in heaven is better than life here on earth for her...I realize that if I truly love her...I need to let her go.

I pray God helps me let her go, and be at peace with knowing she will finally be with our savior Jesus!

Help me through this Lord...please help me. 

Anything.

Anything would be better, than feeling how I feel right now. 

Today.

There's no hiding it. This feeling, it's so raw, it cuts into me, releasing the hurt and antagonizing feeling that I'm trapped, that I'm suffocating mentally. I can't feel my heart...I know it's in there...but these days, like today, completely make me feel like a nothing of a person. I don't feel love being released or accepted. I don't feel happy.
I sat in church today, and tried so hard to feel his presence. To feel like he hears me, to feel his love surround me, like normal. Though I know he's here, I feel like I'm in a dark place, and I see nothing. I'm scared, that's an understatement...I am terrified of days like these. Where I feel like I've wasted such a long time, staying in a place where I'm not happy. I'm not proud of myself, I don't want to be with anybody, hear anybody, I don't feel anyone could understand me at this point. I don't even understand me. I can only hope and pray that God is listening, he is right by my side, holding me up, telling me to not be afraid, to trust in him. I can do this...I can move forward with my life...I can forgive myself...I can make myself happy....with his help. I don't have to be angry with myself that I haven't started college. I don't have to question my relationship..and wonder if he's truly who I want to be with...I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANY OF THAT....because he has me here for a reason. He wouldn't have me here if it wasn't in his will. I am scared....but with God....I know he won't leave me like this. because...




He is with me.



Always.

Let her free.

Some days, I just want that breath of fresh air. To run in a field and finally take that deep breath that right now I feel would make me feel a hundred times better. I want to feel the grass in-between my toes, lay down and watch the puffy clouds pass by. I really hope that's what heaven is like, just the knowing you have so much space, and freedom, and to watch something so lovely just pass you by. I know I could spend eternity doing that, as well as having the people you love near by. To watch the trees sway, and too smell the flowers through the air, the scent of freshly cut grass, the sun shining down but the wind blowing slightly so the temperature is just right. I want to run until I can't run anymore, bare feet... in a dress... with my hair blowing everywhere.

Sounds so simple, at least in the summer, but it's not. There's never that perfect place I can feel who I am. I feel so suffocated in my mind, and in my soul. There's so much stress, and anger, and hurt clouding my being right now.

Having grandma and grandpa's house was just like that. If only I could have somewhere like that again, maybe I could feel whole again. I could figure everything out, and think clearly. Maybe I wouldn't feel so depressed and worn out, If I could just breathe....

Patience is key, I suppose....

Four years.

When I think of you, my throat tightens. My heart freezes, and it takes a minute for me to remember that I still deserve to breathe. That I still deserve to hold my other baby girl, and have her so beautiful and lovely in my arms.
When I think of you, the tears come from a place that I like to keep hidden, and it hurts so deep inside.
I love you, and I don't remember you enough, because the pain of letting you go so easily is not easy for me to remember. My life will always be incomplete without you, my heart will always be broken.

Permanently.

But I feel as though I deserve it. I know how highly loved you are in heaven, and how Jesus smiles at you when you dance from his throne, and when you giggle, and how incredibly smart you must be.


I want you to know that I love you more than all the stars in the sky, all the sand on the beaches, all the air on the earth, every atom that takes up this world. I love you so much, and my heart cries out for you every time I breathe.

You WERE worth it, you DID mean something. I was just too young to care, to young to think, to hurt to love who I was, and If I didn't love myself, I didn't know how I was going to love you. I was so utterly wrong, so stupid, and selfish and ignorant, and blind to know what was right.


Whatever you are, girl or boy, I know you are beautiful, I know you are perfect in every single way that God made you. Please forgive me, I want to deserve to still be called your mother. I wish for you to see my hurt, to see how broken I am, I don't care how bad it makes me feel, for you to see how much I wish you were here with me, your dad, and your sister. You have a permanent place in my heart, and someday soon, Grandma and Grandpa will be there to see you. To love you like they did me. I hope they give you every ounce of love like you deserve. I will always think of you, I will always be your mother... you will forever be in my heart.

depression.

I don't get how it happens. Why do we get depression? I always knew my mom had it, and I always thought it was something that could be fixed by doing something that made you feel better.
I never ever thought it was this uncontrollable sadness, over anything! All the stuff you worry most about, just surrounds your thinking in an instant, you feel like nothing is worth it, nothing is going to get better, and that life isn't worth living.
     Like today, I was talking with this older couple at work about her brother who just died, he had congestive heart failure and got really sick and died at 76. My heart just dropped. My grandpa is 86 and has that, and does so much, one day it's just going to kill him. So as I got home, it just hit me how much losing grandma and grandpa is going to hurt. I know they are in so much pain, that knowing they wouldn't feel that anymore would make their souls happy, but losing the people who raised me, loved me, and cared about me more than my own parents, is tragic. It's horrible. No one understands because when you lose your grandparents, it's something that happens. Losing my grandparents, is like losing my parents. I don't have many people there, not many who put your life in front of their own, not many who would drop everything and come help you in an instant. I feel so lost, and broken inside. I need them so much, I need them like I need a mom and dad. I have so many flashbacks of growing up at grandma and grandpa's. The happiness, the love, the freedom, the care and comfort. Will I ever feel that again? Can I ever provide that for my own daughter? Grandma and Grandpa's is like my safe place, when I'm hurt, tired, in pain, or need someone to talk to, that's where I go. It's like a reset button to my soul, a place I can sit, refresh my heart, and go on with life. Where do I go when their not there? When will I ever feel loved like they loved me?


Depression sucks. It's horrible, and it makes you feel like nothing is good, when everything may very well be okay. My life is good. I love my life, I love the possibility of my future, and what it all holds.

But.

when depression clouds my brain.... nothing is ever good enough.

Right now.

Kaylin is all toddler right now.

She brings in her potty cup from her potty chair and not even knowing if it has anything in it she sets it on my bed, and as I finally notice what it is after staring at it out of the corner of my eye. I scream, and she laughs.I tell her to take it back in the bathroom, and she yells "no no no no!" and in the midst of my yelling a freaking out, I realize that all of this..is getting me nowhere. I automatically grab the potty cup and put it back in place in the bathroom...walk over and sit on my bed. "Kaylin...look at me" she is squirming and yelling "NO!" I pick up her hands and say " That's fine, I will wait right here until you look at me" and she tossing and turning with her head in the sheets. I finally see her peak up at me, her beautiful eyes pleading. "Kaylin, you can not take your potty cup out here, it's full of germs and we could get sick. All you need to do is dump it in the potty and put it back." of course she's asking "Why mommy..why..why why why?" and all I can think to say is.."Because I said so, and what mommy says..goes".

My thing is here, that before I lose it...I want to take more times to just take a breath, and talk to her. Of course she didn't know not to take it and set it on our bed, of course she didn't know. When I was young I would have been spanked for that. All I can say is...I need to remember, that yelling gets us absolutly nowhere. I know that's what i had to grow up with, but that's not who I have to be.

It seems like lately everything is "why" with her..." Why this, and why that". Most of the time she asks, it's hard because I don't really know how to explain the answer. Sometimes I make things up, sometimes I just tell her the truth, knowing she won't understand it. I know being a mom, doesn't mean you have to get everything right. All I can say is I'm learning, I'm trying to be all I can be for her, because she deserves it. I once had class with someone who said that we parent like our parents.

I don't believe that. I even took offense to it when she said it. If you try very hard, catch yourself, and learn about the things they did, and what you feel they didn't do the right way, then you can make yourself into who you need to be for your kids. I am my own...and I won't get everything right, and yes I may make some of the same choices as they did, but it doesn't make me like them. For I will show love with everything I do, and that's something that they couldn't do for me.

Every day I learn something new, and I am so blessed to have what I have.  

Dreamer.

She's a dreamer, a believer, a heart pulled through wreckage receiver.
She holds back her pain, she holds back her voice.
She chooses her path, not always making the right choice.
Torn down, built up, she's stronger than she thinks.
new mind, new soul, a change as fast as she blinks.
She's bold, she's brave, she has the courage, she has the time.
There's excuses, there's hope, there's a whole new mountain to climb.
There's faith she doesn't see, there's love she's never known.
Her soul belongs to him, her mind to her own.
She has the heart of a drifter, but the pace of a stone,
she's looking for a place that she can call  her home.
She has so much to live for, but so much she does not see.
Though perfection surrounds her mind, a perfection she'll never be.
A wars been waged, a sea of hurt,
her trust's been broken and kicked in the dirt.
She's a lover, she's a fighter, she's a dreamer on her own,
She's tries, with goodbyes, her faith is set in stone.
Don't dismiss her, cause you'll miss her,
she running out of time.
She's ready, and she's willing,
her honesty will shine.
So let her dream, and let her go,
let her find a piece of her own.
Let her love and let her try,
let her live and let her die.
She's ready for a new path, a new direction, a new life.
So let it be, you will see
she'll be ready to be your wife.  

To run or to hide

I feel the familiarity of all this. In highschool I couldn't stand Darrin, he was trying to be a father figure, but there was no love in his words. I don't know what is worse, the fact she has never cared about her kids feelings and only her own, or having the tension in the house just because he's here. I feel the heaviness of his hatred, just like I can feel people's feelings. He has no love for any of us, I'm sure if mom didn't have any kids, he would have married her in a heart beat. I'm ready to get out of here, she is nothing like me, minus all of the migranes,depression, and back pain, we couldn't be any more different. I love her, because she is my mother, but I don't love her for being my mom. It hurts me so much for her to say that she helped me learn to read, or that she tucked me in at night, or provided for me, or even loved me or showed me love. If she did, I remember none of it. I remember crawling into bed with grandma and grandpa, I remember them making sure my hair was cut, my clothes fit and were clean, i had a clean bed to lay in, they held me when I didn't make the professional dance class, and celebrated when we were able to go to north carolina with the kids who kept their grades up. They helped me explore and learn, and love. They made sure I got to enjoy extracurricular activities, have friends over, and they celebrated every birthday with my favorite dinner and a cake. It was them I remember, they loved me to make sure I was happy. Their house was always my safe haven, never at my moms. I remember one time i stayed with mom because of dad's orders and i ended up going to school with cat pee on my sweatshirt that I had never noticed. I remember looking forward to lunch time because their was nothing in the fridge for breakfast. I remember begging my dad to let me go on a trip that everyone was going on, but he had refused both times. I remember the fights and abuse that went on in our home, and how my eyes begged for social services to see that the "clean" house she was looking at was because I had stayed home from school all day to clean it and it was a last minute fight to make sure it was just right for her. Truth is..I wanted her to see how messed up everything was...but she never did. I wanted to show her the bruses on my legs from my dad, I wanted her to hear my stomach growling because of the lack of food in it. I wanted her to see how mom wasn't like this normally, and she was usually up stairs in her bedroom sleeping. She never did though... and its been so hard to forgive her for all of that. Now she's a lot better, but the bruises on my heart will always remain. My heart is forever broken from trying to grow up without parents to look up too. I just have to move out, and make sure I don't make the same mistakes with my children. I have to get passed the hurt, so I can have my own happiness. I have to get out of her house.

My addiction.

I was addicted once. Where going to his home was something I'd fight myself over, emotionally. I'd fight my mind to the death, tell myself it was the last time, and a few weeks later I'd catch myself slipping out of my bedroom window...blocking out the consequences with my music. Just one more time. I'd say to myself. One more time will help me get over him, one more time will make me all better. I was sick though, I did it because after it was over..the numbness would flood my heart. Then the following day would come, and I hated myself even more. It was like I blocked out the reasons, and went with what would make me feel better. That's all I wanted, to feel better. I Know sometimes I don't know what I feel. I catch glimpses of love that is so over whelming, I have blocked out so much life, now that it comes times to actually live it..my memory is tarnished forever. I do love...but I can't feel anymore. I can't be happy. I have known for so long. Why? Why can't I feel anything? I love so much...I love my daughter...I love Andrew...but I don't love myself. Weddings, birthdays, holidays...it's like I'm an empty shell. Standing there with a smile on my face... I feel nothing. So I live my life... losing every memory as they go. What will it take to feel something?...Anything?

The other day I turned on the radio..to christian music, and automatically my heart is flooded with emotion...with love...with guidance. So many times people have asked me why I believe in God...how I can believe in something that they say has the world in chaos? Because...through God...I can feel again. I can feel happy..I can feel my life is worth living. That the sunshine feels good on my shoulders. That Kaylins smile..and laughter is worth so much...that happiness is there. I finally see the love through the holidays..I can smile..and actually feel it. I lost so much of my life, and sometimes my memory takes me back to those times...often. God reminds me..he is with me. Two days ago...I turned on the radio...and went to the mirror, and my cross glistened in the light... just a glimpse. But it reminded me that God is here..he will always be here, and when I feel the emptyness..when I feel like a shell of a person...I remember who makes me whole everyday. And that's all I need.

real friend?

Real friends....please tell me what a real friend is, because it's hard to even name one. Am I even a real friend? I know I cancel out on people sometimes, I know I don't always wanna do the fun thing, or go out, or party, or laugh at stupid things. My best friend, is my boyfriend, and my daughter. Why? Because they are the only real people in my life. The only people who say the truth, who love me on my bad days, and for who I am and what I love to do. I have to give up sooner or later on her...It still hurts, just enough for it to bother me when she fails out on me. Or when I see she's online, but doesn't respond to my message until days later. The only person she is hurting..is herself. I can not do this anymore.


Kayleigh,
I don't want this to be difficult. Cause it's not really. Not anymore anyway. Back in the day, when things would get canceled, it hurt me a lot. When I wasn't invited to things, when I got left out of your life, yea..it hurt a whole lot. This past year I have grown to find out who I am. I'm still me, I'm still Amanda, or Manda, or Mandi, I still love to have fun, I love people, and still trust people. I forgive easily, and don't stay mad long. I trust way to easily, and wear my heart on my shoulder. It's not me who's not tried, or who's not trying. It's you. You know that...I know that... and you know...it's finally okay with me. It was fine a few months ago, before kaylins birthday, I wasn't going to invite you. Not because I hate you or have anything against you, but because you let us ..let go of eachother. When you wrote that thing...I was like ..maybe she's finally realized that she needs me. Cause no matter what Kayleigh..I'll always want you in my life. I'll always need that spot that you left, but i realize that I don't need it. People walk in..and people walk out, in my life, that's normal. I am happy though. I have friends..I have a guy who loves me for me, who is the friend that is there, I have an amazing daughter...who is more than enough for me. All of those years in highschool..I was so lost. I didn't know me, I hated who I thought I was, I hated my life because it wasn't what "normal" was. As a get older, I realize that none of that matters. Life is what we make of it, and I have time, and the motivation to create it. What I mean is..it's okay for you to move on. It's okay to leave me in your past, you made an impact on my life, you made me come to terms with myself. I guess you could say " I faced my demons" ...Now I'm on the right track, and I'm okay. I don't hurt anymore. I don't depend on anyone but Andrew and myself. I love my life..I love the possibilities, I love what God has given me. I hope you do too, I hope you find whatever it is that keeps you going. That makes you come to terms with your life. Not just a man...but the sole purpose for what you want to live for. I love you...I will always and forever keep your memories with me. You helped me grow and learn so much, There is not enough thanks in the world to thank you for all that you've done for me. I wish you the best, and who knows..maybe some day our lives will cross paths again...and our friendship can find it's way, but for now...I'll be fine with being a memory.

today.

So just for the record..I feel very good today. At first I didn't, my back still hurts, but it's tolerable. I had a migrane..but with the help of some powerful meds, and a day off from being mom and having priorities for a moment..it was nice, and it was what I very much needed. My body has let me down so much, it's nice to finally have a moment where I can be the mommy I want to be when she got home from daycare. I fed her a healthy meal, i gave her a bath(without screaming), brushed her teeth, and shes laying on the couch watching tangled. I also did the dishes, cleaned all the bedding, made her bed, folded all the clothes, and i may even fix andrew dinner when he gets home...why can't i be like this every day? Maybe if I didn't also have a full time job, it may be like this more often...but can I just say thank you God for making this day good..and making me feel this good about being mom/wife/ and actually appreciating my life. :)

Thank you. It was very much needed.